Caged (Mastered, #4)(87)
“Sounds like it was more important for him to support you, which surprises the hell out of me, to be honest.” He paused. His watchful gaze gave nothing away. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you don’t have the right to intrude on his grief any more than he did on yours.”
Her tears fell, and she snatched a tissue from Amery’s desk. “Maybe the timing wasn’t right when we were in Nebraska. But we’ve been back in Denver for two weeks. We’ve spent more time together than apart. We’ve become intimate on levels I wasn’t aware existed. The way we are together . . . I’ve never given over everything of myself to a man—or to anyone—like I have with him.”
“And Deacon keeping his past sorrow from you takes something away from that?” Ronin asked gently.
“Yes. I realize he didn’t hold a gun to my head and order me to spill my guts. I freely chose to share everything about myself and my past with him. Did I bare all because I expected him to do the same? I don’t know. I guess I’d hoped it’d encourage him to open up to me. Because that’s how I thought relationships worked.”
“You’re not wrong. That is the norm for most people.”
“But not for Deacon.”
“Not for me either.”
Molly glanced up, surprised by the regret in Ronin’s tone.
“Most people search for that special connection with someone. Guys like me and Deacon? We avoid it. Then closing down becomes such a part of who we are that we don’t even realize we’re doing it.” His hand formed a fist on the desk. “It’s incredibly hard to let go of that mind-set. And when we f*ck up a good thing—which we inevitably do—it’s because we don’t have the emotional skill set to understand it or fix it. We’ve never needed it.
“That said, Deacon should’ve talked to you about the incident in his past that defined him. He knows that. Right now he’s in an internal beat down a million times worse than any fighter he’ll ever face in the ring.” A faraway look entered Ronin’s eyes. “I did the same damn thing with Amery. I should’ve told her up front about my family connection. We, too, had reached a level in our relationship neither of us expected. She felt betrayed—as she should have. I had to see the person I cared more about than life itself look at me like I was a complete stranger.”
“I feel like that’s what he is. And maybe it makes me self-centered to internalize this, but it hurts that he didn’t tell me. It really hurts that I’m not special enough to him to know about his past. I’m just like everyone else—in the dark.” Her voice caught. “And because I was so pissed off, I walked away. But as much as I hurt, I know he’s hurting worse. How many years has Deacon had to deal with all of this alone? He doesn’t open himself up to anyone, and that breaks my heart.” More tears seeped out. “I haven’t heard from him at all since this went down.” And after all she’d just said, it’d be contradictory to admit that she’d expected Deacon to come after her. Like he had when she missed class. Like he had when she went to Nebraska. She’d gone to bed the night she’d left the restaurant absolutely heartsick, but she’d believed—wanted?—hoped?—that he’d bully his way into her house and try to make things right between them.
He didn’t, and he won’t. When are you going to learn?
“I believe given a few more weeks, he would’ve opened up to you. As far as him storming in here, Amery warned him if he showed his face she’d call the cops. And Deacon knows she doesn’t bluff.”
Her head snapped up. “Amery threatened him? Did you tell her . . . ?”
“No. She doesn’t know anything about his past and nothing about what happened between you two, just that he f*cked something up big-time and you’re a mess.” Ronin leaned forward. “That’s all she needed to know to rally behind you, girl.”
“See?” She sniffled. “I’ve got all these great friends who stand up for me and I can’t talk to any of them about this. They don’t understand why I won’t tell them what happened.”
“It’s hard, but I admire your loyalty to Deacon.”
That brought up something she hadn’t considered. “Is he worried that in a fit of anger I’ll blab his most closely guarded secret to my friends?”
“Lots of women would have.” He leaned forward. “Deacon put his rage about the situation into play the next morning by beating the hell out of Micah Courey.”
“What?” she said with gasp.
“Deacon nearly sent him to the hospital.” Ronin’s eyes gleamed. “It was f*cking beautiful to watch. Ever since he came back from Nebraska, he’s not been training at the level he needs to be. So when he faced Courey in full-fight mode? It was like a switch flipped inside him. Every aspect of Deacon’s training throughout the last five years coalesced. He was a fighting machine. I swear Maddox was so proud he even shed a tear or two. Needham is toast. It’ll be a huge win for him and Black Arts since now he’ll be able to retain that focus.”
Realization slammed into her. Even their fledgling relationship had been a distraction to Con Man’s career. Maddox had understood that and tried to derail this very thing months ago, when he’d enlisted Ronin’s help to keep Molly and Deacon apart. But this time Deacon’s stubbornness had won out—he wanted her, everything and everyone else be damned. Including his fight career? He’d blown off a full training session to spend time with her on Sunday. And their vigorous, frequent sex had to take a toll on him physically by sapping his extra energy.