Calmly, Carefully, Completely(23)

Sam was with me when I got caught unloading that truck. We both were there. We took some odd jobs from a man in our neighborhood. Yeah, it was illegal, and yeah, I got caught. But Sam was with me when it went down. I told him to run. I got caught. I went to jail. And Sam didn’t. Sam’s playing football and living the life I wanted. “I’m not bitter at all,” I grind out. It’s not Sam’s fault that I was also carrying a backpack full of drugs. I got busted for possession with the intent to sell. I’m going to be a felon for the rest of my life.

Phil nods. The quiet is suddenly oppressive. Not at all like it was when Reagan was out here. “Matt’s the one who was sick?” he asks.

I don’t like to talk about Matt. He almost died, and it took money to get him into a chemical trial. The trial saved his life, at least for now. He may need more treatment. That’s why I was working with Bone, the man who owned the goods I was unloading. He’s also the man who gave me the drugs to sell. He’s the reason I’m here. Well, I’m the reason I’m here. But still. “Yeah, Matt was sick.”

“How’s he doing now?”

Matt writes to me every week. He tells me all the stories about my brothers and Emily, and he says he’s all right. But I have no way of knowing if it was all sunshine and rainbows when I was gone. When I got home last night, things were fine. And Sam was away at college. “Better,” I say.

“And the rest of them?”

“Fine.” I take a deep breath because he’s looking at me like he’s waiting for me to tell him my life story. “Logan’s getting married.” A grin tugs at my lips. “I f*cking love his fiancée. She’s pretty damn cool. Her name is Emily, and she plays the guitar. She’s good for him.”

“Their lives went on without you,” he says. He doesn’t look at me or change his expression.

“Were they supposed to wait for me to get out before living their lives?” I ask, and I know my tone is caustic, but I can’t help it.

“Were they?”

I snort. “I love them too much to ask them to do anything like that.” I swallow past the lump in my throat.

“How about Sam?” he asks, his voice soft.

Just his name makes my gut twist. He’s the other half of me. We’ve been together since we were born. We shared a room right up until I got arrested. Losing him was like losing a part of myself. “I haven’t seen Sam since the sentencing hearing,” I say quietly.

“He was there for it?”

I nod. He was there for everything. But I refused to talk to him. I refused to answer his letters, until he finally stopped writing them. I refused to see him when he came to visit, until he stopped coming.

“Why are you mad at him?” He makes a tsk, tsk, tsk sound with his mouth. “You are bitter about being the only one arrested.”

I shake my head. “No, I’m not.”

“Then what is it?”

I’ve never said it out loud. “I’m f*cking jealous, all right?” I snarl. He raises an eyebrow at me, but he doesn’t shrink away. I heave a sigh and force myself to unclench my fists. “He didn’t get caught.” I punch myself in the chest with my fist. “I f*cking got caught. Stupid, stupid, stupid,” I mutter to myself.

“Did he know you were dealing?” he asks.

I shake my head. No one knew. I’d just picked up the bag that night. Hadn’t even made a sale yet. I’d just about convinced myself to return it to Bone and then we got busted.

“Why’d you do it?”