Dead Drop (The Guild #2)(108)
“That was, um, a friend,” I told him lamely. “I just…”
I had no idea what to do next. The prospect of just picking myself up, dusting myself off, and continuing with my life seemed utterly impossible. And cruel.
“You’re in shock, ātaahua,” Kai murmured, his hand still rubbing my back. “Let me help you.”
Numb. That’s what I was. Fucking numb. Maybe Kai was right… Was this shock? I’d experienced physical shock before, like the first time I got shot or the time I nearly drowned while learning breath control. But this was different. This hurt so much more.
Dimly I registered that Kai was helping me to my feet and stripping me out of my weapons, changing me into soft sleep clothes, then tucking me into bed. It wasn’t even noon, but as soon as I was horizontal, it seemed like my lids were weighted down with lead.
Was this what emotional shock felt like? I hated it. I never wanted to feel this way again.
46
When I woke, my head felt like it was stuffed full of fluff. Not the soft type, either, but the scratchy polyester shit that they put in cheap plush toys. It made me itchy and confused as I cracked my aching eyes open.
I was in bed. Alone. But… not alone. It took me a moment to figure out why I felt like someone else was in the room, and I relaxed when I spotted Leon. He was sprawled out on the floor beside the bed, his laptop open in front of him with lines of code flickering across it at high speed. Like he’d set a decode working before falling asleep.
He didn’t look comfortable, his brow tight even as he slept, and I reached out a heavy, fuzzy hand to stroke his cheek.
His eyes snapped open, locking on mine, then the tension melted away from his brow. His gaze held all the questions that both of us were too broken, too damaged to communicate verbally. I just gave a slow blink, then wiggled over to make space for him in the bed as he climbed to his feet.
He slid under the covers, shuffling down until his head rested on my pillow, then wrapped an arm around me as I snuggled into his side. We might both be the product of violence and greed, but he made me feel so safe. Like I wasn’t really alone anymore.
I had no clue how long we slept together like that, cuddled up like emotionally supportive lovers, but when I eventually woke again, he was gone and my bed was cold. The absence of distraction meant that I wasn’t quick enough to get my walls back up. The sharp sting of loss hit me like a knife before I even sat up.
But the world didn’t stop turning just because I was hurting. Jude had been killed for a reason, and I’d be damned if I let them get away with it. So I dragged my heavy limbs out of bed and bullied myself into the shower.
The hot water calmed me somewhat, making that itchy fuzz in my brain feel less dense. I dressed comfortably, having no intentions to leave the house until those thumb drives were decoded. But shit, what did Leon say? It could take weeks without his equipment. Weeks.
Raking my fingers through my wet hair, I started padding my way downstairs on bare feet. Logically, I understood that Leon—or Kai—couldn’t just stay in bed with me indefinitely. People were still trying to kill us. But after all my musings and realizations on how utterly lonely I’d been for my whole life, I wanted to be near them. I wanted to sit in Kai’s lap while I drank coffee, feeling his stoic, steady strength and calming energy. I wanted Leon to drape his arms around me, holding me to his chest in that way that made me feel like his whole universe.
But my steps faltered as I approached the kitchen and their voices reached my ears.
They weren’t yelling—no doubt trying not to wake me—but there was no mistaking the heat of hatred in their words. They were arguing about something… I couldn’t catch every word, but I heard enough. Layla’s name was tossed around, along with mine. As I crept closer, I heard scathing vitriol about the Guild from Kai, and cutting remarks about how brainwashed we must be to do the things we did. Leon was no better, hurling back insults about Kai’s less than good intentions in taking down Remus. According to him, Kai was more obsessed with wiping out the next generation of mercenaries than helping those children.
“…wonder what DeLuna would say if she found out…” Leon’s voice dipped too low to hear and my fingernails cut into my palms “…maybe she’d finish you off herself.”
I swallowed. What was Kai hiding from me?
“…so fucking confident,” Kai was snapping back, taking Leon’s bait. Depending how long they’d been going at it, they were probably baiting and hooking each other. “You can’t handle knowing you might not win, can you? She’s in love with me and that kills you… … … never gonna win, just give up.”
Leon barked a cruel laugh at that. “You need that thick head examined, Malachi. I’ve already won. I won the second she realized that you murdered Layla. The fact you’re still alive right now? Foreplay.”
Kai’s response was furious and threatening, but I couldn’t make out the words. It seemed like maybe they’d moved further away from my hiding place and a wall was muffling the articulation.
The most cutting part of their argument was the way they both used my name—used me—as a weapon. To listen to either one of them, I was little more than a prize to be won. A possession. Goddamn, it hurt. Every word between them cut me like a blade, and after a few minutes, I felt like I might bleed out. All my cozy images of some crazy domestic bliss went out the window, no longer worth taking up space in my brain only to disappoint me further.