Becoming Calder (A Sign of Love Novel)(69)

Clive narrowed his eyes, but remained silent. Hector waved his arm indicating the council should begin the exit of the Temple. We each stood up and filed out. I kept my head raised high, not making eye contact with anyone as we exited the building.
I looked back once as I climbed up into the carriage that brought Hector and me to and from Temple each week and saw Calder walking up the aisle, his lower legs a blur of red, looking straight ahead as I had done.

**********

I spent the rest of the day in my room, sitting grief stricken on my bed. What was Calder feeling right now? Were they mending his legs, or was he sitting alone, bloody, and uncared for? I didn't know how I could bear the not knowing, but guilt filled me at the thought alone. Calder was the one who was suffering.
An hour or so before dinner, there was a soft knock on my door and I stood up to answer it. It was Hailey.
"Are you okay?" she asked, taking my hand in hers as we sat down on my bed.
I couldn't help it. Tears came to my eyes and I shook my head, no.
"I see the way you look at him, Eden. Everyone does."
My face crumbled and I blurted out, "I love him, Hailey. I'm in love with him." I hadn't thought about saying it, but Hailey's comforting face made a spear of neediness lance down my spine. I was desperate for someone to talk to.
Hailey's face paled. "Oh, Eden. How could you? How could you let this happen?"
"I couldn't help it. There was nothing I could do to stop it."
"You could have stayed away from him."
I shook my head. "I didn't want to. I want nothing else but to be with him."
Hailey sat up taller, pursing her lips for a second. "Then you've been selfish. You've put us all in a terrible position. You've risked our future—our destiny—by following your own selfish heart."
I felt a thud in my spirit and a heaviness pressed against my chest.
"If I only achieve a spot in paradise by ignoring the desires of my own heart, then I reject paradise," I choked through my tears.
"And what about the rest of us?"
I stood up. "What about the rest of you? You all depend on my misery for your deliverance? You wish for me to sacrifice my deepest heart's desire so you can rule with the gods eternally? Isn't that selfish as well?"
Hailey stood up. "You will rule with the gods eternally, too, Eden."
"I don't want to rule with the gods if it means I have to do it without Calder. I'd rather burn in hell," I hissed.
The fight seemed to go out of Hailey as her shoulders drooped and she looked to the left of me, out my window.
"This is in part my fault. I gave you too much freedom and look what happened."
Tears pricked my eyes again. "You're the only one who was ever kind to me here . . . the only one who has ever . . . who has ever showed me any love." I reached for Hailey's hand, but she pulled it away. "Please, Hailey, you've been like a mother to me when I needed one so badly. Please don't hate me. Please try to understand. Please help me," I whispered the last sentence.
"And who will help the rest of us?"
I blinked at her. "What if Hector's wrong about the flood? What if . . . what if it doesn't come to pass?"
She shook her head. "It will. Hector, he . . . knows things. His marriage to you and the foretelling of the flood is the one thing that has never changed. He is very sure, and so am I."
I looked down at the floor, tears still rolling down my cheeks. "I'm sorry." I didn't know what else to say. I looked back up at her. "Please, please don't tell Hector what I've said."
"I would never tell Hector. He'd punish us both. And rightly so."
I looked down, ashamed.
"I'll tell everyone you're not feeling well and won't be at dinner tonight. I think it's best that way," she said.
"Okay," I croaked, knowing she was saying she didn't want to look at me anymore that day.
Hailey turned and walked out of the room. I sunk back down on my bed and put my face in my hands and sobbed. I'd been so happy Hailey and her boys would remain in our wing of the main lodge, even when Mother Miriam returned. But now Hailey was disgusted with me, too. I felt overwhelmed by loneliness and despair.
A little while later, I looked out my window to see Xander walking away from the main lodge, looking back over his shoulder.
I snuck downstairs, listening toward the large dining room where I heard the sounds of everyone eating dinner. I opened the front door quietly and moved down the front stairs to the plantings below. I looked around and then reached inside the bush, removing a folded up piece of paper. I stuffed it in my skirt pocket and returned to my room where I unfolded it.