Hosed (Happy Cat #1)(23)

“I have to,” she says, motioning toward the front door as she continues to back away. “I have a thing. Work thing. In the morning. I should go and get some sleep. But thank you. For today. It was wonderful.”

“It was. But are you sure you have to go? It’s not even eight o’clock.”

“Yeah. Busy day tomorrow,” she says, grabbing her keys off the entry table. “Lots of things to lube.” She winces. “I mean to do. Sorry, I have to go. Now.” With a frantic wave and a promise to “call soon” tossed over her shoulder, she slams out my front door into the night, leaving me with a hard-on for her that won’t quit and a cock-blocking raccoon grinning up at me in a way that makes it obvious he has no shame.

None. At all.





Eleven





From the texts of Cassie Sunderwell and

Savannah Sunderwell





* * *



Cassie: I have a problem.





* * *



Savannah: Crap, I totally forgot to mention that the coffeemaker has its own water supply. So sorry! I thought you knew. Don’t worry about the mess. Text Tina and tell her to charge the cleanup to my account. She should be there sometime next week for the normal monthly cleaning too.





* * *



Cassie: No, not with the coffeemaker. I’m proficient in coffeemaker. ALL coffeemakers.





* * *



Savannah: Phew. Good. I know how much you love your coffee. Oh, no, I mentioned the rocks, but I think I forgot to mention George Cooney too. Did he sneak in the window and steal your pajamas? That little cutie is a sucker for silk, which is only awkward when he tries to wear it. Not that he shouldn’t be free to explore his own fashion sense and sexuality, but we’re nowhere near the same size.





* * *



Cassie: Um, not George. Exactly. I mean, George is fine. In an annoying kind of way, but he’s…yeah.





* * *



Savannah: Please don’t tell me it’s Olivia. Her chart readings always get dark around the new moon phase. Whatever she said, I promise it’s not that bad.





* * *



Cassie: Aww, listen to you! You miss Happy Cat, don’t you?





* * *



Savannah: No. Yes. Maybe. I mean, I miss the people. The people who aren’t lying cheating sheep-lovers. sheep emoji broken heart emoji knife emoji And I miss the blissful ignorance of not knowing I was married to one. And that time before people thought I would lie about a man compromising a sheep. But I’ve discovered I love tea time and scones. And being in a place where people don’t recognize me. And sleeping in until eight.





* * *



Cassie: Eight at NIGHT?





* * *



Savannah: No, silly. Eight in the morning. Who sleeps until eight at night?





* * *



Cassie: Who thinks sleeping until eight in the morning is SLEEPING IN?





* * *



Savannah: LOL – you’re such a night owl. I love that about you. And I miss you most. You’re the sun in my sunshine. sun emoji





* * *



Cassie: I miss you too. You’re the mega in my byte. binary emoji





* * *



Savannah: Okay, my little dove. Tell me about this problem so I can be a useful sister. Do you need advice on what size dildo to grab?





* * *



Cassie: No. I have a real life penis problem. Ryan O’Dell kissed me. And then some. But not…all the way.





* * *



Savannah: Oh, honey. I’m so sorry. barf emoji





* * *



Cassie: It wasn’t barfy at all. It was pretty amazing, actually. If I hadn’t freaked out when George fell off the ceiling fan, I probably wouldn’t be a virgin anymore, which is weirdly scary. But exciting. But also scary! Because what the hell is going on with my life all of a sudden? With the fancy coffee and the romantic bike rides and the zip-lining and the “you’re beautiful every day” stuff? I swear, I am so confused right now.





* * *



Savannah: I don’t understand half of that, but I’m buying George all the candy and broken dildos in the world to thank him.





* * *



Cassie: WHAT? Why? I thought you WANTED me to experience sexual pleasure, not to get cockblocked by a trash panda!





* * *



Savannah: Oh, honey, I do. I do! But not with RYAN.





* * *



Cassie: I know, I hated him in high school after Romeo-and-Juliet-Gate, but that was a big misunderstanding. We’ve both grown up a lot since then, and he was so sweet when he took me on a tour of town this morning. And he thinks I’m funny and I have so much fun with him and then he kissed me, and I liked it. And then we went a little further, and I liked it more, and then…Raccoonus Interruptus.