Bait & Switch (Alphas Undone #1)(34)

“You already told me that.” My voice was flat and emotionless. If he was going to rehash this shit, I was going to kick him out on his ass.

“Yes, but what that means is that she needs discipline, punishment, restraint. That’s what you saw tonight. It wasn’t sex. In fact, I haven’t slept with her since you came here.”

My gaze snapped over to his. Okay, that was unexpected.

“Why?”

“Good f*cking question.”

“What I saw was pretty damn sexual if you ask me,” I spat back.

The woman had been completely nude, with an instrument of some type in her anus. I was assuming Nolan had been the one to put it there.

“Fair enough.” He swallowed. “But seriously, I need you to know that I’d never ask you to do what you saw tonight.”

Quiet and contemplative for a moment, I dared a glance up into his eyes. “I never said I wasn’t willing. Maybe if I understood it, and I . . . had the right partner . . .” I swallowed, unsure what I was even asking for.

Based on his expression, I’d just shocked the shit out of him.

He took a moment to compose himself, seemingly unsure of how to proceed. Then he took my hand, stroking his thumb along the back of my knuckles.

“Still, I don’t need kinky sex. I wouldn’t want you to feel like you had to do something that made you uncomfortable or confused. I liked the tender moments we’ve shared. I’ve liked going slow with you, which, trust me, is totally out of character for me.”

Still confused, my heart still aching, I watched him with guarded eyes, waiting for him to continue, waiting for any of this to make sense.

“What you saw tonight was what Daniella needs, so I provide it. When she came to me, broken and alone, I just . . .”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to explain.”

I knew Nolan’s protective side was fiercely loyal. He’d been filling a role Daniella needed. Nothing more. But he’d also completely closed himself off to love, and that was my real issue with Daniella’s presence in his life.

“I’ll explain anything you want me to. I’ve tried to be up front about all this from the beginning.”

“Do you love her?” The words startled me, leaping from my mouth without permission. I held my breath, waiting for him to answer.

With a deep line etched between his brows, he met my worried stare. “I don’t know. She’s my friend and I care for her. We’ve been there for each other for a long time.”

I nodded. Two years was a long time. Attachments had been made.

“You’re my light, my warmth, and my sunshine,” he continued, stroking my hand. “You chase away the shadows in me. And she’s my dark, submitting to every wicked desire I have inside me. My yin and my yang.”

I didn’t want to be someone’s yin or yang. I wanted to be his everything. And suddenly I felt angry. I wanted to snatch my hand away and make him leave . . .

Until the guilt of my own secret weighed down on me, reminding me that I had no right to judge him and his lifestyle when my being here had all been based on a lie.

But even though it had started that way, real feelings had developed. My heart was on the line now.

“Are you asking me to choose?” he asked.

Blood pumped faster in my veins. What if he chooses her?

“I just . . . just need time to think,” I stammered. I would rather take my chances with the bad guys than give an ultimatum to a man who didn’t want me.

“I know this situation is a little f*cked. Trust me, I get that. If there’s anything I can do, anything else you need, please tell me.”

I nodded. Despite Nolan’s flaws—like having one too many women in his life—I respected him. He was protective, dependable, and trustworthy. And a whole slew of other qualities I really needed in my life right now. My stupid heart told me to just hang on. That maybe, just maybe, he would be mine when he got over his fear of commitment and losing someone he cared for.

“There’s something else you need to know,” he said, his tone soft and low.

Oh Christ. What now?

“What’s that?”

Stroking my cheek with his calloused thumb, he leaned closer. “I’ve never kissed Daniella.”

My breathing stopped for a moment. “Ever?”

“Never,” he confirmed.

Knowing that intimacy was something he’d shared only with me caused a little spark of hope to flare in my chest.

Then Nolan pulled me close, bringing my mouth to his. He kissed me slowly, softly, without any rush. It was tender, and sweet, and loving. And it made my head spin with confusion.

This entire situation was the definition of a clusterf*ck.





Chapter Fifteen


Nolan

Early the next morning, I was cooking breakfast when Daniella wandered out in her pajamas, rubbing her eyes. Usually she came out of her room fully dressed, if she had to be somewhere soon, or wearing her lounging-around sweatpants. She must be feeling crappy today.

Damn it, that was almost certainly my fault. But what else could I have done? Last night would have been a disaster no matter what.

“You get my note?” I asked.

Sutton snuffled the floor around me, smearing his cold, wet nose on my bare feet. I accidentally-on-purpose dropped a chunk of hash browns for him. He gulped it down in a blink.