Beautiful Oblivion (The Maddox Brothers, #1)(56)

“Did I wake you?” I asked.

He shook his head. “Just got out of the tub.”

I bit my lip, trying to think of something to say.

“What are you doing here, Cami?”

Looking forward, I shook my head and pressed my lips into a hard line. “I have no idea.”

He crossed his arms over the edge of my door and leaned in. “Would you mind figuring it out? It’s cold as f*ck out here.”

“Oh! God! I’m sorry,” I said, turning on the Smurf. I turned up the heater. “Get in.”

“Move over,” Trenton said.

I crawled over the gearshift and console, and bounced when I hit the passenger seat. Trenton hopped in, shut the door, and rolled the window up until there was just a crack.

“You got cigarettes?” he asked. I handed him my pack and he pulled out two. He lit them both, and then handed one to me.

I took a drag and blew it out, watching him do the same. The tension was thicker than the smoke swirling between us. Tiny bits of ice began tapping at the windows and the metal frame of the Smurf, then the sky opened up and the sound of ice tapping against the car intensified.

“You’re right. I did go home with girls,” Trenton said, raising his voice over the noise of the sleet. “More than just the ones you saw at the Red.”

“You don’t have to tell me.”

“I needed to get my mind off of you.” When I didn’t respond, he turned to me. “I would let a girl rescue me from that torture every night of the week, but even when I was with someone else, all I thought about was you.”

“That’s not really . . . a compliment,” I said.

Trenton hit the steering wheel with the heel of his hand, and then blew out another puff of smoke. “I’m not trying to compliment you! I thought I was going to go out of my damn mind thinking about you being in California. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t call you, and when you got back, I was going to accept your choice. But you drove to my house. You’re here. I don’t know what to do with that.”

“I just didn’t want to miss you anymore,” I said, not knowing what else to say. “It’s so selfish, I know. I shouldn’t be here.” I breathed out all the air from my lungs and sank back into the ratty passenger seat as far as I could. Being that truthful made me feel so vulnerable. It was the first time I’d even admitted it to myself.

“What the f*ck does that mean?”

“I don’t know!” I yelled. “Have you ever wanted something that you knew you shouldn’t have? That it was wrong on every level, but you knew you needed it? I liked where we were, Trent! And then you . . . we can’t get that back.”

“C’mon, Cami. I couldn’t keep going like that.”

“I know that it wasn’t fair to you. To no one else but me, really. But I still miss it, because it was preferable to the alternatives: to be with you under false pretenses, or to lose you altogether,” I said, wiping my nose. I opened the door, put my cigarette out on the runner, and then tossed the butt on the floorboard. “I’m sorry. This was such a shitty thing to do. I’ll go.” I began to step out, but Trenton grabbed my arm.

“Cami, stop. You’re not making any sense. You came here. Now you’re leaving. If there wasn’t . . . the thing, whatever it is . . . what would you do?”

I laughed once, but it sounded more like a cry. “I walked away from you in the airport. And then I spent the next two days wishing I’d stayed.”

A spark of happiness lit his eyes. “Then let’s—”

“But there is more to it than that, Trenton. I wish I could tell you so it’s out there, but I can’t.”

“You don’t have to tell me. If you need me to say that I’m okay with whatever I don’t know, I’m okay with it. I don’t give a single f*ck,” he said, shaking his head.

“You can’t say that. You wouldn’t if you knew . . .”

“I know there’s something you want to tell me but can’t. If it comes out later, no matter what it is, I made the choice to move forward without knowing. That’s on me.”

“For anything else, that would be enough.”

Trenton flicked his cigarette out the window. “That makes zero f*cking sense. None.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” I said, fighting back tears.

Trenton rubbed his face, beyond frustrated. “What do you want from me? I keep telling you I don’t care about this secret. I’m telling you I want you. I don’t know what else to say to convince you.”

“You need to be the one to walk away. Tell me to f*ck off, and end it. I’ll quit Skin Deep, you find a different bar. I can’t . . . you have to be the one.”

He shook his head. “I am the one, Cami. I’m it for you. I know because you’re it for me.”

“You’re not helping.”

“Good!”

I watched him, begging him with my eyes. It was such a strange feeling, hoping for someone to break my heart. When I realized he was going to be just as stubborn as I was being weak, a switch inside of me flipped. “Okay, then. I’ll do it. I have to. It’s better than you hating me later. It’s better than letting you do something I know is wrong.”