Fly With Me (Wild Aces #1)(46)

I couldn’t meet her halfway, couldn’t make a sacrifice of my own. I’d made a commitment to the military and there was no getting out of it, no other option. If she wanted to take this relationship to the next level, then it was all or nothing. And I wasn’t sure I could ask that of her. Maybe it would be easier if we were younger. If she hadn’t already built a future for herself, or if she had a career that was more portable, one that could move with the military lifestyle.

I wished we could have dated like normal people who just enjoyed each other’s company without the added pressure of making big decisions early on. But I only had a year left in Oklahoma and I was a few months away from having to submit my “dream sheet” of where I wanted to go next. As long as I was flying the Viper, I didn’t really care, but now there was the added pressure of Jordan to think about. I would have been cool with going overseas, but a long-distance relationship was tough enough without the added hassle of living in different countries.

I wasn’t far off my lieutenant colonel promotion board, and my next assignment mattered. I couldn’t afford to make a choice based off a relationship that was just casual. And at the same time, I’d spent my whole life choosing the Air Force. I couldn’t give everything up for Jordan, but I could try my hardest to make it easier for us to be together. I just needed to know she was on board, too.

It was the kind of conversation that was serious enough to merit speaking in person, and at the same time, when we only got two days to spend together, it was difficult to want to use that time talking about a future that was daunting to say the least. And part of me resented even having this conversation so early into dating. I felt boxed into a corner of my own making, paying the price for a decision I’d made at eighteen. I didn’t regret my choice. I loved flying; there wasn’t any other job I could see myself doing. But at the same time, it made things harder than they probably needed to be.

Jordan stirred in my arms again, her face tipping up to stare into mine. Her lashes fluttered and she gave me a sleepy smile.

“Morning.”

I loved waking up to her. What would it be like if I could always have this? If every day of my life included seeing her face in the morning?

“Good morning.”

She kissed the skin over my heart.

“Did you sleep okay?” she murmured.

“Yeah.”

She was seriously adorable in the mornings. She clearly wasn’t a morning person, and most of the time I woke up before she did, watching her sleep, enjoying the feel of her in my arms.

I groaned, burying my face in her hair. “I’m going to miss you.”

“Me, too. I wish we lived closer.”

“Me, too.”

Silence descended between us, the impending good-bye already taking over.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, not even sure what I was apologizing for.

I’m sorry my hands are tied. I’m sorry being with me means giving up everything. I’m sorry I’m in the military. I’m sorry I can’t put you first. I’m sorry you deserve better than what I can give you. I’m sorry I’m too selfish to let you go.

Jordan reached out, grasping my face in her hands, her gaze knowing, as though she could read the confusion in my eyes.

“You don’t need to apologize. You told me what it would be like from the beginning. It sucks, but I knew that going into it. It was my choice. I could have left what we had in Vegas. I wanted to see where this would go. Wanted to give us a chance. That’s not on you.”

The rational part of me knew she was right, and yet the part of me that hated to see her upset or suffering couldn’t ignore the pang I felt when I saw the sadness in her eyes. And I also couldn’t ignore the voice in the back of my mind that wondered if it should be this hard; if maybe love wasn’t supposed to be easier than this.

“Yeah, but did you know how hard it would be?” I asked her, a knot in my throat.

’Cause I hadn’t.

I’d done long distance with girls before. It had never been particularly successful, but it hadn’t been this. It hadn’t been an ache in my chest like someone had ripped my heart out and used it as a stress ball.

“No, I didn’t.”

That was the tough thing about it. If I liked her less, it would have been easier. And at the same time, if I liked her less, I wasn’t sure I’d put myself in this position.

“Do you regret it?” I found myself asking, not even sure I was ready to hear the answer she might give.

Her gaze met mine, her expression solemn. “Not for a minute.”

The amount of relief I felt staggered me.

“Me, either.”

Jordan hooked her leg over mine, burrowing deeper into the crook of my arm, soft and warm against my bare skin, the sensation of having her close doing nothing to lessen the need humming through my body. Her hand drifted lower and my breath caught.

“I could stay like this forever,” she murmured, her fingers lazy, stroking and gliding over me with enough pressure to bring me to the precipice without giving me what I craved.

I grinned. “Same.” My hands drifted down her skin, tracing the curves there. I’d had her hours ago and I was already hungry for her again. “Have I mentioned how much I love your body?”

Her expression turned playful instantly, her voice taking on the husky purr my body instantly gravitated toward.