Becoming Calder (A Sign of Love Novel)(122)

A minute later, the entire roof collapsed in one loud, violent crash that brought the entire weight of the ceiling and the ground above it down on the bodies below. Beneath the wreckage was still a low lake of water. I fell to my knees and bawled. If I had had any hope Calder was alive, I knew there was no hope now. Deep inside of me, I felt my soul curl up and quietly die. My body was thoroughly spent and my heart broken into a million tiny shards of utter desolation. I lay looking at the ground numbly, clutching a handful of mud and watching as I squeezed it through my fingers, again and again and again. All feeling seemed to drain out of my body, leaving only hollowness and a heavy, black grief just under the surface.
Finally, I sat up slowly, looking around in detached interest. A flock of birds flew across the sky and I could hear the animals in our fields making their animal sounds. Far up above, a plane flew by as I shielded my eyes and looked up into the bright sky. The whole world hadn't been washed away. Only Hector's people, all except one. All except me.
I stood up on shaky legs and walked up to the main lodge, lifting one foot and then the other. There, I stripped my blood and dirt-stained clothes off as if in a trance, and dropped them in the garbage. I changed into a clean skirt and shirt and washed the grime off my face and arms in the sink. I refused to look in the mirror. I was dead and I couldn't take looking at another dead face right then.
I went back to my room and took out the pressed morning glories wrapped in a plastic bag and put them in my pocket. I found the small pebble in my desk drawer and put that in my pocket, too. If Hector had found these at some point, he didn't know what they meant.
Hector's room was next. I rooted through his drawers, feeling nothing. The last time I'd done this, I'd been filled with nerves, waiting to get caught.
There was some money, but I didn't count it, just stuffed it in my pocket. In another drawer there was the locket portion of a necklace. I hadn't seen this the first time I'd gone through these drawers. I picked it up and studied it, something about it making my dead heart pick up a rhythm. I recognized this. I had worn it once upon a time. I turned it over in my hand. On the back was the name of a jeweler, and the city, Cincinnati, Ohio. I opened it, but there were no pictures inside.
I stuck the locket in my pocket, too, and I walked downstairs. I did a brief search of the council members' rooms, but found nothing of any value. Maybe they discovered my thievery after I'd escaped and removed or hidden their money and jewelry. I left the main lodge. I didn't look back.
I remember some of the walking, but not all. I'd made the same trip before, only that time with two brave boys. This time I was alone. When cars passed on the road, I moved behind rocks as we'd done before. I collapsed behind one as morning became afternoon and I slept. When I woke, it was evening.
At some point I stopped at the same house we'd stopped at before for water and I drank from the hose and stole clothes from their clothesline, a pair of women's jeans, a long-sleeved, white T-shirt, and a lightweight jacket. Again, the dog barked and pulled from his rope, but I ignored him. No one came to the door with a shotgun this time. I wondered if I was disappointed. My body was alive, but my soul was too distraught to care.
Somewhere inside a voice whispered, you survived, and now you have to live. I didn't know whose it was, certainly not my own.
It was morning again by the time I made it to the city. I wandered the streets for a long time, trying blankly to spot something familiar. Somewhere, Xander was here, but I didn't know where, and I didn't know how to find out. Kristi would have moved by now and Calder had told Xander to meet him somewhere, but I didn't know where. Kristi had said she knew people who might help us. I had to believe Xander was safe somewhere. I had to.
A police car drove by on the street and I started breathing raggedly, pulling myself into a doorway and pressing up against the wall until it had passed. Clive was still out there.
I wandered for a little while more until I saw a sign for the bus station. I looked bleakly at it and went inside where I asked how much it would cost for a ticket to Cincinnati. I couldn't think of one other thing to do, not that I could think very clearly at all. I had just enough money, so I bought a ticket, and sat in a plastic bus station chair, staring at the wall. Finally, I reached in my pocket and pulled out the locket, the only thing I had of any value, the only thing that might bring me safety. I studied it, turning it over and over, wondering if it could lead me to someone who would care about me. I sucked back a sob.
I boarded the bus for Ohio half an hour later. I sat in a seat by a window and closed my eyes. And again, I slept. It was the only thing that didn't hurt.