Carnage: Book #1 The Story Of Us (Volume 1)(9)

The boys were having a run through of their set when I realised I was cold, the hall at the back of the pub was big and the heating hadn’t been put on yet so I went to go back outside to get my jacket, as I walked down the hallway toward the emergency exit at the back of the building where the van was parked, I saw them, Lennon and my best friend Jamie. Kissing like their lives depended on it. I stood and watched for a few seconds, my best friend and my brother and neither of them thought to tell me about it. What about Marley, did he know, is that why they had kept it quiet? This could cause so much trouble between the boys and I wished that I didn’t know about it. I watched as they broke apart but still stared into each other’s eyes, I knew that look, it’s how Sean and I looked at each other, this was more than just a kiss, this was love and I was thoroughly pissed off with the pair of them. As they turned to walk back inside, I walked toward them looking at the ground as if I had seen nothing. Lennon held the door open for me.

“Porge, where you off to?”

“Don’t call me that. I want my jacket out of the van. Is it open?”

He threw me the keys as he and Jimmie walked back inside, she didn’t look me in the eye as she passed and it hurt a little that my best friend had kept this secret from me. She knew everything about me, every look, every thought, every feeling, why wouldn’t she share this with me? He’s my brother. Did she not think I would be interested?

I grab my coat, head back inside and look around for Len, he appears through the swing doors leading from the front of the pub, carrying a tray full of drinks; he put them down on the table next to me and shouted for the boys to come down from the stage. Jim appeared at my side, then Sean, Lennon passed out beers to the boys and gave me and Jimmie a bottle of cider each.

“Here’s to Carnage! A great gig, a very merry Christmas and great things for the coming year – 1983 boys, it’s gonna be our year, I can just feel it. Cheers.”

There were kisses and hugs all round; Jimmie felt stiff and informal when she pulled me into her and I felt awkward. Sean wrapped his arms around me and kissed me like he was never going to let me go.

“Merry Christmas G. Stay close to Lennon tonight, it’s gonna get busy in here and don’t drink too much.”

He kisses my nose and looks over my face. “You okay?”

Tears sting the backs of my eyes for some reason and I feel angry with myself for getting upset so I just nod my head.

“What’s wrong? You look upset.” I shake my head and smile up at him.

“I’m just so proud of you; you sound so great up there, especially the new stuff. 1983 really could be your year you know? Will you still love me when you’re famous and your pictures are all over ‘The Face’ and ‘Smash Hits’?”

He pulls me into him tightly.

“I’ll love you forever G, wherever I am in the world, whatever I’m doing, it will always be you, I’m yours, for as long as you want me, for as long as I’m good for you, I’m all yours.”

“What does that mean? For as long as you’re good for me? What does that mean?”

There’s a hysterical edge to my voice and I hate it. Why would he say that? He looks around the room before looking back down at me.

“I just worry sometimes, I think your Mum and Dad and even your brothers would prefer it if you was with someone who wanted a proper job, who had something more solid planned for when they leave school; music is all I want G, music and you and sometimes I worry that that’s not enough.”

A tear rolls down my cheek, I never knew he felt like this, of course he’s enough, he’s everything.