Beyond What is Given(42)

Grayson squeezed my fingers gently, and the card pressed into my skin. “You don’t have to, if it’s too much. I’m not doing this to hurt you, or to find an excuse to walk away, and if you’re not ready, we can do this slowly.”

Of course he was giving me an out. Being supportive. Pulling me off bars and out of strip clubs. He was everything I needed, and nothing I deserved. “Stop being so nice!”

His brows drew closer together, hurt streaking through his eyes. “What—”

“He was my professor, Grayson. I slept with my professor, and it wasn’t a one-time thing. We were together for months.” Four months, thirteen days, if I had been counting. Which I had.

“Okay.” His thumb stroked over mine, and I focused on that small movement to get me through the rest.

“It wasn’t just…sex. I loved him, or what I thought was him. I didn’t ask questions when he was busy. I never wondered why he was so against spending the night at my house. I mean, come on. He was a twenty-eight-year-old ethics professor, and I was a twenty-one-year-old student. Of course he couldn’t spend the night with me. He was risking his job by being with me. I couldn’t ask more of him when he’d already given me so much.” A sour laugh slipped free. “You have to know where this is going, right? I’m the only naive one who didn’t see it coming.”

His eyes weren’t judgmental once I found the courage to meet them. But of course they weren’t. The closer I got to Grayson, the more I understood that he wasn’t aloof because he felt superior. He was aloof because it kept him alive.

“You weren’t the only one,” he whispered.

I shook my head. “It seemed so romantic. So…forbidden. I kept thinking that he must have really loved me if he was willing to risk so much. But then I slipped into his office one day with this sexy little note to sneak into his pocket, and I found it—his wedding ring.” It had been cool in my palm, that tiny circle that flat-lined my heart.

Grayson’s deep inhale was the only sign that he’d heard me.

“Guess the apple didn’t fall far from the tree, huh?” I forced a fake smile.

He tipped my chin to pin down my gaze. “Your mother?”

“I hated her for years, because I couldn’t have my dad. He was already someone else’s husband. Someone else’s father, and after yanking us around for four years, he chose them. Funny how I turned out just like her after I swore I’d never make her mistake. Does that earn me another card? Maybe the jack or something?”

He leaned forward, pressing his lips firmly to my forehead. “This is not your fault. You didn’t know he was married. You are not responsible for his sin. He, and he alone is.”

The pit in my stomach widened, threatening to suck me in. “You don’t understand. There was this moment, when I held his wedding ring in my hand…I thought—just for a second—about simply putting it back and not saying anything. I’d been so happy, and I didn’t want it to end. I wanted him to choose me. I’d finally realized why Mom had stayed all those years, waiting for a man who would never keep his promise, and I hated myself for being weak enough—selfish enough—to even contemplate the same.”

“But you ended it.”

“Sure, before Harrison could. Before he could make the promises that he’d leave his wife, or say that I was his world, only to eventually walk away.”

“Like your father.”

I nodded, unable to really voice what Grayson knew.

“I wigged out in the middle of the quad when he came running after me, and slapped him so hard he wore my handprint on his face to his next class.”

A corner of his mouth tilted up. “I bet you did.”

“Another professor saw it and reported it. Harrison didn’t…press charges, but I didn’t exactly show up for the disciplinary hearing, either.” I shook my head and dropped my gaze. “His family is an institution there. His mother is on the board, and his sister works there, too. No one was going to believe me, and even if they did, I still struck a professor.”

“Classes?” He ran his hands down my arms, warming my chilled skin, until he clasped my hands in his.

How long until he saw me for what I really was and pulled away? “I quit going. I tried…once. I made it all the way to the parking lot, but when I saw the other students, I couldn’t do it. By then there was a video posted online someone had taken. Harrison had it removed, mostly for his dignity, but everyone saw that I hit him. I couldn’t sit in his class, hell, any class where the teacher had been warned about me. That was November. December I missed finals, and my expulsion letter came before Christmas.”

“You were scared.”

“Terrified.” Paralyzed with it and unable to say how much until this moment. “Telling my mother meant she’d know, but I haven’t told her the whole truth. I can’t stand the thought of her looking at me any differently, or seeing her bad choices echoed in me.”

“You are not the villain here.”

“Being a villain and being guilty are two different things. I still could have ripped apart that marriage. Maybe it’s my mother’s karma biting me in the ass, or maybe it’s because I’m incredibly selfish, but I will screw this up somehow if we try.”