Burned(37)

I’m standing in front of a speaker that’s roughly the size of a coffee table, wondering about boys and their need to blast music so loud the windows rattle as they work out, when I hear the door on the other side of the room squeak open. I look up at the mirror in front of me and, just like the other day, my eyes meet Collin’s in the reflection. His eyes widen in surprise when he sees me and I catch a faint glimpse of appreciation in his eyes as they roam over my legs before it’s hidden behind a mask of irritation.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
He stops short in the doorway, stubbornly refusing to come any closer, and his voice thunders across the room. I try not to cringe at the venom in it as I slowly turn around to face him.
“You haven’t returned any of my calls.”
My voice comes out raspy and shaky and I silently will my nerves to go the f*ck away as I clear my throat.
“I’m pretty sure we have nothing to say to each other. Feel free to let yourself out,” he tells me as he turns to leave.
My determination begins to wilt under his quick dismissal. Maybe this wasn’t meant to be. Maybe he’s decided the baggage that comes along with me is more than he’s willing to take on. Maybe…
No. To hell with maybe. I’ve spent seventeen years building a life on f*cking maybes.
As I stand there watching him walk away from me, I huff out the breath I’m holding and remember who the hell I am. I’m not this woman any more, this woman who sits in silence and lets life happen all around her. I’ve spent years keeping my feelings inside and not standing up for myself. I’m not about to take ten steps back when I finally feel like I’m right where I’m supposed to be.
“So, you’re just going to walk away like a coward?” I shout to his retreating back.
I watch as his footsteps falter and the muscles in his shoulders tighten. I hit a nerve by calling him a coward and I know it. A man who races into burning buildings on a daily basis is anything but a coward. Even back in high school Collin was courageous and strong, always the first to fight for what he believed in, and the years apart haven’t changed that. If anything, following his dreams and doing what he was always meant to do only amplified the characteristics he was born with. He’s a proud man who knows exactly who he is. There is no way he’s going to walk out that door without trying to prove me wrong.
He slowly turns around and stares at me. “You’re calling ME a coward? That’s rich coming from you.”
His voice is low but filled with enough heated anger to burn this place to the ground.
I take a deep breath and place my hands on my hips, standing tall and swallowing all my pride.
“I’m sorry about what happened last week. It was a complicated situation and I needed to handle it how I saw fit. I’m sorry if that hurt you or you felt like I was pushing you away.”
He laughs cynically and crosses his arms across his broad chest. “You don’t know a damn thing about me, sweetheart, OR what I’m feeling.”
“That’s just it! I DON’T know anything about you!” I fire back. “What was I supposed to do? Just take a chance on something when I have no idea what’s going on in your head?”
He takes a few steps in my direction and stops again. “Don’t make this out to be more than it is. You got what you wanted: the perfect payback for your loving husband. Now you can go back to living in your perfect little home with your perfect little life and you can push me out of your mind like you have for seventeen years.”
I don’t let his words upset me, mostly because I can see the hurt written all over his face. Collin wanted me to pick him. He wanted me to throw Jordan out and choose him. He has no idea how much I wanted to do just that—or how much I regret allowing fear to hold me back.