Calmly, Carefully, Completely(54)

I shake my head. “What if he’s right? What if Chase is the one for me? I won’t know until I find out.” I heave a sigh.

“The heart wants what the heart wants, Reagan,” she says.

I laugh, but there’s no humor in the sound. “What does that mean, exactly?”

“I think you already know what it means.” She sits on the edge of my bed. “This Pete,” she says. “You trust him, right?”

“About as much as I can trust anyone I met three days ago,” I say flippantly. But Pete’s more than that, and I know it.

“Your heart has known him for a very long time,” she says.

“My heart doesn’t work like everyone else’s heart,” I bite out. “I can’t trust it to lead me anywhere.”

“Oh, Reagan,” she breathes softly. “I f*cking hate that man for doing this to you. It’s been over two years and you still don’t trust yourself to move on with your life. It’s like you’re stuck in that moment when he hurt you.”

“You don’t know what it feels like, Mom,” I say quietly in warning. She can’t talk about this. She hasn’t experienced it.

“Did you know that one in five college-age girls will be raped during her college career?” she asks. “One in five, Reagan!” she cries.

“And?” I say. “Life goes on, is that what you’re saying?” I ask. My life didn’t go on. I got stuck in that moment. Until Pete. “Pete makes me want things that scare me,” I admit.

“That’s what love is about, Reagan. It’s thrilling and scary as hell and it makes your heart pound and it makes your insides ache.” She stops and glares at me. “Those feelings are normal. What’s not normal is what happened to you and how you closed yourself off to protect your heart.”

“Well, my heart is officially in danger,” I say drolly.

“So is his,” she reminds me.

Not once in all of this have I stopped to consider Pete’s feelings about our burgeoning relationship. I’ve considered my fears. I’ve considered my feelings. I’ve considered my needs and wants. But I haven’t really considered his. What if he hasn’t kissed me because he’s afraid I’ll damage him? What if he doesn’t want me the same way? What if he does want me but he’s afraid to touch me because I’ll go crazy on him? What if? What if? What if? “Pete’s heart is good and kind,” I say. “That’s all I know about it.”

She smiles. “That’s a start.”

My dad yells for me from the bottom of the steps. “Reagan!” he calls. “Chase is here!”

Mom stands up. “Trust your heart, Reagan,” she says. She kisses me on the forehead and walks down in front of me. At the bottom of the stairs, I see Chase looking up at me. His green eyes aren’t the ones I want to see, but I need to try, right? I need to give this a shot.

“Hi, Chase,” I chirp.

“Reagan,” he says. He’s all smiles. He swivels his hips. “You ready for some dancing?”

“Of course,” I say with a smile. “Sounds like fun.”

I take his arm as we walk out. He opens the door of his obnoxious yellow car, and I slide inside. His gaze roams up my thigh where my dress shifts, and I pull it down. He grins and closes the door. Then he slides into the driver’s seat and peels out of the driveway, slinging rocks in our wake.





Pete



I glance at my watch again and look toward the driveway. Reagan still isn’t home and it has been four hours. That’s plenty of time for dinner and dancing, isn’t it? Why isn’t she home yet?