Eighteen (18)(60)

Shannon: You should come home tonight.

Mateo: Probably can’t, but we’ll talk later.

I don’t text back, and he doesn’t either. How did things get weird all of a sudden?

Maybe things have always been weird, Shannon? Maybe you just never noticed it before?

I sigh and throw my phone down on the cushion, bored out of my mind. For the first time this whole semester I have nothing to do and nowhere to be. No one is counting on me, and even though I resented the fact that I was taking care of Olivia all the time, now that she’s not here I just want her back. Bad.

I swallow my pride and call Jason, just to check and make sure everything is OK. He picks up on the first ring.

“Yeah,” he barks. I can hear Olivia crying in the background.

“Jason? Is Olivia OK? I got your note.”

“Fine,” he says absently. “Just hungry. I’m about to feed her now.”

“I can watch her tonight, you know. She can stay here at home if you’re busy.”

“Nah, I’m gonna keep her with me. And I didn’t want to have this talk on the phone, but since I’ve got you, you know that you can’t stay anymore, right?”

“What?”

“I didn’t want to tell you like this, but I’ve got a girlfriend. She has kids too. And our lease is up on Monday, Shannon. I’m moving away.”

“Where?”

“Back to San Diego. I’ve got a restaurant job down there again. I’m taking this girl and her kids with me. She’s gonna take care of Olivia from now on.”

“Oh.”

“You’ve got all weekend to find a place though. So you can stay until Monday. I already moved our shit out.”

My throat starts to close up. “OK.”

“Great, see ya around.”

That call drops too and I just stare at the phone. I think my whole life just fell apart. My heart starts beating fast and I can feel the tears coming. It’s not like I’m going to miss Jason, but just the thought of not being in Olivia’s life breaks my heart. And he’s replacing me with the babysitter, I just know it. I know she has two kids. He’s probably been waiting for me to graduate all semester so they could move and leave me behind.

I look around and notice little things are missing. We didn’t have much, but the small things that said we live here are gone. The apartment was furnished, except for the bedrooms, but when I walk down the hallway and into Jason’s room, it’s cleaned out. No bed, no crib, no diapers or bottles lying around. Everything is just gone.

I walk back to my room and flip on the lights. I have my futon and two cardboard boxes on either side of it that I use as nightstands. I have a few clothes in the closet, but that’s it. I’m eighteen, I have no living relatives aside from a six-month-old baby, and my entire self-worth is contained in this bedroom.

I have a bank account and some money. Gigi has paid me every two weeks for the work I’ve put into the website. But it’s not much. I get a little of that large payout with each check. Not enough to pay for an apartment in Orange County, that’s for sure. I wondered all semester how Jason could afford this place. It might not look like much, but this is Colonial Anaheim and the rent is eighteen hundred a month. I guess that mystery is solved, since he’s a drug runner for Phil and not an actual chef.

I could go back to Ohio. I could. It’s a lot cheaper to live there.

But Olivia… I promised I would not leave her behind and now she’s being taken away.

Why didn’t I see this coming? I knew Mateo was leaving, but Jason? It never entered my mind that he’d throw me away. I always figured he sorta needed me.

But he doesn’t. He has the babysitter to fill my shoes.

I drop to my knees on the bed and then crawl to the pillows and start to cry. It’s not a sobbing cry. I’m not that kind of girl. It’s a silent one. The kind where the tears just fall out. I know I should be worried about where I will live next week, but all I see is Olivia’s face. All I think about is her growing bigger, and learning to crawl, and talk, and walk. And I won’t get to be there for any of it.

I have never felt this sad in my whole life. Not when my mother died. I had Jill then. We had a house and a car and I had all my friends and their parents coming by to make sure we were OK. I had teachers and neighbors who cared.

Not when Jill died. I was too scared of the future to mourn her properly. Too worried about Jason’s erratic moods and Olivia’s infant demands to take in how much I just lost with her death.

But this… I cry a little harder. Maybe I am that kind of cryer? This is so much worse. Because I have no one but Mateo. And he will leave me behind in two days when he goes out into the world to sell his software and make his dreams come true.

Do I even have dreams? No. I don’t. I have thought about nothing but finishing school for months. And yeah, I have this little beginning of a career in web design. But my whole life has been wrapped up in sex and math. A baby and a bad brother-in-law.

I can think of no good way out of this, so I just fall asleep with tears on my pillow and an aching hole in my heart.





Chapter Thirty-Three




My phone is ringing out in the living room. I sit up, disoriented in the dark, then get up and find it on the couch where I left it earlier. “Hello?” I croak out, my voice still heavy with sleep.