Down and Out(91)

I kiss the spot just above her navel. “I’ve never done that to anyone before.”
“Good.” She twirls a lock of my hair around her finger. “I like that we’re each other’s firsts.”
It doesn’t escape my attention that she can’t seem to stop touching me, but I don’t mind, not in the slightest. Maybe she needs the affection as much as I do right now.

Leaning against Savannah’s doorframe, I watch her slip on a pair of panties. It’s the only article of clothing she has on as she digs through the top drawer of her dresser.
“Are you enjoying the view?” she asks, smiling bashfully as she glances up at me and my unwavering stare.
“Very much so.”
Her face turns the prettiest shade of pink I’ve ever seen. It’s even creeping down her slender neck, and I feel a tad disappointed when it disappears under the collar of the oversized shirt she’s just put on.
It occurs to me then that her reaction could mean something else entirely. Something darker that I never would’ve guessed before tonight. Frowning, I ask, “Does it make you uncomfortable when I say stuff like that? Do you want me to stop?”
Since the beginning, I’ve been very forward with Savannah. I’ve said blunt, crass things and I’ve never been good at keeping my hands off her. If I knew then what I know now. . . Yeah, I would’ve done things differently.
Don’t get me wrong, I still would’ve done them, I just would’ve been more delicate about it.
She looks down and closes the drawer. “It doesn’t make me uncomfortable.”
“It doesn’t?” Doubt laces my tone as she shakes her head and steps closer, taking a deep breath as her eyes flick from my chest to my eyes. It looks like she’s trying to work up the courage to say something, and I instinctively brace myself.
“When you say stuff like that . . . it makes my stomach do funny things and it throws my heart off track. I like that feeling. I think I’m addicted to that feeling.”
Tentatively, she reaches out and grazes my fingers. She’s obviously not completely comfortable initiating affection yet, but it’s also obvious that she’s trying. For me. I twine our fingers together, keeping my gaze on hers as I bring our joined hands up to my mouth.
She smiles as I kiss the back of her hand and says, “You’re the only one who can make me feel that way, so you can’t stop, okay?”
I don’t want to say or do the wrong thing. I don’t want to trigger some horrible memory for her, but how do I keep from doing that when I don’t know where her boundaries lie? She clearly can’t be trusted to tell me until after the fact, but by then the damage has already been done.
“Okay,” I say after a beat. “Just promise me that if I say or do something to . . . set you off, you won’t wait to tell me, because I—” Because I suddenly don’t know how to act around you, and I’m second-guessing everything I ever said or did.“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You could never hurt me.” At least that’s what I think she says as she wraps her arms around me and nuzzles her face against my chest.
Resting my chin atop her head, I stroke her hair. My mind won’t shut off. It’s still going a mile a minute, and it keeps coming back to something I just don’t understand. “Why didn’t you tell me to stop? Why did you let me. . .” My hand falters as the words leave me so quietly, I’m not even sure I said them.
Savannah pulls back and bites her lip. She glances at me quickly before saying, “You wanted to, and I wanted you. I’ll take you any way I can get you, even if at times it reminded me of . . . you know.”
My whole body goes rigid. “What the hell, Savannah? You didn’t have to put yourself through that. I would’ve stopped in a heartbeat if you’d just said the word. I never want to do something that you’re not totally comfortable with.”
Frowning, she crosses her arms. “I might not have been totally comfortable, but I trusted you enough to do it and that’s a big deal for me. Ever since—him—I’ve been on top every time I’ve had sex. I never trusted anyone else to be in control, but I trust you. And yes, I did it because you wanted to, but I also did it because I wanted to—because I wanted to see if I could. I don’t want him to have this power over me. I want to be normal, I want—” She huffs out a frustrated breath as tears shine in her eyes. “I refuse to let this define me.”
I run my hands up and down her arms. “I get that. I totally get that. But a warning would’ve been nice before we went down that road. You wouldn’t even let me touch you afterward, and with all the crying, I thought. . . Jesus, I thought I hurt you.”
She laughs bitterly and wipes away a stray tear. “You didn’t hurt me. I—” Swallowing, she says, “I liked it.” Her face screws tight with disgust. “God, that’s messed up, isn’t it? I shouldn’t like something that was so familiar to. . .” She shakes her head and wipes away more tears. “I never liked it with him, I swear it. But with you. . .” She shrugs.
I pull her back to me and wrap my arms around her shoulders. “It’s not messed up. Nothing we do will ever be dirty or wrong, because there’s love there. That’s why you liked it. It was safe. I’m safe, and you have to know that, otherwise you wouldn’t trust me.”
I hold her for a bit, wondering something, but afraid to ask. If the answer’s yes, I’m afraid what I might do. But I need to know. If there’s a silver lining somewhere in this clusterf*ck, I need to know.