Disillusioned (Swept Away, #2)(25)

six


No one will ever say I should go to the Olympics. I’m not someone who could win a hundred-meter dash, but as soon as Jakob went into the bathroom, I jumped out of bed so quickly that I’d have given Usain Bolt a run for his money. I wedged my desk chair in front of the bathroom door, threw on some sweatpants, a shirt, and a jacket, grabbed my handbag and phone, and ran out the door. I didn’t want to leave. My body was still trembling in remembrance of the magic it had just experienced, but I was more confused than ever.

I didn’t trust myself around Jakob. He hadn’t told me anything new, yet I hadn’t been able to resist him. I was putty in his hands. For all I knew, this was part of his game. Maybe this was why he’d let me go. He wanted me to trust him. He wanted me to think that I had nothing to fear from him. Maybe he was conditioning me so that he could gain my trust and get what he was really after. The problem was, I didn’t know what he was really after and I was beginning to fall under his spell again; not that I was sure I’d ever left it. I needed to be stronger than this. This had to be the last mistake I made trusting him—and sleeping with him. I couldn’t afford to let my heart lead me anymore.

I ran out of the building and into the street, hurrying into a crowd of people. All of a sudden sadness crept into my soul. I didn’t feel as if I’d made the right move, but I knew staying wouldn’t have been right either. The grief inside me had become an empty void. My stomach growled, but I wasn’t hungry. I didn’t want to continue on this journey, but I felt like it was too late to turn back. I was being played and also trying to play my own games and I was so caught up that I didn’t know what way was right any more. My weakness for Jakob was only going to make everything more difficult. I’d started this journey by myself and I needed to rely on myself. That look in his eyes, in David’s—that wasn’t love, that wasn’t adoration. It was lust and desire. And lust and desire were cheap and commonplace emotions. If I was going to continue searching for the truth, I needed to be stronger, harder, more focused. And I needed to figure out exactly how far I was willing to go. I’d already crossed a line I’d never thought I’d cross when I’d calculatingly slept with Jakob. I needed to make sure that whatever decisions I made moving forward were going to be ones I could live with.

I pulled out my phone and called the only person I could. The only person who could advise me without having an agenda.

“Hey, Bianca,” Rosie answered on the second ring. “Where are you?”

“Walking down the street. Want to get a drink?”

“Oh, I would, but I still have my date tonight.”

“Oh, right.” I wanted to ask Rosie if her date was more like a booty call, but I didn’t want to be rude.

“I can cancel though, if you need me.”

“No, no, don’t cancel. When am I going to meet him?” I asked softly.

“Soon, I hope.” Rosie sighed. “We had a bit of an argument. I’m not sure it’s going to work out. We’re meeting late tonight to discuss the future of our relationship.”

“Oh no, why?”

“You know me, I have trust issues.” She sounded short. “He isn’t like most guys.”

“Oh?”

“Well, he’s rich and powerful and he doesn’t like to listen to women.” She paused. “Though of course he listens to me.”

“As he should.” He sounds like an * already.

“Where are you?” Rosie sounded confused. “Where have you been?”

“I’m taking a walk. I think I’ll go to the university library.”

“Oh, why?”

“Research.”

“On what? Did you speak to Larry Renee again?”

“No, I didn’t. He . . .” I paused.

“He what?” she asked, sounding very interested in my answer.

“He didn’t have much to say the first time we spoke.”

“Oh, that’s good.”

“That’s good?”

“I mean it’s good that there’s not more craziness going on. It’s good that you know all there is to know.”

“Yeah, but do I? What do I really know?” My voice rose as I crossed the street, dodging a yellow cab as I jaywalked. “Screw you too!” I shouted back at the driver.

“What’s going on, Bianca?” Rosie sounded anxious. “Are you sure you don’t want me to cancel? I totally wouldn’t mind.”

“Rosie, no, you can’t cancel. I won’t let you. Have your talk with your guy and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“I’m worried about you, Bianca. You haven’t been the same since your dad died.”

“That’s what happens when you lose a parent.”

“Yes, I suppose it is.” Rosie’s voice was a monotone. “I guess I don’t know what that’s like. I don’t remember my dad, and, well, my mom is still around.”

“It’s hard.” I sighed. “I wish now that I’d asked more questions. I wish I knew more about his past. I wish I’d tried to reach him on a deeper level instead of just accepting that he was depressed over my mother’s death.”

“I suppose he felt guilty.”