From Governess to Countess (Matches Made in Scandal #1)(59)
Aleksei caught her hands in a painfully tight grip. ‘I am not surprised. You are one of the strongest, bravest, most confident women I have ever met, but even you must have faltered under such an onslaught as you have described.’
‘The Procurer said I should have fought back.’
‘That is like suggesting that a last soldier standing should continue to fight a futile rearguard action. You retreated. You licked your wounds. You regrouped. And here you are, living to fight another day.’
She couldn’t help but smile. ‘Thank you, your faith in me is most flattering.’
‘It is well founded, not flattering. What happened to you would have destroyed most other people—men as well as women. The incident this afternoon at the ball, it must have brought it all back.’
‘Yes, but it also made me think about the future. In society, whether it is in London or St Petersburg, I will always be an outsider because my sex prevents me from becoming part of the medical establishment, even if I desired it, which I don’t. It shouldn’t matter that I am a woman, and one moreover whose appearance gives the illusion that I’m free with my favours, but it does. So I’m not going to practise in society any more, and it’s thanks to you, in part that I’ve realised I don’t want to.’
‘What on earth have I done to help you come to such a conclusion?’
‘You’ve allowed me to set up my dispensary, of course.’ Allison sat up, fired with enthusiasm. ‘The people I’ve been treating don’t care who I am or what I look like. They care only that I can ease their suffering. Unlike that little girl at the ball, they have no physician on hand to attend them. These are the people I want to treat, Aleksei. These are the people who need me most, the people I can make the biggest difference to. These are my kind of people, good-hearted, hard-working ordinary people. And when I leave here, the fee I have earned provides me with the means to do that.’
Aleksei looked satisfyingly confounded. ‘A dispensary? Is that what you mean?’
Allison beamed. ‘Not for society, but for the people society depends upon. I can’t save every child, but I can help those who have no access to any other help. You see, they won’t care, the physicians and the apothecaries, that I am not a member of their societies and guilds, for they don’t care about the people I will treat, the people who cannot pay. So they won’t hound me, I doubt they will even acknowledge my existence, because I will not be a threat to their livelihood or a challenge to their position.’
‘Though they won’t be able to ignore you, for you will shine a light on their shortcomings.’
‘Oh, no, now you really do flatter me. Truly, Aleksei, as far as these men are concerned, the poor are unworthy of their attention. My services will be free for those who cannot pay, and for those who can afford a small contribution—oh, but I’ve not thought through the details. I plan to train an assistant too—you see, that was also your idea. What do you think?’
‘I think you will be a great success wherever you go. I think it is a truly wonderful idea.’ He pulled her to her feet, wrapping his arms around her. ‘And I think you are wonderful.’
‘Then perhaps we should start a mutual admiration society, for I think you are wonderful too.’ She reached up to brush the white-blond kink in his hair. ‘Are you really contemplating remaining here in St Petersburg with the children?’
‘I have no option but to consider it,’ he said wearily.
‘Aleksei, you’ve lurched, as you said yourself, from battle to babysitting without a moment to consider the future. Do not make any rash decisions or promises you might come to regret. I don’t know why it hasn’t struck me until now, but there are some similarities between your case and my mother’s. I told you that she left me with my grandmother when she married? Well, what I didn’t tell you is that she promised to come back for me when she was settled. There were a few visits, always with the promise that the next time she’d take me with her. Then the visits were replaced by letters, saying the same. And then finally very occasional letters, containing no promises at all.’
‘I’m so sorry, Allison. That must have been hard to take.’
‘Horrible, when I was wee. It would have been much better for her to have been honest from the start. A clean break would have been very painful, but I’d not have had to endure years of hoping in vain for the impossible. I think she knew in her heart that it would be a mistake for the pair of us. Her husband wanted no part of me, while my grandmother brought me up as if I were her own child. So as it turns out, it was better for both of us that we parted. Do you see?’
‘I do, though I’m afraid I can’t be as generous as you regarding your mother’s behaviour.’
‘Then you don’t see, because what I meant was it would have been wrong for her to sacrifice her happiness for mine. I wouldn’t have been happy anyway, and once I was old enough to realise what she’d done, I’d have had guilt to contend with too.’
‘Allison. I do see. I promise you, I understand what you’re saying, though I seem to remember a time not so long ago, when you advocated my staying.’
‘At Peterhof. I remember. I was wrong.’
‘Maybe you were. Maybe not. It is my conscience at stake, not your mother’s, and I think—oh, you know, I don’t know what I’m saying. I don’t know what I think at the moment.’ He kissed her brow. ‘Save that it’s not your problem.’