A Very Large Expanse of Sea(35)

“Why not?” he said. “Because of your parents? Because I’m some random white guy?”

My eyes flew open and I laughed, but it made a sad sound. “No,” I said. “Not because of my parents. I mean, it’s true that my parents wouldn’t approve of you, yeah, but not because you’re a white guy. My parents wouldn’t approve of any guy,” I said. “In general. It’s not just you. Anyway, I don’t even care about that.” I sighed, hard. “It’s not because of that.”

“Then why?”

I was quiet for too long, but he didn’t push me to speak. He didn’t say a word. He just waited.

Finally, I broke open the silence.

“You’re a really nice person,” I said to him. “But you don’t know how complicated something like this would be. You don’t know how different your life would be with me,” I said. “You just don’t know.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean the world is really awful, Ocean. People are super racist.”

Ocean was quiet for a full second before he finally said, stunned, “That’s what you’re worried about?”

“Yes,” I said quietly. “Yes.”

“Well I don’t care what other people think.”

My head was overheating again. I felt unsteady.

“Listen,” he said softly, “This doesn’t have to be anything serious. I just want to get to know you better. I just— I mean I accidentally ran into you and I haven’t been able to breathe straight for hours,” he said, his voice tight again. “I feel kind of crazy. Like I can’t— I mean— I just want to know what this is,” he said finally. “I just want to know what’s happening right now.”

My heart was beating too hard. Too fast.

I whispered, “I’ve been feeling the same way.”

“You have?”

“Yes,” I said softly.

He took a deep breath. He sounded nervous. “Could we just—can we maybe just spend some time together?” he said. “Outside of school? Maybe somewhere far, far away from our disgusting lab assignment?”

I laughed. I felt a little dizzy.

“Is that a yes?”

I sighed. I wanted, so badly, to just say yes. Instead, I said, “Maybe. But no marriage proposals, okay? I get too many of those as it is.”

“You’re making jokes right now?” Ocean laughed. “You’re, like, breaking my heart, and you’re making jokes right now. Wow.”

“Yeah,” I sighed. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I was smiling.

“Wait—what did that yeah mean? Is that a yes to hanging out with me?”

“Sure.”

“Sure?”

“Yes,” I whispered. “I’d really like to hang out with you.” I felt at once nervous and happy and terrified, but I could feel my temperature spiking again. I really felt like I might pass out. “But I should go,” I said. “I’ll call you later, okay?”

“Okay,” he said. “Okay.”

We hung up.

And I didn’t get out of bed for three days.





18

Eighteen

I was basically immobile the rest of the week. The fever finally broke on Friday, but my mom still made me stay home. I tried to tell her I was fine, that I had no other symptoms, but she didn’t listen. I’d never developed a cold. I had no aches and pains in my body. I felt nothing but the heat in my head.

I felt a bit like my brain had been steamed.

Ocean had texted me, but I’d had so few moments of clarity that I never got around to texting him back. I figured he’d find out, one way or another, that I was still sick, but I never imagined he’d seek out my brother.

Navid came to visit me on Friday, after school. He sat down on my bed and flicked me in the forehead.

“Stop,” I mumbled. I turned, buried my face in the pillow.

“Your boyfriend was looking for you today.”

I turned back so fast I nearly snapped my neck. “Excuse me?”

“You heard what I said.”

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

Navid raised his eyebrows. “Well, uh, I don’t know what you did to this kid who is apparently not your boyfriend,” he said, “but I’m pretty sure he’s in love with you.”

“Shut up,” I said, and turned my face back into the pillow.

“I’m not kidding.”

I flipped him off without looking.

“Whatever,” Navid said. “You don’t have to believe me. I just thought you should know. He’s worried. Maybe you should call him.”

Now I frowned. I readjusted slowly, folding a pillow under my neck, and stared at my brother. “Are you for real right now?”

Navid shrugged.

“You’re not threatening to kick his ass?” I said. “You’re telling me to call him?”

“I feel bad for the guy. He seems nice.”

“Um.” I laughed. “Okay.”

“I’m serious,” Navid said, and stood up. “And I’m only going to give you one piece of advice, okay? So listen closely.”