Behind His Lens(42)

I want to rewind, back to when decisions didn’t need to be made, when I didn’t need to separate myself from this man. God, why do I have to think so much? Why do I have to leave this situation before he leaves me? I have no clue what he’s thinking, but I can’t go back to when my life was a never-ending black fog. Those days were almost impossible to get through and I can’t let Jude drag me back there. I know he wouldn’t mean to hurt me, but I know I’d be the one to care too much, feel too much, love too much. Nothing can protect me from a broken heart. Not even his promises.

I already lost myself in his touch and something tells me it wouldn’t compare to what would happen if I go home with him.


“Charley?” Jude whispers in my ear, begging me to look at him, but I don’t. I can’t.

I shrug him off. “I need to talk to Naomi really quick. I’ll be right back.” His warm breath slips away until all I can feel is the recycled club air. Naomi’s eyebrows perk up as I move toward her and I hope she can see the silent plea written across my features. In an instant, she nods in understanding and extracts herself from Bennett so we can head over to grab our jackets from the coat check.

“Jeez. Were you with Jude that whole time?” she asks in a hushed tone.

I bite my lip and nod, not meeting her eyes.

“Well, you have to come home with me. If I leave with Bennett, we’ll have sex, and I’m not ready yet. It’s too soon.” I almost laugh. That was the last thing I’d expected her to say. My shoulders relax and already my breathing comes a little easier. She’s saving me without even realizing it.

“No problem, we’ll share a cab back.” My voice is oddly calm, but I know it’s because I’m already burying the emotions Jude had resurrected from deep within me— tucking them away behind layers of lace and curls and red lipstick.

“Thank you so much!” She grabs her jacket and hands me mine with an inquisitive stare. “Did Jude finally make a move?”

I feel my complexion burn, “Something like that.”

“Hey,” she says, tugging my arm lightly, “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, Naomi. It’s fine.” Cold. Dead. Waves. Does my voice always sound like that?

She nods and we pull on our coats as we head back to the guys. Everyone’s either leaving to head home or to the after-party at Hudson’s apartment. But, as I say goodbye to Hudson and thank him for the invitation, Jude’s piercing gaze never leaves me. Naomi and Bennett head toward the exit and Jude falls in step beside me. My body yearns to move toward him, but I shove my hands into my shallow coat pocket.

“I can’t go home with you,” I state plainly. “Naomi needs me to share a cab with her so she doesn’t go home with Bennett.” I keep my eyes pinned on the concrete floor in front of my heels, but he isn’t convinced. He steps closer to me, tugging my elbow so that I have to stop and look at him.

My face reveals nothing. Not a single emotion. I’ve perfected this hollow glance. It’s what I fed Dr. Francis for months.

“Don’t do this, Charley.” He rubs his stubbled chin with an exasperated sigh.

I feign confusion with a shrug and a narrowed gaze. “I’m not doing anything.”

“I can feel it. Do you think those walls, that facade you’re hiding behind, is subtle?” He leans in dangerously close and a shot of fear and lust saturates my nerves. “I see straight through you, Charley. I’m scared too, but I’m not the one running. You are.”

Before I even fully register his words, Jude is brushing past me. He nods to Bennett and Naomi before disappearing through the club, leaving me behind.

…

Jude

Does she think any part of this is easy? Does she not realize how much I’m stepping out of the boundaries of my old life? There were no games; I told her exactly what I wanted on that dance floor.

It was the hardest hour of my life, letting Hudson talk to her while I looked on from across the table. He didn’t even pay attention to her. He treated her like I’ve treated every girl before her, like a dime a dozen. I needed her to know how wrong he was. That’s why I licked her hand when she spilled her drink. I wanted her to feel beautiful and cherished, and it worked. Hudson’s gaze could’ve sliced my body in half. Smug prick.

I would have stolen her away earlier, but I had to be sure she felt the same. If she wanted to be there with Hudson then I would have let her enjoy her night, but it didn’t take long for me to realize he completely repulsed her. As he f*cking should have. Then the brunette girl locked onto me as her prey for the night. I eventually just walked away from her. The brunette was in the middle of a sentence, but I didn’t give a shit. Charley looked up and I nodded to her, asking if she wanted to leave the VIP area. When she climbed down those black stairs, I followed right after her, not caring about a single other soul in that club.