Fighting the Flames (Firefighter Romance #1)(29)

“Ryan, please, I’m sorry.” Tears coursed down her face. This isn’t how it was supposed to go. She knew she shouldn’t have told him. Honesty sucked.

“Did you?” He stopped getting dressed, but he kept his back to her.

“Did I what?”

He turned to face her. His eyes were cold and hard, his mouth set in a firm line, arms crossed over his chest. “Did you marry him?”

Her lips trembled. “I left him the night before the wedding.”

Ryan laughed a short incredulous laugh. “You may not have married him, but you were going to, weren’t you?” He turned back around and gathered his socks from the floor. “I guess it’s good to know I’m not the only man you’ve run out on.”

“Oh no.” Jessie cupped her hand over her mouth. Tears fell freely down her cheeks. She was a horrible person. Ryan was going to walk out of her life and that’s exactly what she deserved. But she didn’t expect it to hurt so much. His voice was thick with so much anger and hurt. She didn’t blame him, but it was hard to hear. He sat on the edge of the bed. Jessie put her hand on his shoulder, fully expecting him to push her away. He sat motionless, head down, hands in his lap.

“I loved you, Jess. I wanted to spend my life with you.” He spoke so low, yet his words hit her like a Mack truck. “You broke my heart.”

“I’m so sorry, Ryan.” She kneeled behind him and wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face against him.

Ryan twisted around and looked at her. “Why bother telling me any of this? Why now?”

“Because you deserve to know the truth. And because I’m trying really hard to put my life back together and learn to stand on my own, without the support of a man.”

“Without me, you mean?”

“Please try to understand. I don’t trust anyone, Ryan, especially men. I’m sorry. It’s nothing personal, it’s just...” She sighed, not wanting to think about her dad. “Derrick really messed me up.”

“I’m not Derrick.” He took her face into his hands. “You can trust me, Jess.”

“You say that now…” She felt like such a bitch. It wasn’t fair that Ryan had to pay for the crap that had happened in her past. But it paralyzed her with fear to let her guard down and trust. She just wasn’t ready yet. Maybe she’d never be.

Ryan lowered his mouth and kissed her softly, his tongue a whisper over hers, and then a demand. She moaned and laid back on the bed, bringing him down over her. She clung to him and kissed him deeply; desperate to get as much of him as she could, knowing it could be the last time. Jessie pawed and tugged at his shirt until it was off and once again in a heap on the floor. She touched every inch of him that she could get her hands on: shoulders, back, chest, stomach, waist.

“Oh Jess.” He pulled the blanket from her body and fondled her breast, his thumb rubbing over her nipple. “Trust me. All I want is to be with you.” He nipped at her bottom lip. “I can’t get enough of you. Please, baby.” His mouth crushed hers in a dominant, toe-curling kiss that had her fighting to catch her breath and gather her wits. “Please, Jess, say it. Say you’ll be with me.”

It took all of her courage plus more she didn’t know she had to let her hands fall from his body. “Ryan, please, stop.” He recoiled as if she’d slapped him. It was the first time she’d ever told him no to sex.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“We can’t keep doing this. I’m not ready for a relationship.”

Ryan sat up and took several deep breaths. “You’re not ready.” He grabbed his shirt and put it on again.

“No. But I want to be friends, Ryan.”

“Friends?” He laughed. “You. Want. To. Be. Friends.” He punched the words out.

“Yes.”

He shook his head. “And to f*ck with what I want, right?” He slipped his feet into his sneakers.

“Will you even try?” Her voice had taken on a high pitched whiny quality and she hated herself for it. The thought of not having Ryan in her life, even as a friend, was unbearable. She’d lived without him before. She didn’t think she’d survive it again. Yet, here she was, messing it up again. “Please?”

“Fuck you.” He left without another word.

Jessie buried her face in her pillow and sobbed. She’d succeeded in alienating Ryan and breaking his heart… again. What the hell was wrong with her?





Chapter 16


Three days later, Ryan was on duty at the station. He was thankful it had been a quiet day so he could hang out in the basement gym. He was in no mood to socialize. In fact, he couldn’t recall having a conversation with anyone for more than a minute or two since Jess had dropped the bomb on him. He beat the punching bag so hard his knuckles bled. She had left him three years earlier so she could marry another man. “Damn it!” He punched several times with his right hand and then his left. As if that wasn’t hard enough to swallow, she drops it on him that she just wants to be friends. Friends! “Fuck it.” He couldn’t be friends with her, not when he loved her like he did. How in the hell was he supposed to be around her and not touch her or kiss her? How in the world did she expect him to just hang out with her as if everything was okay? Things were far from okay. He hauled off and kicked the bag, waiting for it to swing back so he could wail on it again. The pain in his hands numbed the pain he felt in his heart.