Full Tilt (Full Tilt #1)(95)

“I love you,” she said.

I stared at her.

“I love you,” she said. “I’m in love with you.”

Her words sunk into my heart. Not the failing organ in my chest, but the part of me that beat for her, lived for her. I felt saturated with warmth and a happiness I didn’t think was possible to experience. Not at a time like this. Not in a place like this.

Kacey’s hand slid against my cheek, her eyes filling. “Your face right now? Never in million years could I imagine a man would look at me the way you’re looking at me right now. I love you,” she said again. “I know you want to protect me and it’s not going to work. I just love you all the more for it. You can’t keep me at a safe distance. I told you, there is no safe distance. There never was.”

“You’re right,” I whispered. “There never was. I love you, Kacey. I love you so much…”

She laid her head down again, right at the tender spot of my incision but I didn’t care. Love and pain, I wanted all of it.

“I love you,” I said. “God, I never thought this would happen to me.”

“But it did,” she whispered. “It happened and all we can do now is take care of each other. Live in the little moments, right? Just like we promised. The little moments. We have so many. Thousands upon thousands.”

“Too many to count,” I said. I sniffed hard as my arms went around her and held her close. As close to me as I could, my lips kissing her hair. “And this right here…The best moment of my life.”

We held each other for a long time, and I thought about the choices Kacey made to arrive at his moment. To be here with me, knowing it wouldn’t last.

“You’re so brave,” I said. “You’re the bravest person I know.”

“Not me,” she said. “Brave or scared shitless, I don’t have a choice but to love you.” She raised her head and sniffled. “It’s all your fault, really. You’re so damn lovable.”

I laughed shortly. “I thought I was a stubborn smartass.”

“That too.” She wiped her eyes. “There’s a bunch of other people in the hall who want to give you a piece of their minds. Can I go get them?”

I nodded, smiled. “Yes. All of them. I want all of them.”

They all came in, my best friends, my parents, my brother. I faced the ring of people I loved best and called to mind this speech I’d rehearsed a hundred times in the last six months. I’d thought I’d give it alone. That I’d have to face the inevitable with an empty hand. But Kacey Dawson was there, her fingers entwined with mine. I wasn’t alone and my hand wasn’t empty.

I cleared my aching throat. “Okay, guys, the plan is there is no plan. No trips. No adventures. No bucket lists. This is what I want: to hang out together. Let’s have barbeques and breakfasts. A nice dinner at a fancy restaurant, or a breakfast at Mulligan’s. Or cupcakes out of an ATM. Let’s talk and tell stupid jokes and laugh a lot and…live.”

Nods and murmured assents.

“What I don’t want is anyone asking me how I feel a hundred times a day,” I said. “I promise I’ll tell you if I need anything but everything I could ever need or want is right here in this room. You are the loves of my life. I don’t want anything but to be together as much we can. That way, when the time comes…”

I swallowed hard, my vision blurring the faces of my people. “You don’t have to worry if I was happy. Or if I had regrets. I have none.” I looked to Kacey, my beautiful girl, and touched her tear-stained cheek. “No regrets.”

“Not one,” she whispered. She kissed her fingertips and touched them to my lips.

I took a moment to pull myself together, and quickly wiped my eyes.

“So that’s my big speech. I love you all and that’s it. Let’s get the hell out of here.”

My audience laughed softly through sniffles or coughs, and it was as if a horrible tension had been lifted. I didn’t want macho stoicism or restraint. I wanted their true selves and nothing more.

I wanted their moments.





Two days later, Theo came by my place in the late afternoon.

“Where’s Kacey?” he asked.

I handed him a beer from the fridge and took a green tea for myself. “She’s grocery shopping.”

Theo nodded, dropping onto the couch. “You’re not working tonight?”

“I quit today,” I said, sitting at the other end. “Harry asked if I’d been poached by a different limo company.”

“What did you tell him?”

“That his was the only limo service I’d ever work for in my entire life.”

“Shit, Jonah…”

“What?” I said, grinning. “Come on, it was a little funny.”

Theo snorted, turned his beer around in his hand. “Morrison said your kidneys are shot.”

“Apparently so,” I said.

He glanced at me. “And that’s what’s keeping you from being higher up on the donor list.”

“I know where this is going.”

“I’m just saying I could give you a kidney,” Theo said. “It would match. Your body won’t reject it because we’re blood. We’re brothers. You’re my brother…” His voice cracked open. He sat hunched over, his elbows resting on his knees. I waited until he’d pulled himself together and put my hand on his arm.