Bearly Hanging On (The Jamesburg Shifters #6)(62)

"I just," she grumbled. "I didn't really mean to say that out loud. But I just... the one night we had, the few days we spent together, it was enough for me to know that we had something special, that I felt with him like I never did before, but—listen to me. I'm babbling at someone I hardly know. Sorry."

"Oh, on the very much contrary," he said with a broad grin, and another puff of his pipe. "I know exactly what you mean and how you feel. Often we don't have much of a choice of who we love, or of how we love them."

"I think getting mixed up with me got him in trouble," Jamie said, the words spilling out in less syllables than they should have had. "I’ve gone everywhere I could think to look, but this seems different. I don't know what sort of place he calls home, you know?"

The panda got a distant, reminiscent look in his eyes. "He is... he is a special sort of person, you know this. You've felt it. But home is not something Ryan has. Or had, may be a better tense to use. Where he goes when he's trapped," he trailed off for a moment. "He always seems trapped, and yet he stays. He stays to care for us, because we have no one else, except each other."

"He's never run before?" she asked, deflated.

"No, he has," Martin corrected her. "But never like this. Never without a word. Although I suppose he's never had to take off in quite such a hurry as he did this time. Cora and Tom - ah, Marmite - they told me what Mr. Danniken did. He's as brave as Ryan, I think."

That was the first time she'd ever heard Erik called "mister" anything, and the notion struck her as slightly funny, if not a little absurd. "I guess when things get down to desperate you really see what's inside someone, huh?"

She'd been rocking herself back and forth, slowly, and hadn't even realized it until her foot dragged along the ground, and she got a toe-full of gravelly sand.

"Erik's so... I mean, he's normally so full of macho bullshit, er, sorry for my language," Jamie said. Martin waved her off with a smile. "I can't believe he's doing this. It's so not Erik."

Martin smiled for a long moment. "I think it is very Erik. Underneath all of our exteriors, whatever they are - gruff, thick, angry, joking - most of us know that we could all be in such a place. Most of us know someday we will. I talked to him for a few minutes," he coughed lightly. "He looked inside himself. I think having the cub did it for him, as it does for many of us. Change of perspective, and all that."

Jamie was nodding, but obviously distracted.

"But you didn't come to listen to an old man ramble and philosophize, did you? And don't be bashful."

Jamie chuckled a little. "Well, no, I suppose not. Although, I don't mind. You gave me a lot to think about." One of her wings twitched. The cold was starting to get to her, which always happened if she didn't eat enough, or sleep enough. Which lately? She'd been doing entirely too much of not enough. "I guess I came here because I thought maybe someone would have a clue where he went. But if you're telling me he doesn't have any place that he really feels at home, or safe, or—"

"I didn't say such a thing," Martin had another lingering grin. "There are places I'm sure he feels all of that. What I said was that he hadn't had one."

"Before... me?" Jamie asked, half confused and half understanding.

Martin nodded. "You two, you have a connection, you told me about it. And if a person is willing to spill their heart to an old panda who they hardly know? That's a strong thing. Very strong. So strong that the heart, the soul, won't let it stay inside."

Jamie started gnawing at her bottom lip again. "Do you think he went," she trailed off, shaking her head. "No, that's impossible. We hardly know each other."

"You're wrong again," Martin said, standing slowly from his swing, and twisting back and forth. "You know each other's hearts. Each other’s past? That's a list of facts, that's checked baggage. You can come to know that. But you know his heart and he feels yours. Do not underestimate that, dear child."

Jamie took a deep breath.

"It's all just so fast," she said, also standing.

"The heart knows when things are right," Martin said. "All we have to do is listen. Fast, not fast, in the scheme of things, all our lives are flashes against the darkness. A flicker, a blink, a spark. Be glad your heart knows so well. Many of us? No such luck."

"He never said anything?"

"To me? No. But I can tell from how your eyes have relaxed, that you've had a thought. Follow your heart, Jamie. Next time I see you, I want to see you with him, not alone."

"Thank you," Jamie said, allowing herself the indulgence of a smile. "I think... you've made a lot of things make a lot of sense."

He shook his head as he turned to open the door. "No, you made sense of your own thoughts. I just... nudged you along. Oh," as he grabbed the doorknob, he turned back over his shoulder. "And when you find him, will you tell Ryan something for me?"

When, she thought, not if.

"Yeah, of course."

"Good. The Cowboys lost. He owes me twenty bucks." With a chuckle that turned into something approximating a cackle, the old panda shuffled inside, and let the screen door slap shut against the frame.