Foreplay (The Ivy Chronicles #1)(73)

He laughed harshly. “You don’t know what you want, Pepper. That much is clear.”

I shook my head, a lump the size of a golf ball inside my throat. “I do. I’ve always known that. That’s why this”—I waved between us—“can never be.”

“Oh. Yeah? Then do me a favor and explain it to me. Why is Hunter so important? Why does it gotta be him? ’Cause that’s what this is about, right? You f*ck me but you still want to be with him.”

I flinched and glanced away, my gaze landing on the pictures across the room. The one of me with Lila and Hunter. That was supposed to be my future. With the Montgomerys. With Hunter. Or someone like him.

“You know my mother dumped me and left me to live with my grandmother.”

I flicked a glance back at him. He nodded once, his jaw clenched tightly, waiting for me to continue. “Well, that was after three years of living with her. She lost the house the year after Daddy died. Then we slept on the couches of friends. But that got old. They got tired of us. And she just kept getting worse . . . doing more shit. Anything good, she lost.”

“Except you. She kept you.”

My eyes stung. I nodded, blinking back the burn. “Yeah. She kept me. It was the two of us. Surviving in motel rooms. Sometimes sleeping in the car. She’d do whatever she needed to get her next fix.”

He touched my face, his thumb brushing over my cheek. “What happened to you, baby?”

I inhaled. “Nothing. She always kept me safe. Or tried to anyway. She would leave me in a closet or bathroom. I’d hide in the tub with my stuffed animal. Purple Bear. I had him forever.” I smiled in memory. “My father won him at a carnival for me. I’d lost everything but I still had that bear. And Mom. Whenever she stuck me in a tub or closet while she got high with some loser, she told me Purple Bear would keep me safe until she came for me.”

I stopped now, because I couldn’t really talk about what happened next. I’d never talked about it with anyone before.

“But it didn’t keep you safe, did it?”

I shook my head, choking down a sob. “No.”

“What happened?”

My voice got really small. “He found me in the tub.” My fingers pressed over my lips. “I wasn’t quiet enough.”

“Who found you?”

I shook my head slowly, seeing the flash of a skull-faced ring. “Some guy. One of Mom’s . . . dates.”

“What did he do, Pepper?” His whisper was in direct contrast to his face, which was hard as stone, his eyes like ice chips.

I rocked back a little on the bed, hugging my knees closer to my chest. “He made me get out of the tub.” I sucked in a deep breath, bracing myself. Soundless tears rolled down my cheeks. I dashed them away with my hand, reciting the events of that night as matter-of-factly as possible—as though they had happened to some other girl and not me. Now that I had started, I was determined to say it all. Finally. “And then he made me take off my shirt.”

Reece’s arms wrapped around me again, holding me, and in that moment it was like they were the only thing keeping me together. Keeping me from breaking into pieces. My fingers dug into his forearms, clinging to him as words rushed from me.

“H-he unzipped his pants and started playing with himself in front of me . . . l-looking at me. He told me to touch it, but I wouldn’t.” I shook my head, lips pressing into a firm line as I recalled the man’s expression. Angry. But also excited that I was defying him. He wanted me to fight him. “He told me to take off the rest of my clothes. I tried to get away. He grabbed me, tried to pull down my shorts. I fought back and he just laughed and slapped me. Things got really crazy then. I screamed. Went a little hysterical.” I searched Reece’s gaze, shaking my head almost apologetically. Like I should somehow have kept my cool. “I was just a kid.”

He nodded, blinking eyes that looked suspiciously moist. “What happened next?”

I shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. “Mom came in and freaked. They fought. He slapped her around, but she got him out the door, and then she just came into the bathroom and stared at me. I never saw her look like that before. Even at Daddy’s funeral she had never looked so . . . wrecked. We packed up our stuff in the car and drove. I fell asleep in the backseat, but when I woke we were at Gram’s.”

I stopped at this part because as hard as it was to tell him what happened to me in that bathroom, this was actually harder. This was the part that was etched in my mind, burned into me with a red-hot brand.

“I was actually excited at first. Mom and Gram didn’t get along, so we didn’t see her that much. She took me to the door. Hugged me and . . . said good-bye.” I couldn’t breathe as I remembered this. The feel of my mother’s hands on my arms as she bent down and stared at me, her green eyes eerily bright in her thin face. “She told me she couldn’t keep me safe anymore.” The tears rolled freely, unchecked and silent on my cheeks.

Reece sighed. “It was the best she could do—”

“No,” I snapped. “The best she could have done is get the help she needed. Beat her addiction.”

He cupped my cheek gently. “She got you to someplace safe.”

“Safe?” I laughed at that. It was a harsh and ugly sound. “Funny you should say that.”