Deception (Infidelity #3)(104)

THE VIBRATION OF Nox’s chest awakened me from my sleep. At first, I wasn’t sure what I was hearing or feeling. My senses were spent, overwhelmed by his mastery and sexual proclivity. I’d fallen into the beginning of my favorite comatose state when he began to stir. The darkness of our room and softness of our bed shielded me from what was happening until slowly the sadness that emanated from his every pore filled our space, wrapping me in his misery. His breathing became ragged as his chest tensed and body trembled.

“Nox?” I asked again.

“Go to sleep, princess.” He choked on the words.

I lifted my head. Unable to see clearly through the dark, I reached toward him. He captured my hand before it touched his cheek.

“Please let me touch you.”

Nox cleared his throat. “It’s my hard limit.”

“Touching you?” I asked, trying to understand.

“No…” His tone returned to the velvety rumble that I adored. “…something you said earlier today.”

I shook my head, my hand still captive in his grasp. I didn’t try to remove it, but relaxed as he held it in the dark. Then no longer captured, our fingers intertwined. “I don’t remember what I said. I said a lot of things.”

“You said that your mother wanted you to marry Spencer and have babies.”

I scoffed. “I think that plan’s been blown all to hell.”

“It’s not the Spencer part. I want to know how you feel about children.”

I sat taller and pulled the sheets over my breasts. All the while his grip of my hand stayed true, as if he couldn’t let me go, as if for once, I was his lifeline. “I don’t know… I think I’m too young.” I shrugged. “I guess my mom had me when she was about my age, but I want other things first.”

“But eventually?”

“I suppose,” I admitted.

Nox let go of my hand. “I don’t.”

His declaration sounded final as if debate wasn’t an option. Those two words drilled a small hole into my unspoken dreams. I’d never expended much energy on the subject, but I also didn’t think I could totally write it off. “I think this conversation is premature.”

He sat up now too, meeting me against the headboard, both of us staring into the darkness. “Jocelyn died because of me.”

My breath stilled, fearing that if I reacted in any way he wouldn’t continue talking.

“That letter was right,” he went on. “If it weren’t for me, she’d be alive. I killed her.”

I turned toward him. My eyes had adjusted to the darkness enough that I could make out his profile: his protruding brow and straight nose. I couldn’t see his high cheekbones, but I knew they were there. Even in the shadows I saw the movement, the way his chiseled jaw flexed as he clenched and contemplated his next words.

“Her family,” Nox went on, “has been suing me for years, a civil suit. It’s a matter of public record. My people have worked to bury it, but it’s there. I’m not sure why your stepfather or Edward Spencer thought it needed to come out, other than to show you the monster I am. But the letter was also wrong—I didn’t stop her parents from seeing her. They didn’t come. I know you hate your stepfather, and you should. But I’d never wish the separation Jo had with her family on anyone.”

His head bowed as his chin fell to his chest.

Through the darkness, I reached toward him, finding his large hand, the one that had been holding mine, and again laced our fingers together. “I don’t believe you’d hurt the person you loved. And I know you loved her. I’m okay with that. Nox, you wore your wedding ring until Del Mar. I don’t know what you think you did, but you didn’t kill her.”

“I did. Her blood was on my hands.”

I wasn’t sure where the bravery was coming from. I was lying naked, next to a man who was confessing murder, yet I refused to believe it. “You don’t mean literally.”

He turned toward me and lifted both of his hands, releasing mine. Holding them in the air, he said, “I. Mean. Literally.”

“Stop it. Now you’re the one trying to scare me and it won’t work.”

“I’m not trying to scare you. I’m trying to tell you the truth.”

I reached for his face. “What does this have to do with your hard limits? Security? Babies? Somehow they’re connected.”

“She was impulsive… liked to go here and there. I was gone a lot. My father had a terrible time when the markets crashed in ‘09. It was around the same time my mother had died. I’d recently gotten out of grad school and understood the financial climate better than he did. Things had changed since he started Demetri Enterprises. I worked nonstop and traveled, more than I do now. I knew Jocelyn didn’t like it but I just kept promising her that one day we’d have more time.”

Releasing his cheeks, I kissed one, and wrapped my arms around his chest with my head lying on his torso. I wanted to comfort him and be close. I wanted to support my strong boyfriend as he finally freed some of his shadows.

Nox sighed and returned his arm to my shoulders as his words vibrated from his chest. “Deloris began working for Jocelyn and me. She understood that some of the deals Oren had made could come back on us. I told Jo constantly to be careful, to keep me informed. Sometimes I think she’d upset me so that I’d notice her. It was this sick dance we did.