Broken(27)

Jocelyn blamed herself for what they’d done to her. Had she listened to her roommate it may not have come to that. She shouldn’t have taken that drink. If she would have walked out the door when she’d seen some party-goers doing coke and looked for a payphone instead of sticking and talking to that animal, none of it would have happened. She’d been stupid and for that she carried this secret shame.

“They hurt you?”

She could only nod.

Her father held her tight. “Jossy. If only I had known,” his voice trailed off to a whisper. When she raised her head to see the unmasked pain etched in every line of his face, she cried for him this time. What he must have gone through because of her was something she could never take back and it hurt more than mere words could express.

In all of her years, Jack Winters had been the strong, solid foundation in her life and to see this big burly man with tears in his eyes was her undoing. They clung to each other as tears streamed down their faces. Jocelyn’s sobs were loud and soul cleansing while his anguish was expressed with silent shoulder-shaking cries. The tears weren’t just for what happened to her, but for those years lost, the distance between them and the guilt they both bared that could have been prevented if they’d both opened up.

“I should have been there for you, Jossy. I should have been there to protect my little girl.” The raw anguish in his voice was cutting—one of the very reasons she’d never returned to the Devlin Ranch. It was bad enough to go through this herself, but she hadn’t wanted to make her father feel this way.

“It wasn’t your fault, Daddy. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to blame yourself and I was…I was afraid.”

“Why, baby?”

“I thought you might blame me like I’ve blamed myself. I had no business at that party, but I so desperately wanted to fit in with that particular group. They seemed so much cooler and sophisticated than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s not always easy being the token Asian girl. I know it sounds silly but sometimes I feel like I have to work harder to make friends. And now that I really think about it, I can’t figure out for the life of me why I cared about what those people thought about me.”

He cupped her face in his hands. “I never knew you felt that way. I mean when I married Mei, there were some small-minded people in town, and I’ve always done my best to shield you from it.”

“Everyone on the ranch was great and never made me feel as if I didn’t belong. But sometimes the kids at school would make comments.”

“Like what?”

“Half breed. Stuff like that, but your love gave me the confidence to ignore the taunts.”

Jack snorted. “But obviously it wasn’t enough if you felt you had to work hard to make friends.”

“Dad, your love was more than enough. But even it can’t shield me from the ignorance in the world. You’re a wonderful parent and I don’t want you to blame yourself for any of this. I guess in my own longwinded way, what I’m trying to say is, after being surrounded by my loved ones on the ranch, I felt out of my element in Dallas. And I wanted to make you all proud of me, which is why I tried to fit in. Fitting in meant making those big-name contacts I thought were important to me at the time.”

“But it wasn’t worth it, was it?” He bit the words out with barely concealed anger. It practically radiated from him. She wasn’t surprised that it had taken a few minutes before what she’d told him sank in. It was one of the reasons he was so respected around the ranch, and why so many people came to him for advice. Her father was slow to anger but when it was finally roused, woe betide the cause of his ire.