Finding Eden (A Sign of Love Novel)(62)

I thought about his question. "I guess . . . I guess I just want to figure out what feels right to me, you know? Not what feels right to anyone else, but to me. What kind of god feels right to me."
"And what have you figured out?"
"I don't know yet. I'm still working on it. All I know is that just like love, God shouldn't hurt." I sighed. "That's all I've figured out so far."
He frowned up at the ceiling. "I'm not working on it," he said. "I have no desire to worship a god or gods who looked down and watched what happened in Acadia without intervening. They did nothing to help."
I was quiet for a minute. I'd thought the very same thought, a million times over. "They brought the rain," I finally said.
Calder was quiet for a minute. "If they did, then they also watched Hailey's four little boys die a terror-filled death they didn't deserve. They watched thirty-seven children under the age of ten as their small lungs filled up with water and they flailed and asked the gods why they weren't helping them. They were far more innocent than me. The gods ignored their cries." He looked over at me. "The littlest one of Hailey's boys, he still sucked his thumb, Eden. He still sucked his thumb. How can I believe in any power that would allow that to happen? I can't."
I shook my head sadly. "I don't know. I don't understand it either."
After a minute of each of us lost in our own thoughts, I said, "I will tell you this though. In those last moments, in the midst of the screaming and the terror, I heard mothers comforting their children. I heard words of love drifting to me through the walls." I shook my head, remembering. "In those last moments, yes there was horror and there was fear. But there was also love. As unimaginable as it is, Calder, there was love in that room. And maybe . . . maybe that's where God was. Maybe if you find the love in any situation, even the most horrifying ones, maybe that's where God is."
Calder didn't say anything, but he pulled me to him and held me tightly.

**********

On the fourth morning, we woke up and Calder wrapped himself around me like he did every morning. He hadn't woken up from a nightmare in two nights now and he looked happy and rested and beautifully messy.
"Mmm," he murmured pressing his nose against the back of my neck. "You smell good." His voice was deliciously gravelly. I loved his morning voice even more than his regular voice.
I laughed softly. "I'm sure I don't."
He shook his head, rubbing his nose against my shoulder. "You do. You smell like my woman."
"We should really take a shower," I whispered. Although in truthfulness, I loved the way he smelled, too, even though he was sweaty and dirty and un-showered. I could have stuck my nose in his armpit and inhaled happily. It was one of those very human things that was sort of sexy and sort of gross at the same time.
Calder was quiet for a minute. "I guess. Are we going to get out of The Bed of Healing?"
"Do you feel healed?"
He kissed my shoulder blade, rubbing his lips against it, taking time to consider my question. "I think I do, yeah. Enough to function somewhat normally, anyway. How about you?"
I nodded and pulled his arm around me tighter. "I think I do, too."
Calder sighed. "I'm going to miss this bed."
I grinned and looked back over my shoulder at him. "Well, we're still going to sleep in it. We're just not going to live in it anymore."
He groaned. "I liked living in it."
"Me, too," I said softly.
"So does that mean you'll move in with me?" he asked, a gravelly nervousness in the tone of his voice.