Hold Me Close(91)

“Sheila Monroe was the reason you didn’t die,” Bill said flatly. “If she hadn’t come to the house looking to score drugs from that creep Andrews and found you both, I’d never even have stopped there. She came running out screaming, alerted the neighbors, left all the lights on upstairs. Door to the basement with all those f*cking locks... Christ. The locks...”

Effie and Heath had never told anyone the part Sheila had played in what went on in the basement. It was true that if she hadn’t come looking for the drugs Daddy had so often given her, Effie and Heath would’ve died. It was also true that implicating her in the abuse Daddy had heaped on them would’ve ruined her already pretty shitty life. Heath had been the one to plead for Sheila’s clemency, and Effie had gone along with it because it had been important to him. She’d never really understood it—but then she’d never been the one forced to do the things Heath had done. If he could forgive Sheila, so could Effie.

“You were the one who answered the call. She left us there. You’re the one who came in and found us. We’re alive because of you. And then, later, when we started f*cking. You saved me then, too, more times than I can tell you. When I look at you, that’s what I see.”

“When I look at you,” Bill said, “I see that door with all those locks. And I think, there’s no way anyone can ever get past all of that and be all right. But you managed, didn’t you? Got yourself a house, a career. A kid.”

Effie stood up straighter despite the aches and pains. “There’s something I never told you, Bill.”

“I’m sure there’s a lot of things you never f*cking told me,” Bill said.

“Polly is yours.”

Bill shrugged. “I know.”

Effie flinched. Then again. She wanted to sit but forced herself to remain standing. “What do you mean, you know?”

“You think I couldn’t look at that kid and not see it? She looked just like I did when I was a toddler. She’s got my hair. My eyes. Fuck, Effie, do you really think I didn’t know?”

Effie shook her head, the world rocking. “You never... How have you...”

“I’m a f*cking cop. You think I never did one of those school programs at her school? You think I never saw the two of you together? You think I can’t do the math, Effie? I knew that kid was mine the second you turned up pregnant.” Bill laughed, harsh and rough.

Effie blinked back tears. “But you never said anything.”

“I told you, I don’t want to be a father. I don’t want to be a husband. I don’t have it in me to be that. And besides, you were cozy enough with Heath, weren’t you?” Bill sounded bitter, though he was still keeping his expression flat and neutral and bland. “He stepped in. He’s the one you went to anyway, wasn’t it? Not me.”

“I thought you would ask me to get an abortion. Or give it up.”

“I would have,” Bill said. “Not that you’d have listened to me. You’d just do whatever it was you wanted anyway. And I guess I thought maybe you’d lose it the way you lost the other one. By the time I figured out you were too far along, there wasn’t much pointing in letting you know I knew the truth.”

“All these years, you had a daughter, and you never said a word. You let me struggle.” Effie had to cough against the sudden uprush of bile.

“You didn’t struggle. You always had him. You ran to him. You always did, and you always will. You can’t get away from him.” Bill tossed up his hands. “Shit. If we aren’t going to f*ck, I’m out of here. This was stupid.”

“You came here! You said... All those times, you acted like...” Effie couldn’t breathe. Choking, she whirled on him. “You f*cking molested me! You used your power and authority or something, I don’t know, I was a kid and you took advantage of me!”

Bill was across the room with her in his grip before she could even take a step back. His fingers gripped hard enough to hurt, even if she hadn’t already been in pain. “You seduced me. You remember that, Effie? Begging me to f*ck you? Sliding all over me, your shirt all wet and see-through? You put your tongue in my mouth and your hands down my pants.”

“You should’ve said no,” Effie gasped.

Bill let her go so suddenly she stumbled. “Yeah. I should’ve f*cking said no to you. That first time and every time after.”

“But you didn’t,” Effie said.

They stared at each other. Had she ever loved Bill? Had she ever thought, for a second even, that he could’ve loved her?


“Why?” Effie asked. “Why?”

Bill sneered and ran a hand over his hair, looking away from her before fixing her with a solid, steady gaze. “I don’t know.”

“There could’ve been other women.”

“There have been. Plenty.”

Effie nodded and wiped at her tears, hating that he was seeing her this way. “But they always expected you to try harder with them, huh? They weren’t satisfied with your whole deal with not wanting to settle down.”

“Yeah. I guess not.”

“So...you figured I would never make you do something you didn’t want to do? Is that it?”

“Shit, Effie,” Bill said quietly. “Can’t we just stop? Can’t we just go back to f*cking and pretending that’s enough?”