Brutally Beautiful(61)

Thrumming softly into my ears, the raspy vocals and music of Simple Kind of Man by Shinedown, held back the phantasms of my horrors, and showed me only my bitter longing to listen to the cadence of Lainey’s soft calm voice and taste the sweetness of her soft pink lips. No matter how badly it was going to hurt, I didn’t want to be anywhere but with Lainey. Let her crush me. Let her destroy me. There wasn’t much good left of me, but I wanted her to take every last bit.

In those green eyes, yelling at me, holding up that metaphorical mirror that showed me some of my actions against her, I knew I’d come undone. And she was f*cking right; I couldn’t do this anymore. I didn’t want to. I knew the true impact of my trauma was me just shutting myself down, quitting life. I stayed up all night, thinking and rethinking if I should ever see her again. Questioning if I could be capable of some sort of normal to offer her. ‘Redefine normal’ was what she told me, such innocent, brilliant words. I stayed up throughout the entire next day and watched the sun sluggishly pass through the sky, as if it was toying with me and wasting and playing with my time.

Just to torment myself, when the sun finally set, I went to Dylan’s bar.

One of the guys from the trailer park was giving himself an impromptu bachelor party, bringing along a rowdy crowd of cave dwellers that had my panic set to high alert.

I wanted to haul Lainey over my shoulder and carry her out of the crowd. The whole time I was watching her as I stood by the entrance, talking myself into going in, she didn’t smile at all.

Not even once.

I clenched my jaw and stalked toward Dylan’s office, slamming the door behind me, which caused Bree to fall flat on her ass, right off the desk where she was playing a full contact game of tonsil hockey with my brother. “Coitus Interruptus!” I screamed. “Stop and put your hands where I can see them.”

Bree stumbled awkwardly to her feet and walked out giggling. “Hello to you too, Kade. Coitus Interruptus, that’s hysterical.”

Without a thought, I started wearing a hole into my brother’s rug, as he stood there, hands on hips, waiting for me to talk. I felt like a cloud of smoke, just billowing into nothing. My lungs felt like they were tightening and drying out, and I couldn’t inhale enough air. My throat was tight and dry when I finally spit out the words, “I want her.”

“She’s sort of crazy about me, mate. And personally, I don’t think you’d ever stand a chance with your flagrantly charming demeanor,” he chuckled.

“I want Lainey, you dolt.” He was just ridiculous thinking I could want the blonde perky one. She was…well, perky.

“Kade, mate. I think the girl has been through enough hell, okay? Don’t drag her through yours,” Dylan replied.

“I can’t stay away from her,” I growled, raking my hand across my forehead and back through my hair.

He looked me dead in the eyes, “Try a bit harder, Kade. It’s what you’re best at.”

I covered my face with my hands and then ripped them violently through my hair again. “I don’t want to be best at that. I’m sorry, Dylan. I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever put you through.”

“What about someone like Natalie?” He asked.

Jerking my head back, I gagged in his direction, almost literally vomiting on him. “She’s f*ckable, not datable. There’s a huge difference. I’m tired of f*cking women that I have to hide who I really am and what horror lives inside me. I want someone to know me, just f*cking understand me, and God…Dylan, I can swear when she looks at me, I think maybe…I don’t know, that maybe she does. The only thing I know right now, is that when she’s near me, I don’t think of the blood that’s been spilled in a classroom, but the rush of pulse from the flush of her cheeks when I look at her.”