From Governess to Countess (Matches Made in Scandal #1)(57)

She stopped struggling. Her mouth, which had been pursed into a straight line, softened. ‘You already have. Now it’s time for me to help myself.’

*

He took her to the blue breakfast parlour because it was the nearest room. A footman, caught unprepared, followed them with tapers for the candles, another arrived with spills for the fire, and another, rather miraculously appeared bearing a silver salver of cakes, sherry and madeira.

The curtains were drawn against the night. The fire crackled obligingly into life. Allison, still huddled in the rose-pink evening cloak which matched her gown, sank on to one of the few comfortable chairs in the palace, a blue wingback affair with only one gold-embroidered cushion. She took the sherry he gave her, but immediately set it down on the table beside the arm of the chair, and began to strip off her long evening gloves.

‘You’re still angry,’ Aleksei said, pulling off his own gloves and taking the seat opposite her.

‘Furious.’ Her smile was glittering.

‘May I ask why?’

‘I thought it would be different here, but nothing has changed.’

‘And you will always be an outsider. You said so at the ball. What did you mean by that, Allison?’

She let her head drop back against the chair back, closing her eyes.

He sipped his sherry. It was, like most of Michael’s cellar save the champagne, of surprisingly poor quality. His brother’s abstemious palate must have been tortuous to his dinner guests. Allison was rubbing her temples. Any minute now, she’d pull out a hairpin. There it was. Now she’d start to fashion it...

‘What are you smiling at?’

Aleksei nodded at the bent pin. ‘You must get through a great deal of those.’

‘Fortunately none of them are pearl-or diamond-tipped.’

He watched her as she made her customary circle of her hairpin, frowning down at it, clearly wanting time to marshal her thoughts, happy to give her the time, now that she was here with him. She never wore jewellery. Only the locket which her grandmother gave her, and which contained the key to her herb chest. She wore no rings. No bracelets. No other adornments at all. He’d assumed, foolishly, he supposed, that it was because she preferred not to. It hadn’t occurred to him that it might simply be that she didn’t possess anything else. The pink gown she wore had been a gift from Catiche. She had worn one of Elizaveta’s gowns to the Winter Palace only at the dresser’s insistence, she’d admitted to him. Doubtless Elizaveta had countless other unworn gowns Allison could have worn, but she had not chosen to.

He was so accustomed to his wealth, spent so little of it himself, that he never thought about it. But Allison had not that luxury. ‘Why are you here?’ he asked, losing patience, startling her into dropping her hairpin. ‘I mean why did you come to St Petersburg? Don’t tell me it was for the money, because I know you, Allison, you are not an avaricious person. It is what you intend to do with it that really matters.’

Her brows shot up in surprise. ‘I am still not exactly sure what it is I’m going to do, though today—yes, today has certainly decided what it is I won’t be doing.’ She reached for her sherry, took a sip, wrinkled her nose and put it back. ‘A salutary lesson, that is what today was. I intend to learn from it.’

‘And do you intend to share your lesson with me?’ He leaned forward to touch her knee. ‘I would like you to. I’d like to understand. To help you.’

Her lip trembled. ‘You have. You’ve done so much. I told you, it’s time for me to help myself now.’

‘Then tell me how you propose to do that.’

Allison sat up, unfastened her cloak and reached for the sherry glass, suddenly feeling the need for some fortification. ‘When The Procurer sought me out, I had all but given up. She is the strangest woman, Aleksei. She knew what had happened to me, but she did not offer me sympathy or false hope. What she offered me was a second chance, and what she made me realise is that I deserve it. Only I’ve not known until today what form that might take. I’ve been thinking only that I’d move somewhere else, some other city than London, and start again. But today made me realise that would be simply stepping back into another form of bondage. I know that’s an exaggeration, but—well, you know what I mean, don’t you?’

‘You mean I would be doing the same by choosing to quit the army only to dance to my brother’s tune—or the Derevenko family tune?’

‘I would not have put it quite so—but, yes, I suppose it is the same thing.’ Allison chewed on her lower lip. ‘If I wish to be successful again, it would once again be on the terms of the society I served. Which requires a spotless reputation, and a care for never overstepping the mark. Displaying due deference to the eminent physicians and apothecaries who must know better than me, not daring to question their practices, and most certainly never challenging them. That’s how it was before, Aleksei. And I thought it was a price worth paying, because I was doing what I loved, I was easing suffering, I was curing sickness.’

‘What changed?’

The familiar nausea assailed her, but she ignored it. ‘Everything. A child died and I allowed myself to take the blame, but I know now that it wasn’t my fault. Mother Nature was determined to claim the child, and nothing I did, or the physician did, would have made any difference.’