Down and Out(89)

Bile rises as the image she’s just painted sears into my brain. Then I realize how eerily similar it is to the way I just took her, and I try to breathe through the overwhelming urge to empty the contents of my stomach all over the floor.
That’s what set her off. I f*cking pinned her down and took her from behind just like that monster.
My fingers run through my hair, fisting it, as tears blur my vision. Why didn’t she tell me to stop? Why did she let me do that? I need to know, but the aching tightness in my throat won’t let me speak.
The only thing that crossed my mind as I pushed into Savannah was how right it felt. I wasn’t worried about all the scary shit that can happen when you don’t use protection. And I might’ve been rough, but I was never disrespectful. Every thrust and touch was done with love and the best of intentions, but that sick son of a bitch ruined it, because now I can’t think about it without going to some dark, twisted place.
Everything we just shared is tainted.
Savannah sniffles and wipes her nose, looking at anything but me. “It only happened a few times. He’d make me watch porn while he . . . touched me.” She hiccups on a shuddering breath. “It was gentle at first. He wouldn’t get rough until the actual sex. H-he wanted me to respond. I tried not to, I did. It was humiliating having to watch that while he—” She shakes her head, pressing her lips together. “I hated what he was doing to me. I kept waiting for my body to shut down, like it does in the movies, you know? But it didn’t. It’s like it had the opposite effect. All my senses were heightened and my body . . . it didn’t seem to get the memo that I was being traumatized, because I was. . .” She shakes as a sob leaves her, and the horrifying realization washes over me just before she says it.
“I was wet.” Her eyes pinch shut. “One time I even came.”
Oh, God. My heart splinters into millions of spider-webbed fissures. She looks so disgusted with herself that my heart would break all over again if there was anything left.
“So it wasn’t rape. It couldn’t have been.” She tries to steel herself, but I’m not buying it, not for a second.
Lifting her chin, I lock eyes with her. I need her to believe every single word I’m about to say is heartfelt and done with total conviction. “You can’t control your body’s reactions to things. It’s not like you can turn off your nerve endings. If some guy came in here, tied me up, and started playing with my junk, I’d probably get hard. I sure as f*ck wouldn’t want to, but stimulation is stimulation, regardless of the circumstances. You can’t tell your body not to feel something that’s being done to it, so don’t for one second think that your response makes what that sick f*ck did to you all right. It doesn’t. It doesn’t justify shit. That motherf*cker took advantage of you.” The muscle along my jaw tenses as I brush her hair back. “Please tell me you put his ass in jail for what he did.”
Savannah drops her gaze. “He said no one would believe me. He said—” She chokes up as her faces twists into a heartbreaking expression. “He said that on some level I must’ve wanted it, since I got so wet.” She wipes her nose, inhaling a shaky breath. “He always wore a condom, anyway. All an exam would prove was that I had sex. With no visible signs of being forced and none of his DNA, they wouldn’t be able to pin anything on him. He said all it would prove was that I’m a slut.”
“You are not a slut.”
When she doesn’t acknowledge what I’ve said, I force her to look up at me once more. “You’re not. Don’t let him get into your head and make you think less of yourself for something that he did. You were just a kid, for f*ck’s sake.” Anger, disgust, and sadness well up inside me as I stare down at her beautiful tear-stained face. How could anybody hurt someone else like this?
Growing up, you’re told over and over that monsters aren’t real, but that’s bullshit. They’re real, they just don’t look like the snarling, fanged, horned versions we conjured up as kids. Real monsters are more insidious. Real monsters pass themselves off as neighbors, spouses, or even members of your church. It’s downright scary to think of what some people are capable of, and the more I think about what happened to Savannah, the more I need to break something.
She should’ve been protected from creeps like that. Someone should’ve been watching out for her. The system should not have failed her so spectacularly.
My hands clench into fists as I fight to keep from putting a hole through the wall. “So help me God if that piece of shit’s still walking around as a free man. . .”
She shakes her head and swallows. “He’s not. He died a few weeks after I moved out. Freak accident at some construction site he was working on. It was all over the news.” Sniffling, she wipes her nose. “I guess karma really is a bitch, huh?”
Her mouth twitches into a half-hearted smile, and it gives me hope. There’s the feisty girl I know and love.
Pulling her to me, I wrap my arms around her. She nuzzles my chest, sniffling as she says, “I don’t deserve you.”
“Nonsense.” I kiss the top of her head and wipe away the rest of her tears. “Let’s go home, okay?”
“Home?”
“Yeah, home. Our home. I hate to break it to you, but I’m not letting you get out of this that easily.” My hand cradles the side of her face as my thumb strokes her cheek. “Remember what I said? No matter how fast you run, I’ll always be right behind you.”