Egomaniac(81)

His face fell. “Are you not going to be my daddy anymore? Is that why you won’t take me home to your house?”

I might need that bucket after all. “Oh, God. Nothing like that at all. I’m never going to stop being your daddy. But…” Fuck it, here it goes. “But some kids are lucky and have more than two parents.”

His eyes lit up. “Are you going to marry Emerie?”

Jesus. That hurt on so many levels. “I don’t think that’s going to happen, Beck. No.”

He was getting excited and went off track. “Because Mikayla from school has a stepmom. Her parents are divorced like you and Mommy, and now she has two mommies.”

“No. Well, yes. No. Sort of. The thing is…I’m actually your stepdad.”

“So I have two dads?” He scrunched up his nose.

“You do. When you were born, your mom and I were married. I didn’t know you weren’t my…” I felt the words start to bubble in my throat and had to clear it a few times to fight off showing how upset I was. I needed Beck to know what I was telling him would have no effect on our relationship, and my crying wouldn’t send the right message.

I started again. “I didn’t know you weren’t…my son, biologically, until years after you were born.”

“If you’re not my blogical dad, then who is?”

“It’s a man named Levi. Mom says you’ve met him already a few times.”

His eyes lit up. “The race car driver?”

I was emotionally conflicted. While it sucked for me that he was excited about that asshole being related to him, if it made it easier for him to accept the news, I was all for that.

“Yes. The race car driver.”

“He drives a cool car! It’s got a hood scoop, and it’s loud.”

I forced a smile. “Your mom is going to have you start to get to know Levi. But it doesn’t mean that anything is going to change between you and me.”

He thought about everything I’d said for a moment, then asked, “Do you still love me?”

Beck might be almost seven and starting to get too cool to hold my hand as he walked into school, but all bets were off now. I hoisted him onto my lap and spoke directly into his eyes. “I love you more than anything in this world.”

“So you’re not leaving me because I have a new dad?”

“No, Beck. I’d never leave you. People don’t leave when they love someone. They stick around forever. That’s why I’m moving to Atlanta. Your mom brought you down here, and I go where you go.”

“Did my blogical dad not love me, and that’s why we lived in New York?”

Jesus. He had some tough questions.

“I know it’s confusing, but Levi didn’t know you were his son when you were born. So he didn’t get a chance to know you. Now that he knows, he’s gonna love you too, I’m sure.”

I realized it was time I sat down and had a talk with Levi to make sure my son would be the priority he needed to be. If he was going to be part of his life, he’d better not be a disappointment.

“Will he live here, too?”

“I’m not sure, buddy.”

“But you said people don’t leave when they love someone. So he’ll only leave if he doesn’t love me?”

God, I was fucking this up royally.

“Sometimes you have to leave physically when you love someone, like maybe for work, but you figure out other ways to still be with them every day. When I said people don’t leave when they love someone, I didn’t mean they had to be there in person every single day. You just have to get more creative to find ways to be together when you can’t be there in person. Like you and I did the last month when I had to go back to New York to work.”

“Like FaceTiming with Mom’s iPhone?”

“Exactly.”

“Like Snapchatting?”

“I’m not up on that one. But if you say so.”

Beck nodded and was silent for a while.

It was a lot to take in, especially for a kid his age. To this day, I could barely process it.

“You have any questions, bud?”

“Do I still get to call you Dad?”

My heart dropped. “Yes, you definitely do. I’m always going to be your dad.”

“What will I call Levi then?” The thought of my son calling another man Dad was physically painful. But my own pain didn’t matter.

“I’m sure you, Mom, and Levi will figure that out eventually.”

A few minutes later, Beck asked if he could turn his cartoons back on. He seemed no worse for the wear. I, on the other hand, felt like I’d just done ten rounds in a heavyweight fight with my hands tied behind my back. I was mentally and physically exhausted.

That night, after I dropped Beck back with Alexa, I laid in my bed at the hotel, replaying our conversation over and over. It was important to me that I stood behind the things I’d said to my son today. Kids learned more from what parents did than what they said. I needed to show him I was here for the long haul, especially because I couldn’t control what Levi and Alexa did.

As I attempted to fall asleep, one thing kept nagging at the back of my mind and wouldn’t let me settle. It was something I’d said. While I believed the words to be true, if I was being honest with myself, I wasn’t exactly living up to my own edict. And it had nothing to do with my son.