Full Tilt (Full Tilt #1)(93)

In the hallway, the Fletchers asked questions. Theo answered. Dr. Morrison elaborated. I stood in numb silence, listening to the squeak of rubber-soled shoes on linoleum as nurses passed by. Machines beeped alarms and a voice over an intercom paged a doctor.

“Kacey?”

I jumped. They were all staring at me. Beverly’s smile was a frozen grimace while her eyes melted to panic. “You’ll stay with Jonah after he’s released tomorrow?”

“Of course,” I said, conscious of Theo’s eyes on me. “In fact, I should go home and pack a few things to stay over…”

Theo’s whiskey-colored eyes met mine. In their imploring gaze, I could hear an echo of an earlier conversation.

You’re just going to leave…

I shook my head at him, as if he’d spoken aloud. “I’m going to pack a bag,” I said. “Then I’m coming back. I am…I…”

Then Beverly laid her hand on my arm. “You know, Kacey, I’d love some coffee. Will you join me?”

I sucked in a breath and nodded. “Yes, sure. Of course.”

Her hand still tucked in my elbow, we headed down to the first floor cafeteria. A space I typically associated with school, filled with laughter, shrieks and loud crosstalk. The hospital cafeteria was sparsely populated and quiet as a library. Only a few people occupied tables, eating in silence. One or two patients in wheelchairs sat with nurses or family members.

Beverly took a small table near the window while I bought two cups of coffee. We sat without drinking for a long, silent time, watching little black birds hop around the courtyard outside.

“It is hard for you to be here, isn’t it?” Beverly said after a moment. “It’s hard for all of us, but unlike you, we’ve known Jonah all of our lives. Before the virus. Before the transplant. But you met him only months ago. When he was already sick.”

I nodded.

“And here you are,” she said. “He was sick when you met him, but here you are. That’s an extraordinary thing, I think, to begin so close to the end.”

“I…I’m scared.” I set my coffee cup down before my shaking hands spilled it. “I don’t think I’m strong enough.”

“May I tell you a story, dear?” Her tone meant, I am going to tell you a story and you are going to listen. But I welcomed it. I needed the distraction. I needed someone else’s words to push out the panicky fear that ricocheted around my thoughts like lightning.

“When Jonah was born, I changed. Profoundly. Forever. I think that’s the way it is with every new mother. You spend nine months carrying this little being in you, this little stranger, until finally they’re born, and you see their face…”

Her gazed fixed beyond the window, beyond the little birds, to a moment twenty-six years ago. “When I saw Jonah’s face for the first time it was like seeing someone again after a long absence. Not a meeting, but a reunion.”

She reached over and briefly patted my hand. “I love both my sons equally, of course. But they’re so different. Theo and I have spent our entire lives getting to know each other and it’s not always been easy. But with Jonah, it’s effortless.”

Beverly’s brows knitted together, as if she were trying to recall something now forgotten. “I’ve known Jonah before. I know I have. Call it reincarnation or whatever you’d like. I’m not religious or even particularly spiritual. But I can’t help but feel the universe is a vast place, and the soul of a human being is infinite, even if the body is temporary.” She nodded to herself, certain now. “I’ve known Jonah before, and I know I’ll see him again. And that gives me comfort. Not a lot, but some.”

She turned to me. “And you, Kacey. You give me comfort. Quite a lot more comfort these days than anything else.”

I swallowed the jagged lump in my throat but couldn’t move otherwise. Beverly’s words wrapped around me and squeezed until all I could hear was her voice and my own heart thudding in my chest.

“I’m sure you know Jonah had a serious girlfriend in college,” she said.

“Audrey.”

“Yes. Nice girl, but serious. Driven. She was…precise about how she wanted her life to be.” Beverly’s mouth became a thin line, and her voice hardened. “I was angry with her for leaving Jonah when he needed her most. Furious. But you want to know something strange? The day after she flew out of the country, the very next day, we got the call that a donor had been matched. Isn’t that something?”

I didn’t say anything. No answer was required, anyway.

“Jonah was in surgery, and she was gone. I tried to think of ways to break the news and comfort him. I thought surely he’d be devastated. Betrayed. Yet when I thought of their time together, I couldn’t recall anything that would qualify as much of a loss. Nothing significant in three years. His eyes didn’t light up when he looked at her across our dinner table. His voice didn’t change when he said her name. He never spoke of her with…awe. Only facts.

“Audrey and I are thinking of flying to Cabo. Audrey and I are attending the gallery opening. Audrey and I are having dinner with friends…’ It was a news report of incidentals.” She looked at me, her smile wreathed in a sheepish guilt. “That’s petty and unkind, but it’s true.”