A Very Large Expanse of Sea(31)

It was Ocean, exiting the gym.

He had that large gym bag strapped across his chest and he looked like he’d taken a shower; his hair was wet and his cheeks were pink. I saw him for only a second before he crossed the hall into another room and disappeared.

My heart sank.

I hadn’t talked to Ocean in three days. I wanted to. I really, really wanted to, but I was trying to do what I thought was the right thing. I didn’t want to lead him on. I didn’t want him to think that there was potential here, between us. He tried, twice, to catch up with me after class, but I brushed him off. I did my best to avoid his eyes. I didn’t go online. I kept our bio conversations as brief and boring as possible. I was trying not to engage with him anymore, because I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea. But I could tell he was both hurt and confused.

I didn’t know what else to do.

There was a small, cowardly part of me that hoped Ocean would realize on his own that I wasn’t an option worth exploring. He seemed fascinated by me in a way that felt familiar but also entirely new, and I wondered if his fascination would wear off, like it always did in these kinds of situations. I wondered if he’d learn to forget about me. Go back to his friends. Find a nice blond girlfriend.

It was confusing, I know, how I’d gone from wanting a new friend in this school to suddenly wishing I could hit undo on the whole thing. Though, to be fair, I’d been looking for a platonic friend, preferably female. Not a boyfriend, not anything even close to that. I’d just wanted, like, a normal teenage experience. I wanted to eat lunch with friends, plural. I wanted to go to the movies with someone. I maybe even wanted to pretend to give a shit about the SATs. I don’t know. But I was beginning to wonder if a normal teenage experience was even a thing.

“Hey, can we go? I’m starving.” It was Navid, tapping me on the shoulder.

“Oh. Yeah,” I said. But I was still staring at the door through which Ocean had disappeared. “Yeah. Let’s get out of here.”





16

Sixteen

I showed up to Mr. Jordan’s class the next day, as promised, but my return was weirder than I’d expected. I hadn’t realized that everyone would’ve known—or even noticed—that I’d walked out of class and hadn’t been back most of the week. I didn’t think anyone would care. But when I took my normal seat, the kids in my little cluster looked at me like I’d sprouted wings.

“What?” I said. I dropped my bag on the ground next to me.

“Did you really try to drop the class?” This, from one of the girls. Her name was Shauna.

“Yeah,” I said. “Why?”

“Wow.” The other girl, Leilani, was staring at me. “That’s crazy.”

Ryan, the fourth member of our group—a guy who always talked at me and never looked me in the eye—chose that moment to yawn. Loudly.

I frowned at Leilani. “Why is that crazy? Mr. Jordan made me super uncomfortable.”

Neither of the girls seemed to think this was an acceptable answer.

“Hey, why did Ocean follow you out the other day? What was that about?” Leilani again.

Now I was truly stunned. I couldn’t begin to imagine why they cared about any of this. I hadn’t even realized Leilani knew who Ocean was. This class was an elective, so there was flexibility in the roster—we weren’t all in the same grade; Leilani and Shauna, for example, were juniors. “I don’t know,” I said. “I guess he felt bad.”

Shauna was about to ask me another question when Mr. Jordan clapped his hands together, hard, and called out a greeting.

“All right everyone, we’re switching things up today.” Mr. Jordan was dancing the cha-cha in front of the room. He was so weird. I laughed, and he stopped, caught my eye. He smiled and said, “Good to see you again, Shirin,” and people turned to stare at me.

I stopped laughing.

“So,” he said. He was speaking to the class again. “Are you guys ready for this?” He paused for just a second before he said, “New groups! Everyone stand up.”

The class groaned, loudly, and I agreed with the collective sentiment. I definitely didn’t want to meet any more new people. I hated meeting new people.

But I also understood that this was kind of the point.

So I sighed, resigned, as Mr. Jordan started sorting us into new clusters. I ended up across the room, sitting with three new girls, and we all avoided looking at each other for a few minutes.

“Hey.”

I turned, startled.

Ocean was sitting, not next to me, exactly, but near me. In a different group. He was leaning back in his chair. He smiled, but his eyes looked wary, a little worried.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hi,” he said.

He had a pencil behind his ear. I didn’t think people actually did that, but he currently had an actual pencil behind his ear. It was so cute. He was so cute.

“You dropped this,” he said, and held out a small, folded piece of paper.

I eyed the paper in his hand. I was pretty sure I hadn’t dropped anything, but then again, who knew. I took it from him, and, just like that, the worry in his eyes warmed into something else.

I felt my heart speed up.

Has anyone else figured out that you’re always listening to music in class? Are you listening to music right now? How do you listen to music all the time without failing all your classes? Why did you delete your AIM profile that first time we talked?