Finding Carly (SEAL Team Hawaii #5)(13)

A pang of longing hit Carly. She wanted to. She really wanted to. But the thought of being out in the open for so long made her heart rate spike. And if she brought attention to her friends, led Luke to any of them, she’d never forgive herself.

“Look at me, angel,” Jag said in a low tone Carly couldn’t ignore.

She hated being like this. She missed the outgoing person she used to be. She looked over at Jag and saw him splitting his attention between her and the road.

“I’m pushing you hard. I know that. But you aren’t alone. You’ve got people who love and care about you. You said you wanted to take your life back, and I want to help you do that. As much as I want to be by your side every minute of every day, I can’t. The last thing I want is you hiding out at my place just as you were in yours.”

“You think I want that?” Carly asked almost angrily. “I hate feeling scared to step foot outside. I hate being bored out of my mind sitting at home. I miss my friends!”

“Then let me help you find the old Carly,” Jag said, not upset by her outburst in the least.

“What if you can’t? What if she’s gone?” Carly whispered.

“She isn’t,” he said firmly. “She might be changed, but she’s not gone. You’re gonna get through this. Want to know how I know?”

Carly nodded.

“Because you want to. That seems simplistic, but when I look into your eyes, I see determination. And anger. And a desire to take back your life. And believe me when I say that many people who go through a trauma don’t have that. They sometimes lose themselves. But not you. You can do this, Carly. It won’t be easy. God, I wish I could tell you that it’s just a matter of thinking positive, but it’s so much more than that. It’s struggling every day to overcome the demons in your head that are trying to tell you it’s safer to hide out. It’s forcing yourself to do things that scare you. It’s leaning on your friends when you think you can’t continue by yourself. You can do this, angel. I believe in you.”

Carly swallowed hard and let his words sink into her psyche. She needed to hear that. Well, not the part about things being hard, but the rest of it.

And something else struck her right then…

Jag spoke as if he knew firsthand what he was talking about. As if he’d gone through something similar.

But that couldn’t be right. He was the strongest person she knew. What could he have experienced that was anywhere near what she’d gone through? She didn’t think being targeted by someone who wanted to kill him was it; being a SEAL made him a target every time he went on a mission, didn’t it? Had he been a POW? Tortured?

Carly realized at that moment that she didn’t really know Jag. She knew he was trustworthy, that he’d been there when she needed him. But she didn’t know even the basic stuff about him. Where he grew up. If he had siblings. Why he’d joined the Navy in the first place.

And not knowing those things made her frown. Suddenly she wanted to know everything about this man. She’d relied on him over the last few months. Realizing only now how selfish she’d been. “Jag?”

“Yeah, angel?”

“I…okay.”

He looked over at her in concern. “Okay?”

She nodded. “I can do this. I’m not going to let Shawn win.”

“That’a girl,” he said with pride.

“But can we wait and see how the visit with the detective goes before we make other plans? Can we take Operation Bring Back Carly in baby steps?”

Jag chuckled. “Yeah, angel. We can. And I’m sorry, I tend to get a little focused when there’s something I want.”

He glanced over at her again—and Carly stopped breathing at seeing the look of interest and intensity in his gaze. When he looked back at the road, she felt as if she could breathe again. Good Lord, Jag was lethal.

Yet, she couldn’t help the spark of contentment deep inside that he’d looked at her that way.

Determination rose within her once again. She felt as if she was on a roller coaster with her emotions changing so much. One second she was terrified, then she was angry, then she wanted to cry…and now she was wondering how she could maybe attract Jag so he’d like her as much more than a friend.

It was confusing and tiring, but for the first time in months, Carly felt alive. As if maybe, just maybe, she had a future. Even in death, Shawn had taken that from her for a while. But she was going to do her best to move on. Put Shawn behind her. And the first step was demanding the detective talk to her about her case. Tell her what he’d found out about Luke, if anything. What he learned would hopefully help her go forward.

Without Jag by her side, Carly had a feeling she never would’ve gotten up the courage to take this trip to the station. But he was there, and she felt stronger as a result. Squeezing his hand in gratitude, Carly did her best to relax against the seat.

Today felt like the first day of the rest of her life. She had no idea where she’d go from here, but it had to be better than cowering in a corner of her bedroom. Peeking over at Jag, she marveled again that he was with her. Holding her hand. Calling her angel.

She wanted this man for her own. He was nothing like Shawn, and she knew that down to the bottom of her soul. But she wanted to be a better woman for him. He deserved someone who wasn’t scared all the time. Someone he could be proud of.