Heartbreaker(63)

I take a breath, trying to focus. “But this is my home, Finn. I can’t just leave!”

“Why not?” he shoots back. “You went once before. What’s holding you back? You can do anything, absolutely anything you want with your life, but you’re hiding out here.”

“I’m not hiding,” I say stubbornly, and he gives a short laugh.

“Then tell me what it is, because I sure as hell haven’t figured it out. Maybe things didn’t work out in New York, but that doesn’t mean you should quit on all your dreams. What comes next for you, Eva? Aside from us. Forget about me for a moment, and tell me what’s ahead for you.”

I shake my head, feeling defensive now. Since when was this a career interview? “I don’t know.”

“Tell me you have a plan. Tell me you have a dream, at least,” he begs me. “That you’re not just going to stay here, working in that office—”

“It’s a good job,” I protest.

“It’s a waste of your talent, and everything you worked for.” Finn says fiercely, and I blink in surprise. There’s a look on his face now I don’t recognize, something determined and raw. “You know how I made it?” he demands.

“You told us,” I answer, halting. “The showcases, and Kyle, and—”

“I’m not talking about the bullshit answers in Rolling Stone,” Finn cuts me off. “I mean the thing driving me, what made me get up in the morning and fight another day to be better. A better musician, a better f*cking man. It was you, Eva. It was always you. You had this ambition, and God I loved you for that. Even after everything, I wanted to make you proud of me.”

“And I am!”

“I learned that fight from you, Eva. So where’s your fight now?”

I shake my head. “It’s complicated,” I mutter. “I don’t have a gift like you do. Even at drama school, there were a hundred people better than me—”

“So you just walked away without even trying?” Finn interrupts. “I guess I was wrong about you not being a quitter.”

My anger flares. “It was kind of hard focusing on classwork and auditions when it feels like your heart just got ripped out of your chest!”

There’s silence. Finn looks like I just slapped him, but then he slowly shakes his head. “No.” His voice is calm. “You don’t get to blame me for this. I’m sorry I hurt you. Fuck, I’ve been sorry for every minute of every day, but we can’t go back to that forever.

You’re twenty-two, Eva. You’ve got your entire life ahead of you to do incredible things – for us to do them together - and instead you’re letting it all pass you by.”

He comes over and takes my hands, looking into my eyes with passion and tenderness. “This can be our fresh start, baby. Away from all these bad memories and the mistakes that dragged us down. You and me, for real this time.”

“But I can’t just leave,” I insist again, feeling a tight panic in my chest. “Lottie needs me, and Edith at the shelter—”

“Lottie is just fine!” Finn is fighting to keep his voice under control. “Edith has been running that place in her sleep for years. I get that you’re scared. I’m scared, too. But you can’t hide from your future forever here, unless.” He stops, and looks down at my hands in his. “Unless you don’t want that future with me.”

I gulp. “That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it?” Finn steps back, and gives me a ghost of a smile. “God, all this time I was so focused on winning you back, I didn’t even stop to think if you loved me too.”

“I do,” I swear. “Finn, I love you more than anything.”

“But not more than this town.”

“Why do I have to choose?” I exclaim, suddenly furious. Everything’s spinning out of control, and all I want is solid ground again, when I woke up in his arms and felt so safe and loved.

“I don’t know,” Finn says sadly. “But I can’t stay here. I have a million reasons why I have to leave.”

“And only one for you to stay,” I finish bitterly. “Now who’s the one who doesn’t want a future enough?”

“That’s not fair.” Finn looks so broken, I wish I could take it back.

“We’ll make new memories,” I try, taking his hands again. “We can make it better this time.”

He shakes his head. “No. Eva. I mean it. I could never be happy here. I could never forget the things he did. I’ve moved on with my life, but you don’t have any reason not to. What are you so scared of?” he demands. “Why won’t you just give your life another chance?”

We stand there a moment, not moving. I feel trapped, pulled in two different directions. My heart aches to be with him, but every time I try to picture that future he wants to build, I’m gripped with fear. Last time around, he broke my heart so thoroughly I thought I’d never pick up the pieces and feel it beat again. Now, I look ahead and I wonder: is that heartbreak waiting for me all over again?

Here, I have a safety net. When everything falls to pieces, I know how to pick myself up off the ground and carry on. But out there, in some new city where nobody knows my name…