Bury Me(25)

Swallow the water, breathe it in, close your eyes and just slip away. It will only hurt for a moment, and then you’ll be free.

Don’t you want to be free from the pain? Free from the evil that lurks inside your head and follows you everywhere you go?

They don’t want to save me; they just want me to disappear.

I’ll show them what it’s like to lose it all; I’ll make them regret it.

Let yourself sink to the bottom? let them see what happens when they close their eyes and ignore the pain they caused.

Breathe it in, swallow the water, let your lungs fill until they burst, and show them.

Show them what happens when you try to hide secrets.

Show them that death is the only way to escape the pain of what they’ve done.

They brought this on themselves. Their hope, their future, their secrets…sinking to the bottom of the lake, dying right in front of their eyes…

Stop fighting.

Just let go.

It will all be over soon.

With a loud gasp, my eyes fly open, and I stumble backward, my head whipping around frantically as I stare at my surroundings. Digging the heels of my palms into my eyes, I rub the sleep from them before looking around once more. There’s nothing but darkness around me, aside from the bright full moon reflecting off the surface of the lake.

Why am I at the lake in the middle of the night?

Staring down the front of my body, I see that I’m still wearing the pink cotton nightgown I put on before bed. My bare feet stand on the rickety wood at the end of the dock and they’re wet, covered in dew and damp blades of grass from walking across the property to get here, and I realize I must have been sleepwalking. The humidity in the air covers my skin in a thin sheen of sweat and as I stare out at the moonlit lake, the cool water calls to me. The quiet peacefulness of the night, filled only with the sounds of chirping crickets and croaking bullfrogs, distracts me from the scary thought that I wandered down here alone in the middle of the night while I slept.

What if I’d fallen in? What if I’d jumped in? I’m out here alone, in the middle of the night, and my parents would never know I was down here because they assume I’m asleep in my bed, safe and tucked in where I’m supposed to be. They wouldn’t hear me scream from this far away and they wouldn’t be able to save me. I think about my dream, a memory of the accident I’ve been told about that happened when I was little and the cause for me being afraid of water and never learning how to swim. My heated body suddenly gets a chill and I wrap my arms around myself. Maybe they were right. Maybe they didn’t lie to me about this one thing. Looking out at the dark water, I can see myself sinking under, my eyes wide with panic as the water covers my mouth and my nose, but I don’t feel afraid. In my dream it felt like I was outside of my body, looking down at myself, urging that little girl to let the water take her. I feel excitement coursing through me as I picture that day and see myself disappear beneath the water. Happiness overwhelms me knowing it will all be over soon and the pain will finally stop.

I stare out at the rippling water as fish move beneath the surface. The light from the moon slowly begins to disappear as a cloud moves in front of it. I’m still groggy from sleep and on edge knowing I walked down here alone in the middle of the night without remembering doing it, but I still have an unnatural urge to jump into the water. I want to know without a shadow of a doubt which of my memories is real. I immediately shake the thought from my mind. Even half asleep, I’m still not stupid enough to do something so foolish. I will not put my life at risk just to test out a theory to prove I’m right, no matter how much I want to.

Lifting my foot to take a step back from the edge of the dock, something hard suddenly slams into my back with enough force to make me lose my balance. I don’t have time to scream; I don’t have time to turn my head. I can do nothing but windmill my arms through the air as I pitch forward into nothingness. I gasp in fear and shock when my body hits the cool water, swallowing a mouthful as I go under. I’m immediately swallowed by darkness as I sink to the bottom like a rock. I open my mouth to scream and more water flows inside, into my lungs and up my nose. I forget everything but the dream and the need to let go and allow the darkness to take me. I forget to fight; I forget to move my arms and legs, and I forget the pain. There’s no pain down here at the bottom of the lake. There’s no confusion, no lying, no secrets…nothing but silence and freedom from everything that hurts.

“Bad girls get what they deserve. It’s time for you to let go and accept what you are. There’s no saving you, and there never will be.”