Erasing Faith(17)

“Margot,” I bit out, clenching my fists together so I wouldn’t reach out and strangle her. “Do you also consider Chinese water-torture or having bamboo shoots forced beneath your fingernails fun? Because I’d rather sign up for either of those activities than go freaking speed-dating with total strangers!”

“Oh, relax.” Margot huffed. “Let’s get a drink. You’ll feel much better after a glass of wine.”

“Are you planning to roofie it?”

“Only if you continue being such a spoilsport,” she countered breezily, grabbing my hand and tugging me forward.

There was a buffet table of appetizers on the left where, thankfully, most of the crowd had gathered. A makeshift bar had been set up on the right. I beelined for it, and not five minutes later, I had a complimentary glass of cheap, boxed wine clutched tightly in one hand – in the nick of time, too, because a bubbly woman with a brunette bob straight out of the 1950s had just grabbed an electronic megaphone and stepped up onto a stool to address the crowd.

“Good evening, everyone! I’m Linda!” Her voice boomed at such a high decibel, the mic let out a piercing shriek that probably set every dog in a ten-mile radius on high alert. I rubbed at my ringing ears and took a large sip of wine from my plastic glass. It tasted horrible, but I was pretty sure if I drank enough of it, the night might become a fraction more tolerable.

“Sorry, sorry!” the woman blathered into the bullhorn. “Still getting the hang of this thing!”

Her amplified giggles made me want to hurl myself into the lake.

“So, anywho!” she continued, her voice full of excitement. “You’ve gathered here tonight because you’re all English-speaking singles looking to spice up your love lives overseas! Am I right? Or am I right, people?”

I nearly threw up in my mouth, but managed to stop myself. I wasn’t about to waste a single drop of the precious little wine remaining in my glass.

Thank god no one in the audience chorused you’re right! back at Linda. I drew the line at campy call-and-response activities.

“So, as you can see, there are twenty tables total — ten in each row.” Linda gestured to the cocktail tables, each of which was topped with a paper placard. “Where are my ladies at, tonight?”

There were halfhearted murmurs from the women in the audience. Margot giggled; I sipped more wine.

“We’ve got a great group this evening, I can just tell!” Linda gushed. I was beginning to wonder if she’d popped a happy pill — or six — before beginning her speech. “So, ladies, you’ll each be stationed at a table. Gentlemen, you’ll rotate from woman to woman when you hear this sound!”

Linda rang a small bell with so much enthusiasm, I thought her arm might snap off.

“Each round is five minutes! Any questions?”

Silence from the crowd.

“Excellent!” Linda smiled wide. “And just remember… when you hear the bell toot, it’s time to scoot! No lingering, gentlemen.”

I did throw up in my mouth a little, that time.

“Now, off you go, ladies! Find your name and table.” Linda clapped her hands in excitement. “Gentlemen, please line up over here. You’ll have a better view of the ladies as they get settled from this spot, anyway!”

I turned to Margot with a fake smile plastered on my lips. “When your body washes up on the banks of the Danube tomorrow morning, just know… you totally deserved it.”

Ignoring my words, Margot shimmied her entire body inappropriately in my direction, drawing attentive stares from several of our potential suitors. “Oh, yeah. Single and ready to mingle. Let’s get this party started.”

With that, she turned and headed off to find her table. I raised my glass to take another sip of wine and was dismayed to find it completely empty.

Damn. This night was really not going my way.

***

“So, as I was saying, I’m really just here for a few weeks. It was the next stop on my bucket list, so I had to check it out. I’ve been all over Europe — Prague, Vienna, Florence, Amsterdam. I’m gonna hit up Asia next, then maybe head to Australia for a while.” He finally took a breath. “You know, some people aren’t like me.”

What, you mean not everyone is a total narcissist? Well, thank the lord for that.

“Some people aren’t lucky. Not everyone gets to travel to fifty countries in two years,” Earl prattled on, entirely unaware of my thoughts. He smiled at me with a faux-humble grin he’d no doubt been perfecting since his boarding school days, and I tried my best not to gag. “Not everyone has a trust fund, either,” he added.

Jesus. Was this guy for real? Did women actually find this shit appealing?

Actually, given the fact that he was self-enrolled in a speed-dating service, I was going to assume the answer to my question was hell f*cking no. I cast my eyes heavenward and prayed for divine intervention. Maybe a merciful lightning bolt would strike him — or me — dead. Because Earl was match number six, and, so far, he was the best of the bunch.

The first two guys had essentially stared at my boobs until the bell rang. The third had at least attempted conversation, not only revealing that he’d been traveling the world on a religious pilgrimage for the past eight months, but also attempting to convert me when I told him my parents had raised me without any formal religion — all in five minutes or less, mind you. Number four had been so shy, I’d initially wondered if, like me, he’d been forced into this situation by his friends, so I struck up a scintillating conversation about how beautiful the park was at this time of year. It seemed like an innocuous enough topic.