Finding Isadora(115)

“Each couple has to find their own way.” He took a deep breath. “I admit the word forever scares the crap out of me, but when I look across the table at your face—” He broke off, shaking his head bemusedly.

“I know it’s too soon to be thinking about commitment, but…” I leaned forward. “What do you think when you look at my face?”

He studied me for what seemed like a long time, as if to make sure of what he felt. Then he nodded. “That I could happily look at your face forever. That I’ll be a better person with you in my life, and I’d be miserable without you.”

“Me, too,” I whispered. And, that easily, I could imagine us standing on a beach, making vows of commitment to each other. Not vows sanctified by a church we didn’t believe in, or a state we often opposed, but personal vows that meant everything to the two of us. Vows witnessed by my parents, Maria and her husband, Janice and Martin, Alyssa and her mom. Even Richard, if we were very lucky.

“I was so sure what I wanted,” I said wonderingly. “Before I met you. How can so much have changed in such a short time?”

“Life happens that way sometimes. Now, everything’s new. We’re starting out on a fresh path.”

“I’m sure of one thing,” I told him. “I love you.”

“And I love you. So we’ll find our way together. Yeah, it’s scary, but it’s exciting too.”

“It’s definitely that,” I agreed.

He took a deep breath. “Let’s carry on with your ground rules. A house. You once said you wanted to own a house. Tell me about that. Are we talking a mansion on Marine Drive?”

“No way. Nothing fancy, but enough room for cats and dogs and any other animals I might bring home.”

“I can understand about the animals, but…” He shrugged. “Property ownership seems materialistic. I’ve never really thought of doing it.”

“Nor have my parents. Life with them was always so temporary. No point getting attached to a place because you might have to move. It’s not about materialism, Gabriel, but stability. I want a home. A real home.”

“Hmm.” It was a musing sound, not a negative one.

Encouraged, I went on. “And I want financial security. Not wealth, just being able to know we’ll all be okay when we get old. Jimmy Lee and Grace too, because they show no signs of ever saving a penny.”

He tilted his head. “I could say they make their own choices and they’re not your responsibility. They wouldn’t want to be.”

“I know. But I love them. They’re devoting their lives to looking after the world. If they reach a point where they can’t look after themselves, I want to be able to do it.”

Surprisingly, he smiled. “I agree. You know, I’m not irresponsible when it comes to money, Isadora.”

“I know. But I doubt security has been your priority.”

He shook his head. “No. But you’re making good points. I sure as hell don’t want to ever have to be supported by the state, or have anyone I care about put in that position. Like if anything ever happened to you so you couldn’t work. Or to Richard.”

I believed him totally. He really did love his son, and he was learning, at long last, what it meant to be a parent. I stroked his hand gently. “That thing about hating doing things you don’t do well…”

“Mmm hmm?”

I took a deep breath. “I think you could be a good father.”

“I’d settle for acceptable. If Richard figured I was acceptable, then—”

Not Richard. I wasn’t talking about Richard now. My expression stopped him.

His face went shuttered. In a flat tone, he said, “You’re talking about us having kids together.”

Yes, we’d come a long way tonight. What would I do if he drew his line here and said he’d never have another child? My throat was so tight with nerves, I could barely force out words. “I want children, and I know you’ve said you don’t. But things have changed. You’ve changed.”

“Changed,” he said reflectively, then frowned. “Yeah, but… God, Isadora.”

“Gabriel, I would never try to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to. But I can’t imagine my life without one or two kids, and I want to make those babies with the man I love. Not now, not until we’re sure of our relationship. But I think we’d make terrific children.”

A tiny smile flickered across his face, and I wondered if he, too, could imagine those wonderful kids. Then he frowned again. “What if I was a shitty father, like the first time?”

I shook my head firmly. “You wouldn’t be. If I thought that, I’d never contemplate having kids with you.”

I leaned forward, forcing him to meet my eyes. “Gabriel, look how you’re reaching out to Richard, even when the going is incredibly rough. And you’re balancing your priorities so work doesn’t always come first. I’m not saying it would be easy, juggling kids, a home, animals, work that’s important to us, but people do it all the time. And I think we could do it well.”

He was still frowning, but it was a contemplative frown that told me he was at least considering it rather than dismissing the idea out of hand. “We’d have to be damned creative, some times.”