Blind Kiss(17)

Having Gavin around more wasn’t going to be easy on my family for obvious reasons. I never lied to my husband or cheated on him, but he was jealous of what Gavin and I had. And Milo didn’t understand it either. Selfishly, I was happy Gavin would be down the street from me, but I could already feel the strain it would put on my family.

I rubbed my hand over his forearm and noticed a new tattoo right next to the figure of a dancer and the words Pretty Girls Make Graves. He never admitted it to me before, but I knew that particular tattoo was one of several he had gotten in reference to our relationship. The new tattoo was of a feather with an arrow through it, and it was still scabbing, like he’d gotten it a day or two ago.

“What’s this about?” I asked as I rubbed my thumb over it.

“Nothing. I don’t know. My dad likes archery.” He closed his eyes. “I just wanted to hurt yesterday. More than I was hurting already.”

“Did it work? Did you hurt more?”

“No. Nothing has ever hurt more.”

“Then why do you keep getting them?” I asked.

“I guess I’m not as much of a quitter as you think.”

“I never thought you were a quitter.”

“You don’t like my tattoos but half of them are about you.” Confrontational Gavin pulled no punches. He spoke the truth.

“You’ve never told me that before.”

“Did I have to?” He was choked up again. He took another deep, loud breath and released it like he was trying to blow pain out from the inside of his chest.

“You’re not alone. You’ll always have me.”

“You have your own family,” he said, his voice low and shaky.

It pained me to see him like this. “You’re my best friend. You’re my family, too.”

He sat up and tried to collect himself. “Penny, why isn’t your husband your best friend? Answer me that. I need to know.”

He asked me this often, yet he referred to me as his best friend to everyone, including his girlfriend of three years. He had been calling me his best friend since the day we met. But he was angry and raising his voice at me, calling me out. “And why don’t you have female friends, besides Ling? Why don’t you hang out with your sister more? She lives right here in town.”

“Come here.” I put my legs over his lap and held him to my chest again. “Because I love you, and I’m allowed to love you.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Be quiet.”

A few minutes later, his breathing slowed and he fell asleep on my chest. After five minutes, I shimmied out from underneath him, got up, and covered him with a blanket. He was exhausted.

There’s no way to explain to people what Gavin and I meant to each other. It was socially unacceptable for a woman to share that kind of intimacy with a man after she’d been married for fourteen years to someone else, even if it wasn’t sexual. Your husband is supposed to be your everything: your lover, your best friend, your financial partner, your confidant. I never understood that. How can you put all of that on one person? My relationship with Gavin had nothing to do with a single role my husband personally couldn’t fulfill. Or an emptiness in our marriage. My relationship with Gavin was rooted in love. Maybe a kind of love people would never understand.

After tinkering around for a couple of hours, I left the house at two fifteen to pick up Milo, and when we returned, Gavin was gone. I tried calling him but he didn’t answer.

Two hours later he sent me a text: my bow.


Gavin: I love you, too.





7. Fourteen Years Ago


PENNY

Gavin took his flannel off, tied it around his waist, and popped the hood of my car. He was leaning over it, inspecting the engine parts.

“Lance said I might have flooded the engine.”

Still bent, he turned his head to look at me. There was humor in his expression. “Who’s Lance?”

“A microbiology major my dad introduced me to.”

“A microbiologist said you have a flooded engine?”

“Well, he’s a student, but yes.”

“Sounds like a genius. Can I see your keys?”

When I handed them over, he walked toward the driver’s side to open the door.

“I have a bunch of dance stuff in there. It probably smells bad.”

He looked back at me and smirked. His long legs barely fit in my tiny car. He turned the engine over once and there was nothing.

“It’s your battery. I have jumper cables in my car. Do you want to walk over to the other parking lot with me, and we’ll drive my car back?”

My feet were killing me at the moment. “Do you mind if I just wait here?”

“Actually, I do mind.” He looked down at my slippered feet. “I’m not leaving you alone in a dark parking lot. Come on, I’ll give you a piggyback ride.”

Was he crazy? He bent in front of me. “Jump on.”

Yes, he was crazy. When I jumped on his back, he popped me up higher like I was as light as a feather. “Thank you for doing this. Do you want my Java Hut gift cards or something?”

“I was hoping you’d let me take you out this weekend.”

I tensed up. “Gavin—”