Angel in Scarlet (Bound and Determined #4)(34)

“Yes, but at least I knew why I did it. Now I am no longer sure. I seem to want things I should not.”

“You knew what you told yourself in the beginning, but that is different from actually knowing. I think rarely do we fully understand ourselves, and even when we do, it is so very easy to lie. And as for the last, I do not think it is ever wrong to want.”

“Yes, but to slightly misquote you from earlier, it can be foolish to give in to those wants.”

“I did say that, or almost that, didn’t I? Only you can determine if it is foolish and if you are willing to take the risks involved.”

“But what if I just don’t know? Even when I was coming here tonight, I thought I understood what I wanted. I was nervous and worried, but I thought I knew. And now—now I am unsure.”

“Is it because of what you experienced this evening? Many a young girl has been swayed by passion. There is no shame in it, but you should make sure that it is not your only reason. Passion is intoxicating, but it can fade.”

Angela stood, feeling restless, and walked about the small room. “I think it is more than that. I did enjoy what happened to my body and I certainly want it to happen again, but there was more: I found myself wanting to make Lord Colton happy, to please him. How can I want that after what he did to me, after how he made me feel?”

“But he made you feel more than one way, didn’t he? I assume that you would not have been so hurt when he denied the relationship if you had not felt something to begin with. And what of these last few days? He has certainly given you pleasure, has he not? Have you considered being fully honest with him, telling him all that you know, everything that you saw that day at the theater?”

Questions, always more questions. “I don’t know how to answer so many questions. Yes, he has made me feel many different ways, and when we were…intimate, I felt completely safe and…wonderful. There is something about his taking control that frees me, allows me to enjoy myself as I never have before, but then when we begin to return to regular life, he makes me doubt myself. I always feel as if I am standing on a narrow ledge when I am with him, and I don’t know if he’ll lend a hand to steady me or push me off.”

“And have you considered just being honest with him? Considered telling him everything?” Ruby persisted.

How did Ruby see so much? “Yes, I did consider telling him. We shared much about ourselves, but that is still one thing too many. How can I explain how deeply it hurt when I saw him with that woman and how it changed me? Made me scared to be myself?”

Ruby nodded slightly. “Only you can answer that.”

—

Angela slipped through the front door to Madame Rouge’s again. This was becoming almost a habit. She paused inside, adjusting her hood so that she could only see the floor in front of her. A pair of shoes moved into her line of sight.

“You are meeting Lord Colton?” a quiet voice asked.

“Yes, Simms,” she answered, equally quiet, still keeping her eyes on the floor.

“He has asked to meet you in my office, madam. The first door past the parlor. Let me show you the way.” It was impossible to miss the sour note in his voice. Simms found them meeting in his office just as strange as she did.

“Lead on.” Did Colton really mean to do nothing but talk? She had not believed him last night, but it seemed that he might have spoken the truth.

She paused for a moment when they reached the door. It was odd, but she felt more unsure than she would have entering one of the upstairs chambers; there she understood what was wanted. Here she felt quite adrift. What was left for them to talk about? She did hope they were not going to meander the same old circles.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

“Do you need me to open the door, madam?” Simms asked.

“No, I will be fine.”

“And I’ll make quite sure that you are not disturbed—though no one uses my office anyway.”

“Thank you.”

She put her hand on the handle and, sucking in one more deep breath, entered.

The room was empty.

She laughed to herself. Well, Simms had not actually said Colton was here yet, had he, just that he wanted to meet her in the office.

It was a very small room, barely space for the writing desk and a chair on each side, almost more of a pantry than an actual room. It was hard to imagine two people having a long conversation in here, although maybe Colton didn’t actually mean to talk. She’d often heard of couples having encounters in pantries at parties. Maybe Colton had some sort of strange liking for little spaces.

And how would she feel about that?

Well, not much at all. It was a trifle odd, but…

Still dwelling on that, she moved to the chair behind the desk, letting her hood fall. If she chose the other one, she’d be scared of the door hitting her when Colton came in.

And then, just as she sat, he entered, shutting the door tight and sliding the bolt behind him. Maybe he really was planning something besides talk.

He glanced at her for a moment—clearly he had expected to be the one behind the desk—and then sat.

“I am glad you came,” he said.

“Are you?” The question was out before she could think to hold it back.

“Yes, I am.”

“Oh.” She had not expected that simple answer. Nor had she expected the warm look in his eyes.