Beyond What is Given(41)

He ran over my whispered plea. “She had one of those crazy seat-belt cutter things, thank God. She was always so paranoid about that stuff. I cut myself free, then cut her free, but she wasn’t breathing, and the car was filling with water faster than I could think. I held her as tight as I could, and I used the glass breaker to destroy the window. God, it was cold. The pressure pushed us back into the car, and it was dark. So dark.

“I got us out and made it to the surface, but she still wasn’t breathing. I swam us to the nearest support pillar and tried to hoist her onto it, but I didn’t have any leverage swimming, and mouth-to-mouth wasn’t working in the water.

“By the time I got her onto the base of the pillar, my fingers were bleeding from scraping the concrete, and she was blue. I pulled myself up on top of her and did compressions…and I prayed. I prayed so hard.” His hand squeezed mine, but I knew he was still there pressing on her chest.

“She finally sputtered out the water on reflex, but wouldn’t breathe on her own, so I did it for her until help came.”

“How long were you down there?” I asked softly, unable to imagine what that must have done to him.

“Probably about a half hour until they got the boats out to get us. They’d sent the ambulances to the bridge, but we couldn’t get back up there. They took us to the hospital, and I fought when they tried to take her where I couldn’t go, so they sedated me.”

“Oh, Grayson.” How much worse could this get?

“Days, then weeks passed, and she got strong enough to come off the ventilator, but her brain swelling had already caused the damage.” He looked up at me, a shell of the man I usually knew. “She’s comatose. She’s been in a persistent vegetative coma for almost five years. She sleeps. She wakes, but she’s not…there. I killed her. I didn’t take his keys. I shouldn’t have swerved that wide. If I hadn’t passed out, I would have gotten us out before we sank. Before she drowned.”

“This was not your fault. You did not kill her, Grayson. You were in the wrong place, at the wrong time, but you are not responsible for what Owen did.”

“He told the police that we’d been racing, that other than his alcohol level, I was just as at fault as he was. I was never charged, but I’m pretty sure most people believe him, even my own father.”

Silence stretched while I put it together. “You go home to sit by her bedside.”

He nodded. “Yes. She has no chance for recovery according to the docs, but I know she’s still in there, locked away.”

I reached over and stroked my hand down his face, cupping his cheek. He leaned into it. “And you’ve been faithful to her, haven’t you? That’s why you freaked after we kissed.”

“There’s been no one else. I don’t let anyone in, because I don’t know how to anymore. I haven’t wanted to. What’s the point of loving someone if it hurts that much? Every second has been spent studying, exhausting myself at the gym, or home with her. There’s never been someone that I was willing to betray her for. And I know it’s not…betrayal. I’ve been through the counseling, I’ve made peace with the fact that she’s gone in all except heartbeat. But I can’t forget that last kiss, and there’s never been a woman I was willing to replace it with.” He stroked his thumb over my lower lip. “Until you.”

My lips parted, and my heart stopped, then pounded a furious beat.

“You moved in and infuriated me because you took down every single one of my defenses before I had a chance to fortify myself against you. I never stood a chance, especially not with us living together.”

I leaned away from his touch and dropped my hand. He couldn’t do that, put me up on the pedestal Grace stood on—not when I was anything but worthy.

“Samantha?” He leaned forward.

“We can’t do this…be together.” I shook my head, hating the words as they slipped free, and fanned out my suit of hearts. I had way more sins than thirteen cards, and his only fault wasn’t even a transgression. It was a horrific accident, something he’d had no control over, where mine were conscious choices. Bad choices.

“Because of Grace?”

I grabbed his hand and placed my ace of hearts in it. “Because I’m no good for you. Because I’m not a good person. I’m selfish, and spoiled, and entitled, and make horrible decisions that hurt people.”

“Sam—”

“You want every bad and ugly thing? Do you want to know why I got kicked out of college, Grayson?”

“Yes, but you need to know that it doesn’t matter. Not to me. It won’t change how I feel about you.”

“Well, it matters to me. I got kicked out over a guy. My entire collegiate career, gone. Poof. But he was nice, and showed interest in me when I was all alone. Ember had left for Vanderbilt. My mom had moved to Kentucky, and I was on my own, really on my own for the first time, and it wasn’t…freeing like I thought it would be. I was so lonely. So I took summer classes to fill the time, and I met Harrison. He was everything I thought I was supposed to want. Stable, educated…worldly, I guess. He made me feel like the luckiest girl when I was with him. Fall came, and…” I swallowed. What was he going to think of me when he found out? Would he label me a whore? Say I deserved the emails that popped into my inbox?