An Unforgettable Lady(106)
She was right, he thought, on a practical level and maybe in some deeper, more troubling way. What had he really given her except pleasure? And some heart ache? She didn't even know his real name, for God's sake.
Come to think of it, he hadn't used his real name in years.
A ghost.
It dawned on him that maybe he'd disappeared awhile ago and it was only now he was noticing. Perhaps he'd just been hiding behind the drive to succeed in his peculiar, violent, and dangerous line of work. After all, what could possibly be more distracting, if you didn't want to think about yourself, than protecting other human lives?
He wondered when the dissolving had started. Way back when he'd escaped his father's brutality? During his stint with the Rangers? Or was it during those shape-shifting years right after he'd left the military, when he'd relied on aliases and subterfuge so his enemies couldn't find him?
More likely, it was an accumulation of all the shadows he'd masked himself with.
How f*cking ironic, he thought. The culmination of his life's work was to make himself disappear.
He thought back to what Eddie had said about settling down, starting over. The idea would have struck him as ludicrous coming from anyone else, except maybe Tiny. But if he unplugged from Black Watch, then what? What would he do with his hours, his days? Would he and Grace ever be able to have a life together? As he contemplated the expanse of time ahead of him, he felt the choices he had as a deadweight on his chest.
Nice frigging simile, he thought.
While he was cursing Eddie and his candor, Grace appeared in his doorway. She was wearing one of those nightgowns that hung from her delicate shoulders like a cloud of mist, the kind he could almost, but not quite, see through. His eyes traced the outline of her hips and waist and traveled up to her breasts.
"What is it?" he asked roughly.
"We're all set for tomorrow?”
"Yeah."
Silence stretched between them and Smith could feel the air change as their eyes met. Time began to melt. Slow down. Halt altogether.
He went over to her, thinking there was nothing he wouldn't do to protect her.
Even if that meant leaving.
He reached out to touch her, his fingers brushing across her collarbone and continuing downward over silk and lace. He came to a stop at the low point of the gown's bodice, right over her heart. He felt it pounding.
Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her body against his and put his lips down to hers. She let out a long sigh which he swallowed, better than air, into his lungs.
He lifted her from the ground and carried her to his bed. Pausing before lying down with her, he drank in the sight of her head thrown to one side, her back arched, her hair spilling over the fine fabric of the pillowcase. It was how he had wanted to see her, those many days and weeks ago when she'd first showed him her home. It would be how he would remember her always.
An unforgettable lady.
Wrenching off his shirt, he felt her hands come hungrily to his skin and he shuddered as she explored his chest and stomach. His need to be in her was so great, he felt his own hands shake as he slid the nightgown from her body and tore off the rest of his clothes. He pleasured her over and over again with his mouth before he entered her in a powerful thrust that carried them to another world.
After he came back to reality, he rolled over, taking her with him so that Grace was sprawled over his body.
"I will never be free of you," he whispered against the sweat-covered skin of her neck.
"Promise?" she asked huskily.
He nodded, feeling cursed.
Because he knew he had to leave.
Rolling over again, he tucked her into his side.
As she fell asleep, he thought it wasn't right to torture them both by delaying the inevitable. The sooner the transition was made, the better; he would ask Tiny to come right away.
And as for their long-term future, after the danger to her was gone, he didn't think it was fair of him to bring it back into her life. She deserved a normal existence, with normal trials and tribulations. She didn't need to be exposed to the kind of baggage he dragged around with him. The last thing she should have to deal with would be some madman showing up with a gun in her bedroom, ready to shoot her lover in the head.
When he was sure she was sleeping, he slipped out of bed, picked up his phone, and went into the living room. He wasn't going to wait for Tiny to call.
His oldest friend was the best man he had at Black Watch, almost as good as Smith himself. Actually better, in this case, because the guy would be coming at the situation with a clear head as well as a strong body.