Fighting Redemption(49)

In his young mind, Kassidy had been just a dumb annoying girl, always stumbling over something. So clumsy, just like Fin was. Despite their different colouring, meeting Fin that first day at school, seeing her trip up the stairs, God, it was like seeing his sister all over again. From that day on he watched over Fin, scared that something would happen to her just like it did his sister.

“It wasn’t your fault, Ryan,” came his mother’s soft voice behind him.

He opened his eyes, swallowing the sudden rush of fury. Turning, he looked at her, his jaw tight. Ryan had lived with the blame, the pain, the beatings, their hate; he breathed it into his lungs with every step he took, every single day.

“Twenty years,” he ground out. “I lived with that and I had to come to you for you to say four little words that back then might have changed my entire world.”

She sank down into the pale, cushioned couch behind her and set his coffee on the little side table with shaky hands. When she let go of the cup, she gripped her hands together, her knuckles white. “I’m sorry.”

He opened his mouth to speak, but she continued before he could say anything.

“I know words are meaningless, but when Kassidy died … I couldn’t come back from it. It was like I was lost, standing outside of myself, for years. Your father … he’d always been quick to rage, but he … oh God,” she moaned, wiping at the tears that rolled down her face. “How he would beat you for the smallest things, and I was so lost I did nothing. Then one day, you were just never home anymore and I was glad. I was so glad,” she said fiercely.

The words stung. “You never wanted me around anymore.”

“No, I didn’t. I wasn’t strong enough to stand up to your father, Ryan. I wanted you away from him. You had Mike and Julie looking after you, and that was so much better than being in the poison of our house.”

Ryan’s mouth fell open. “You knew where I was?”

She choked on a sob. “I did.”

He went and sat down on the chair beside her. “You never said.”

“I watched you. Sometimes I would sit in my car and watch you play rugby with Jake. Mike would be there helping you with your bags, Julie would be cheering you on, and their daughter, Finlay, was always there with either her nose stuck in a book or watching you. Living on the sidelines of your life hurt so much, but that was all I deserved. You were thriving with the Tanners, Ryan. You were smiling and laughing, so I would leave and go back to your father and dread the nights you returned. Though as you got older, and taller, your father couldn’t be less bothered with you at all and just drank more.” She ran her eyes over him. “You’re so big now, so much more than I ever hoped you would be. Seeing you now makes me wonder how Kassidy would’ve turned out.”

Ryan looked down at his hands. Time and again he wondered the same thing. Fin and Kassidy would have been fast friends if her life hadn’t been cut so short. “She would have been beautiful.”

His mother sighed heavily in the silence.

“Jake died,” he blurted out.

Her bottom lip trembled. “I know. It was on the news. Every time I heard of a soldier’s death in Afghanistan I would hold my breath and pray. And one day there was your Jake on the news. I’m so sorry.”

Why the hell did he bring that up? Ryan stood abruptly. “I should go.”

“Oh … but you didn’t drink your coffee.”

The walls were closing in on him and she was talking about coffee? Fuck. He needed to get outside and draw air into his lungs. “Another time maybe.”

Ryan strode towards the door, and his mother started grabbing randomly at some of the photos on the wall. She piled them in his arms, fussing when one started to fall. He clutched it before it fell and turned to leave. Hesitating, he stopped and met her eyes. “Mum. For what it’s worth, I’m glad you kicked Dad out.”

“Ryan,” she whispered and reached for his hand. She gave it a squeeze. “You have this quiet, inner strength about you, and I have no idea where it came from. I’m not like you. I’m weak and tired, never strong enough to deal with your father, let alone kick him out. He just left.”

He nodded. His mother was right. She wasn’t strong, but the type of people his parents were only made him work twice as hard to be everything they weren’t. “Are you happier?”

“I’m not sure I’ll ever be that, but I’m better. What about you?”

His mind went immediately to Fin, his pulse racing at the knowledge she was tucked safely in his heart. He smiled at his mother. “I’m getting there.”

Ryan strode out the door.

“Ryan!” she called out, and his chest tightened at the memory of that voice calling him inside when he was little. He turned. “Call me sometime. If you want to. My number’s listed.”

He nodded and gave her a casual salute before getting in his car.

“Well that went well.”

Ryan started the car and wiped the light sheen of sweat from his brow. “You think, Jake?”

“I don’t think. I’m just a voice in your head, remember?”

“Is this you reminding me about letting you go or risk being a looney tune again?”

“Just read my letter, Kendall.”

“Why? So I have to say goodbye to you forever?”