Behind His Lens(66)

Her words sound steadied and focused. She’s more self-aware than I was at twenty-three, and once again I find myself wondering what kind of life experiences pushed her toward such wisdom. “Why, Charley?” I’m not even sure what I’m asking, but I want her to keep talking.

My question jars her one step too far though. Her eyes are a deep, stormy blue one second, and then she blinks and they’re crystalline once again. I know I’ve lost the moment.

“Why were you upset with me at the photo shoot today?” she asks, furrowing her brow. Her question forces me into an ultimatum: either I answer and let her hide away from her demons, or I don’t and I push her, maybe past a tipping point. I want to push her, I want to provoke her to reveal her true feelings, but I’ve learned my lesson before and tonight doesn’t feel like the right time. When will there be a right time? Fuck. I push my subconscious aside and inhale deeply, catching a whiff of her vanilla scent teaming with the island breeze. It’s a heady mixture and it soothes my unease just enough so that I can answer her question in a semi-normal tone.


“I feel slightly ridiculous saying it now,” I admit gruffly.

“I’m sure it wasn’t ridiculous at the time,” she murmurs timidly, and her words undo me. Even if she can’t be honest with me, I can’t keep my words from spilling out for her.

Have I talked this much about my feelings since I got back from overseas and was forced to do it three times a week? No.

“I hated being helpless,” I begin with a reluctant sigh. “I hated watching you seduce the camera, seduce Ryan, seduce the future readers of the magazine, and I couldn’t do a thing about it. In fact, I had to push you further— when in reality, I don’t want you seducing anyone or anything other than me.” Brutal honesty spills from my mouth and now that I’ve started I want to get it all out. “I want everyone to know that you belong to me. Ryan was flirting with you on set and I wanted to deck him. I’ve never cared about a model before. Hell, I’ve barely paid attention to them at all, but you set my world on fire and now there’s no going back to the way it used to be.”

I drag a hand across my stubble, hearing her unsteady inhales. Good, at least my words are affecting her. “It was torture watching you tug down that bikini bottom. I don’t want anyone fantasizing about you the way that I do.”

“You fantasize about me?” her soft voice chirps, and without my permission, my face splits into a grin. I turn toward her and unlock my hands so that I can inch closer.

“Every minute of every day since I met you, Charley.”

She doesn’t look away from the ocean. Her teeth tug on her bottom lip and she wrings her hands nervously. “You drive me insane, Jude.”

I inch closer, willing her to open up for me. “I like driving you, Charley. I don’t care if we both go insane, as long as you stop fighting me. Let me in.”

“Don’t you understand?” she storms. “For the past two weeks I haven’t been letting you in.” She sweeps a hand angrily across the blanket for emphasis. “You’ve been bulldozing through every wall I’ve subconsciously built around my life. And I hate it. It makes me feel, it makes me uncomfortable and even sad at times. But then it feels f*cking amazing. Like I’m not numb,” she says, reaching for my hand and tugging it against her heart. It’s beating so fast, like a hummingbird’s, and I sit frozen waiting for her to finish. “You deliver a shock of energy to my heart every time you’re around.”

I watch a tear slip down her cheek to rest on her pretty pink lips.

“I hate it. I hate it,” she repeats until my lips are on hers and I’m muffling her passion with my own. Our kiss is different than anything I’ve experienced; it’s alive and greedy as we attack one another, trying to express conflicting emotions: love and hate. She’s trying to use her nails, her biting teeth, and the hard yanks of my hair to prove her hate, but she doesn’t realize how transparent her actions are. Because that’s the thing. Charley wants me to run; it’ll be easier for her that way. But I’m not giving up. I’ll never let her feel numb again.

With quick movements, I tug off my shirt and her clothes, pick her up, and carry her toward the water. All the while keeping our mouths sealed together.

Charley

His words wreck me. Brutal honestly is not something I’m used to dealing with, and he says everything like it’s so cut and dried. I can’t just accept him into my life; I don’t even think that’s possible anymore. But he doesn’t shy away from the challenge. He’s carrying us into the water as I wrap my legs around his firm waist. Even if words aren’t feasible at the moment, I’m pouring my emotions into each tug of hair, each nip of my teeth on his lips, and he’s responding like a hunter: quick and feral and hungry.