Fighting Redemption(60)

Fuck. He should have told her sooner but he hadn’t wanted anything to spoil the beautiful spark of happiness in her eyes. Now it was gone, and who knew when and if he would ever see it again.

“Oh, Fin, honey, what happened?” Julie called out. She came running over, a dust pan and brush in her hands.

“Just a broken plate, Mum,” she told Julie without looking away from him. “I’ll clean up the mess.”

Julie crouched at her feet. “No, I’ve got it. Just step away a bit so I can get it all.”

Fin took a step back. “Actually, if you’ll … I just need to use the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

“Fin!” he called out, watching helplessly as she fled inside and disappeared upstairs.

“She didn’t know,” Mike muttered.

“I …” Christ. Ryan ran fingers through his hair. “No.”

Mike nodded towards the bathroom. “Better go talk to her.”

Ryan opened the bathroom door without knocking. Fin was sitting on the edge of the bath, staring down at her hands. Shutting the door behind him, he walked over to her and knelt between her legs.

She looked at him and smiled, but it was forced because it didn’t reach her eyes. “You don’t need to explain anything, Ryan. I just want to go home. Take me home, okay?”

“Okay,” he agreed.

Ryan was quiet the entire drive back to the cottage. Why did everyone always paint love as pretty rainbows and happily ever afters? It wasn’t any of that. To love was to feel the greatest of agony, burn in the hottest fires of Hell, and fail the only people who ever mattered.

“I’m going to have a shower,” Fin mumbled when they walked through the front door.

Ryan let her go without a word and headed for the kitchen. Reaching into the top cupboard, he grabbed the bottle of scotch and a glass. As he slammed the door shut, a piece of paper fluttered down from above the cupboards and landed on the floor. Picking it up, he sat it on the bench as he poured out a glass and tossed back the contents. It burned his throat going down, and warmth spread across his chest. As he poured another, his eyes fell to the slip of paper. Sipping at his drink, Ryan snatched it up and unfolded it. He scanned the page quickly, and before he sat down to read it again, this time more carefully, he tossed back the second drink and poured another.

By the time Fin padded softly into the kitchen in a simple singlet and panties, her damp hair falling over her shoulders, he hadn’t moved. She looked at him and then at the bit of paper in his hands.

“What’s that?”

Ryan handed it over wordlessly.

“Oh,” she murmured and folded it back up as though it meant nothing.

“Please tell me you accepted it.”

“Of course I didn’t.”





Ryan slammed his glass down hard on the breakfast table, anger flashing in his eyes. “This is your dream,” he ground out. “An opportunity to do your PhD at the Climate Change Research Centre. This is years of work, Fin. A chance to complete your thesis and be able to carry out your own original research. This is everything you’ve ever worked for!”

The bit of paper crumpled in her clenched fist. “Don’t tell me what it is. I already know.”

“Then why aren’t you going?”

“Because it’s four goddamn years on the other side of the country!” she yelled. “I’m not leaving you!”

“You are,” he roared back as he stood up. “Because I’m already going and when I come back—”

“I’ll be right here, waiting for you,” she shouted over the top of him. “It’s a thesis for God’s sake, Ryan. You’re my life! Every moment with you is one I won’t give up for anything, or anyone.”

“I can’t be your goddamn life! What happens to you if I’m not here?”

She froze, her body still as her heart splintered into pieces at the very thought. “The same thing that happens to you if I’m not.”

“No.” He jabbed his finger in her chest. “You can’t say shit like that.”

“I’m not leaving!” she shouted.

“You’re acting like you have a choice, but you don’t!” he roared back. “You’re going. I won’t let you put your life on hold for me.”

“Ryan—”

He cut her off. “You’ll accept the research program. If you can’t go for yourself, go for Jake.”

“That’s not fair!” she yelled, her eyes burning with tears.

“When it comes to this, I can’t fight fair, baby.”

Ryan strode towards the couch, grabbing his jacket from where he’d flung it so casually when they walked through the front door.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going out.”

“Fine!” she yelled. “Go!”

Ignoring her, he picked up his keys and strode down the hallway. She stood there, her chest heaving with so much anger she couldn’t see straight. Why couldn’t he see how much more important he was to her right now? Her thesis could wait, it wasn’t going anywhere. She needed to be here.

As he opened the door, he looked over his shoulder. “When I come back from Afghanistan, I don’t want you here. I don’t …” He paused and took a deep breath. “I’ve always said to you not to let anyone stop you from being who you need to be, and that includes me.”