A Rake's Ruin (Devilish Lords #1)(18)

And then, as her brother squandered their money, to marry into a reputable and wealthy family.

She followed her sister’s gaze, murmuring what she hoped was appropriate remarks to her sister’s chatter as they perused the crowd.

Now she was free from all expectations and hopes but that did not mean she needed to rush out and create a scandal. Again, the voice in her mind had the scolding tone of their governess.

And rightly so. Clearly she needed some chastising if tonight’s actions were anything to go by.

Tonight would be the exception. Nothing like this could happen again, not if she intended to marry well and have a family of her own. Her eyes scanned the crowd, her mind wandering to Galwin’s remarks about love.

He’d shocked her to her core with his statement that he believed in love, nearly as much as he’d stunned her with his other statement.

I should have married you.

She’d felt as though he’d struck her upside the head with that one. What an absurd comment to make, and entirely inappropriate.

It had made her mind go off on a tangent, summoning up images of a life that might have been. What if Galwin had stepped in when their family was at its worst? What if he had offered for her hand to save them from ruin?

Would she have said yes?

Of course, she would not have had a choice. He was a younger son so he was likely not outrageously wealthy, but he came from money and his father had a title. He would have been a solid choice.

A welcome choice compared to Swattle or Davenport.

But then… Her gaze fell upon her little sister as she danced with her husband, smiling up at the heretofore “Devil” of Davenport as if the sun rose and set with his smiles. And he was no better, returning that swooning smile with one just as dazzling. His gaze said clearly that she was the center of his universe.

They were in love.

She tried her best not to roll her eyes at the thought. She was happy for her sister, and she was certain that what Anne shared with the earl was a solid friendship, based on respect and admiration. She’d been around the two of them often enough to see that.

And that was what it was all about. Love was a fickle, fleeting feeling that had more to do with lust than anything else. But respect and friendship? Those were admirable qualities and ones that she believed led to a long and lasting marriage.

Not that her own parents had given them an example to go by, but it made sense. Marriage was a partnership and nothing more.

What are you looking for? Galwin had asked.

Well, that was her answer. It should have been her answer if she could have come up with words in that moment.

He’d made her head spin with his talk of marriage and love.

And then he’d left. Walked away from her as though they had not kissed, as though they hadn’t snuck through the back garden together, and as if he had no intention of seeing her again.

Without entirely meaning to, she found herself searching for him in the crowd. Had he truly left? Was he already on his way home? Did he not feel this same lacking sensation, as though there was more to be said between them?

He was nowhere to be seen in the throngs who moved in front of them. Perhaps he had left, after all, without so much as a proper goodbye.

Her pride stung even as she told herself she was being a ninny.

“Are you certain you’re all right?” Georgie asked, concern lacing her voice. “If you are tired, we could leave early.”

She blinked at her little sister. It was such a lovely offer, considering Georgie was clearly thrilled to be here, not only at the ball, which was still a rarity for the younger woman, but to be the sister of the hostess, who also happened to be a countess and the talk of the ton.

Georgie was reveling in her new, esteemed position and it would be cruel to ask her to leave now just because Claire was acting foolish and had been all evening.

Nothing she’d done so far, however, rivaled her stupidity at this particular moment. A kiss with a rake could be explained. It had been a novelty—a rare and exciting act of rebellion. Dancing with him had been a necessity, both to avoid Swattle and to keep up the pretense that he had escorted her in from outside.

But to stand here and seek him out in the crowd like some sort of love-struck fool?

Ridiculous.

What she needed was to clear her head. She needed fresh air, for real this time, and an escape from this crushing crowd and the music and chatter that left her no room to think, let alone wrap her mind around all that had happened. What she needed was space.

“Georgie, will you excuse me for a moment?” She started to walk away before her sister responded.

She made her way through the crowds to the private quarters. Surely she could find an empty room. A place where she could sit and think.

Sure enough the first closed door she found led to a darkened room. A study, it looked like. Good enough. She sank into the settee near the door and exhaled loudly, glad to have relative silence.

The music could still be heard in the background, as could the voices of countless people talking, but it was muted and faraway. She dropped her head back and gazed into the darkness above her head as if all of the answers to life’s dilemmas might be found there.

Instead of answers, she got questions. What did she want?

Freedom.

Though she wanted a husband eventually, Galwin’s questions tonight had made her realize that she did not want to marry right this moment. She wanted time to meet people. Time to find a true partner.