Desperately Seeking Epic(77)

“Oh yeah?” he questions, stepping toward me so I have to look up to meet his line of sight. “Did she tell you how she wants her funeral?”

I pinch my lips together. Neena told me once she wanted to be cremated. I hated that thought. I couldn’t imagine not having a place to visit her. Burning her remains seemed so final. I just . . . couldn’t talk about it. I ended up crying and she never brought it back up.

“No? And why is that? Because you lose your shit over everything. I took her to a concert tonight. She was more alive and happy than I’ve seen her in months. So screw you if you want to make me out to be a bad parent, but I’m not sorry I took her.”

“If you want to risk your own life doing dangerous shit, Paul, that’s on you.” I point a firm finger at him. “But not her. You do not take chances with her!”

He stands straight and shakes his head as if I’m the most ridiculous person he’s ever spoken with. “Clara,” his tone is filled with angered calmness. “She’s dying. I wanted her to live for a night. Really live. I didn’t put her on a motorcycle. I didn’t take her bungee jumping. I took my kid to a concert. Something any parent with a normal and healthy kid would do and not think twice about it.”

“You put her at risk!”

“And so what if I did! You ask her if she regrets it. Even now, with how shitty she feels, you ask her if she regrets going to that concert. You know what she’ll say?” he growls. “No. Because she did something that made her happy; that made her feel alive. Maybe you should try it sometime.”

“What does that mean?”

“You own a f*cking skydiving business and you’ve never even jumped. Thirteen years and you haven’t jumped once. Just because you don’t take chances because you’re always playing it safe doesn’t mean our daughter is that way. Neena knows how precious time is. She doesn’t want to lie in bed for all of her last days afraid to go out and do what she wants.” With that, he storms off down the hall.

Vanessa squeezes me. “He’s just upset.”

Now it’s Marcus’ turn to look up at me. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” I sniffle. “Where is she?”

Marcus takes me to her room. Neena looks so tiny in the big hospital bed. She’s got tubing in her nose for oxygen and an IV for fluids. She doesn’t wake as I sit on her bed and take her hand in mine.

“Mommy’s here, baby,” I whisper. “Mommy’s here.”





Our days are numbered with her. The doctor says when it’s time, we’ll know. We brought her home earlier today and got her comfortable. Clara and I have played nice for her sake, but I think she can tell. While we got Neena home and situated, Marcus and Mei-ling took Ally and Vanessa to the airport. The two were in a mess of tears when they left. For them . . . this will be the last time they see Neena.

When they approached Neena to say good-bye, they couldn’t hide their emotions. Vanessa leaned in and kissed her forehead. She whispered a prayer for Neena before she stood, wiping her face. Neena gave the best smile she could. My little girl . . . always trying to stay strong for everyone else. “I love you, stink.” Stink was short for stinker . . . a nickname she’d apparently given Neena years ago.

“I love you, too,” Neena told her.

“Neena,” Ally whispered as she took Neena’s hand. “You are in my heart, always.”

Neena took Ally’s hand and pressed the back of it against her cheek. “You’re in mine, too.”

When they finished with their good-byes, Clara walked them out. It was a harsh reality. No one wants to see a child die. The three mothers stood on the porch, hugging for a long time as they all cried.

We’ve been home a few hours and Clara is tucking Neena in while I put on the television for her.

“I want you to finish the story. I want to see it,” she whispers. Her exhaustion is more apparent than ever.

Clara’s eyes water and she inhales and lets it out softly. “We need to be here with you, Neena. That’s what we want.”

“Please finish it. Please.”

Clara looks to me, her once trembling lips now in a tight, flat line. I hate that we’re fighting, but I hate that she blames me for this even more. I just want Neena to be happy. Didn’t we agree to making her last days happy?

“We will, princess,” I volunteer. “I’ll call Ashley right now.”





When I explain to Ashley we’re running out of time if we want Neena to see this video, she needs to kick the interviews into high gear. No more small talk.

Ashley understands and the next time we meet she gets right to the point.

“Clara kissed you, when she brought you food after Sap passed away. Want to pick up from there?”



When I had kissed Clara for the first time, it really messed with my head. I liked kissing her. I liked kissing her way more than I cared to admit. That kiss made me imagine things . . . things that involved maybe staying put, settling down. But that was f*cking crazy. It was a kiss. One kiss. I went home that night and paced the floors, trying not to think about it. She was so soft. She smelled so good. She was getting to me. Fuck. That was it. I had to leave—at least for a little while to clear my head. So I packed a bag and booked a flight. I was gone.