A Matter Of Justice (Grey Justice #4)(56)

“He had to be furious with you.”

“With me. With himself.” She closed her eyes for a moment to refocus. Seeing his grief, knowing she was the cause, had been so much more painful than dealing with his anger.

“It couldn’t have been that simple…that easy.”

She smiled a little. “Nothing about Grey is simple or easy. You know, most people, if they live long enough, are given at least one defining moment in their lives. The moment when they choose a certain path or make a monumental decision that will change them forever. I was given that choice early in life. And I made the wrong one.”

“You were a child.”

“I was old enough to know the difference between right and wrong.”

“But that was the problem. You weren’t taught what was right and what was wrong. You were manipulated, brainwashed.”

“Excuses can only go so far. Believe me, I’ve thought of all of them. Tried to give myself an out. Bottom line, I betrayed two people who did everything in their power to save me. They were the best people I ever knew, and I’m responsible for their deaths.”

“Why did Grey do it?”

“What? Save me?”

“Yes. One would think he would want nothing to do with you.”

“But that’s Grey. I asked him why early, and he said it was what his parents would have expected him to do.”

“Was that the only reason?” There was hesitation in Kennedy’s voice as she continued, “Do you think he kept you close to punish you?”

“That might’ve been in his mind at the time. I don’t know. On occasion, I felt like I was being punished, but that was more my guilt than any overt action from Grey. I think, more than anything, it was his way of dealing with the pain. As long as he focused on what he needed to do, he didn’t have to deal with what happened.”

“Was it rough? Living together, having this between you?”

“For a while, it was hell for both of us. He was never cruel. Angry and hurt, but never mean. We would go days without speaking.”

“Then why didn’t he just leave you? Or why didn’t you leave him?”

“Because, for Grey, it was the right thing to do. And I left him plenty of times.”

“You did? Why?”

“At first, because I hated myself so much. Could barely stand to look at myself, much less him. He would find me and bring me home, or I would come home on my own. I eventually stopped running.”

She swallowed back a lump of emotion. Had she really stopped running? Every time she’d left him, hadn’t she really been running away again?

“What about Hill Reed? Did he not try to come after you?”

“We didn’t see him for a long time. We moved around a lot. When we finally scraped up enough money, we moved to Paris. It wasn’t until we came to Dallas and my name became associated with Grey’s that he contacted me.”

“I imagine both of you wanted to just kill him outright.”

She wished she could say that was true. Even though it had been years since she’d seen Reed, and she hated him for all that he had done to her, there had still been that slightest smattering of affection she hadn’t been able to deny. While her mind recognized him as a monster, her subconscious still had difficulty accepting him as one. That insidious thread that Reed so carefully weaved into her psyche had still existed.

“Grey believed Reed could be used. So instead of killing him, I reestablished a relationship with him.”

“Wasn’t that hard? I mean, he was a hideous person.”

It had been hell. In the middle of that first meeting, she had excused herself, gone to the bathroom, and thrown up violently. A few minutes later, she had returned to their meeting, all smiles.

“I’m a good actress.”

“So Reed never knew that Grey was Liam Bishop?”

“No. He would have had him killed. I made Hill believe I conned my way through Europe before coming to America and attaching myself to the wealthy Grey Justice. It’s what he taught me to do, so he easily accepted it as fact.”

“Was renewing the association worth it?”

“On occasion, he would drop bits of information that were helpful. In turn, I gave him little tidbits. Harmless stuff. I think, more than anything, he liked to think of our association as familial.”

“It’s so strange to be talking about this man,” Kennedy said softly. “He was responsible for Thomas’s death, and many others. Yet, to you, he was someone else, something else.”

“No. He was a hideous monster. Period.”

“Renewing your association must have been hard on Grey, too. Did he ever meet Hill in person?”

They had never even discussed such a prospect. It would have been disastrous. “Never. Grey’s good at hiding his thoughts, but even he has his limits.”

“How long did it take for Grey to forgive you?”

“You’re assuming he has.”

“Yes.” She leaned forward. “Irelyn, you have to know how he feels about you.”

Did she? Yes, she knew he cared. Even when he was at his angriest, that was never in question. And she knew he desired her. From their first meeting, they’d had a connection. They’d just been children, but even then there had been an amazing bond. Beyond a few kisses, they hadn’t acted on those feelings. And then the world had crumpled, and other things, like staying alive and surviving, had taken precedence. It had been years before they made love the first time.