Fly With Me (Wild Aces #1)(57)

“I don’t know,” I answered.

“Okay.”

The sadness in his voice pulled at my heart.

“Do you want to break up?”

And that pierced me.

“No.” I didn’t even have to think about it, the word just escaped, partly in a panic. I had no idea how this would play out between us, but I did know that I wasn’t ready to give up on us.

“Do you want to break up?” I asked, fear clogging my throat.

“No.”

“So what then?”

“I don’t know. I know it’s a lot to ask of you. It’s two years. I’ll get maybe a month off each year. It sucks, I know. But I promise I’ll come see you every chance I get. And maybe you could come out there for a few visits.”

It wasn’t much, but I knew he was trying. Seeing each other a little bit was at least better than not seeing each other at all.

So why did I feel like crying? Why did I feel like the writing was already on the wall?

“I’m so sorry.”

I knew he was. I could hear it in his voice. But it didn’t make it easier, or better. And it wouldn’t make up for the fact that I felt like I was in a relationship, but not really in a relationship. Like we were playing at being a couple without the intimacy I craved. I’d been single most of my life. I wanted someone to spend holidays and special events with. As corny as it sounded, I wanted someone to make memories with. To come home to after a long day. And now Noah would be even farther away and I wondered at what point the phone calls would cease to be enough. For both of us. Hell, we had a tough enough time talking now—what would it be like with the time difference?

“What are you thinking?” he asked.

I couldn’t lie.

“I don’t know how we can make this work.”

He sighed. “Me, either.”

“I just keep wondering if it should be this hard.”

“I know. I’m worried that I’m asking too much. That you aren’t going to be happy if we’re always apart, if I can’t ever be there when you need me.” His voice was strained. “I’m worried you’re going to meet a guy who can give you all the things that I can’t. And part of me wants you to meet that guy. You deserve to meet him.” He groaned. “And part of me hates the idea of you with someone else and is terrified to lose you.”

I knew exactly how he felt.

“Maybe we just give this a shot and see where we end up. Take it one day at a time,” I suggested. “Neither one of us was expecting to be here now. Maybe we just need to come to terms with this a bit more before we make any drastic decisions.”

“Okay. That sounds like a good plan.” He paused. “Are you still coming out here before we go to Alaska?”

“Yeah.”

He was quiet for a long beat. “I miss you. And I love you.”

He’d never felt farther away than he did now.

“I love you, too.”

I didn’t tell him I missed him, couldn’t put words to the ache inside me. We hung up the phone and I cried myself to sleep.





TWENTY




NOAH

I went through the motions of preparing for the squadron’s TDY to Alaska and trying to get my orders for my PCS to Korea, the whole time my mind on Jordan rather than the mission. I’d never really cared all that much where the Air Force sent me. As long as I remained in the cockpit, flying the Viper, the rest was just window dressing. But I cared now. A lot. And I was f*cking pissed that out of all my assignments, this was the one when I got nonvolled to Korea.

I drove onto the base, pulling into the squadron parking lot, my hand linked with Jordan’s, the sound of music the only noise in the car. She’d decided to come out and visit before I left for Alaska, and then we’d had some of the tankers who were supposed to refuel us midair fall out due to scheduling conflicts, and our dates had gotten moved up. So basically, Jordan had arrived in time to see me off, and the days we’d planned to spend together had fallen away.

She hadn’t said much when she’d landed and I’d broken the news to her, so I couldn’t figure out what she was feeling, although pissed seemed likely. I figured she’d add it to her tally of things I’d done to disappoint her. Hell, I’d break up with me at this point.

I’d spent the past two weeks going over everything in my mind, trying to figure out how to make our relationship work. We still talked, but I felt like she was pulling away from me, like the stress of things was an albatross weighing us down. Or maybe it was just my own paranoia, my own fear that overshadowed everything else. The more I thought about it, worried about it, the more I realized that I loved her. I didn’t want to lose her. I couldn’t lose her.

I put the car in Park, my limbs reluctant to get out and leave her once again.

And then the idea that had been rolling around my mind for two weeks now came out of my mouth.



JORDAN

“What if we got married?” Noah asked, his voice, and the question, jerking me out of my mental freak-out.

I froze, my hand suspended over the car radio knob itching to change the channel, the word “married” sending my world to a crashing stop. I blinked, wondering if I was dreaming, if this was really happening. As far as proposals went, it wasn’t exactly romantic and it had the same feel as, Do you want pizza or burgers for dinner?