Beyond What is Given(66)

Her eyes fell away. She knew he’d been here to see Grace. “He did his time, Gray. I know he lied, and you weren’t racing, but he was eighteen, stupid, and he made a mistake.”

“An unforgivable mistake.” I snapped each word.

Miranda tilted her head, just like Grace used to, but the similarity between the two wasn’t as painful anymore. “Is anything really unforgivable, Gray?”

I didn’t take the f*cking keys. “Yes.”

“I don’t think Grace would see it that way, no matter what our parents say. She would tell you to stop suffering more than you have to. She would tell you that moving on is okay. It’s healthy, and you need it. She would tell you that your new life, flight school, this new girlfriend of yours…they all look really good on you.”

Girlfriend? Yes, Sam was my girlfriend. Is that what I had done? Moved on?

“Where is she anyway? Sam?” she asked.

“How do you know—”

“Mom and Dad. They filled me in on the epicness of dinner last night.” Her eyes started to droop, and I crossed to her, handing over an extra blanket.

“Ahh. Yeah, that was fun. She’s actually with my mom right now. She wanted to have lunch with Sam since we’re leaving tomorrow.” I checked my watch. “If she’s survived, she should actually be getting here pretty soon.”

Miranda didn’t respond. When I looked back, she’d fallen asleep, her head propped on the back of the chair.

“Well, more time for you two ladies,” I whispered to Amber.

I gently sat on the bed, facing Grace, who had been turned onto her side. Then I snuggled Amber in face to face with her. “Grace, meet Amber. Amber, meet your aunt Grace.”

I held my arm against Amber’s back so she didn’t slip down the slight incline of the bed and let them get acquainted. If I had been a romantic idiot, I would have said that Grace focused on her niece, her eyes locked onto Amber’s. But you’re not an idiot, and you know that you just set her in Grace’s eye line.

“What would you say, Gracie? About that girl yesterday?” I pumped some lotion into my hand and pulled some gymnastics to rub it into Grace’s dry hand while keeping Amber safe. Babies were tricky.

I took in everything about Grace in that moment. Her slight frame, her vacant eyes. There was still love there for her, I knew it. I felt it. But it wasn’t the same as what I felt for Sam. Grace had been steady, soft, and went with the flow, always content for me to follow my path because she would choose whatever I did. And while I knew I missed her, my best friend, the ache had softened.

“What would you tell me to do?” My heart burned because I already knew the answer. I stroked my thumb across her pale cheek. “You would tell me to be happy. You would tell me not to waste love…if that’s even what this is with Sam. It doesn’t feel the same as when I loved you, Grace. She’s fire, but the kind that burns me just right. She doesn’t take my crap, and she’s a giant pain in my ass. But when I kiss her…I can breathe. I don’t know if this makes me an * or not, but when I’m with Sam, everything fades away. The hurt, the loneliness, the indecision.” I rubbed a piece of her hair between my thumb and forefinger. “Even the guilt slips to the back. It’s like she’s the midday sun, and my shadows don’t just hide…they shrink. They disappear.”

And the sex… Sam wiped away every single conscious thought when we touched. It wasn’t just a five-year dry spell. I remembered sex really well, and Sam transcended the very meaning of the word. It wasn’t like I hadn’t been offered more than my fair share, even at the Citadel where the guy-to-girl ratio was definitely in favor of the fairer sex. But Sam was the first woman I could look past Grace to really…see.

And Sam saw me, too, got me on a level that no one else had even come close to.

Closer than even you, Grace. I was such an * for even thinking it.

Amber grunted, and then let out a shrill cry. “I’ve got her,” Miranda said, blinking awake. I placed the tiny baby into her arms. “I need to get back to my room anyway. James is bringing me dinner. Hospital food sucks.”

“It was good to see you, Miranda.”

She placed Amber in the clear, rolling bassinet, and then squeezed my arm. “You, too. Gray…maybe you should think about living your life for a while? Take a few months before you come back. Focus on flight school. Fly your badass helicopter. You deserve to find out what’s really out there for you when you’re not drowning yourself here.”

“But Grace—”

She quirked an eyebrow. “Isn’t going anywhere. And she would want you to.”

Spend a few months away? Stay at Rucker and study? Stay at home with Sam?

Miranda sighed, and then punched my shoulder. “Wake up. You’re not choosing one girl over the other. You’re not leaving Grace for Sam. Grace left on her own a long time ago. So choose you. Choose to live. Choose to step outside the storm you’ve been given and soak up your sun.”

I blinked. “You were listening.”

She smiled and gave a pat to the shoulder she’d hit. “I’ve been worried about you for so long. Always here, drowning. But now? I’m not. You’re going to be okay. Be happy. Be with Sam. You deserve this.” She’d almost pushed Amber to the hallway before she turned back to me. “I’ve known you since you were born, which means I have a pretty good grip on who you are, and your next argument is going to be that it’s not fair to Sam, right? That she deserves someone whose heart isn’t split?”